rants
Sometimes I come here to rant, to vent, to let go. It's pretty much the only place I do so any more b/c there are very few people who read this. And I don't enjoy being the drama queen that I used to be. Although every once in awhile I need to just get thoughts off my brain without actually telling anyone. I feel like I need to be sad lately. Like being happy is this state of fakeness that I live my life in. Being sad is the only thing real I know (how fucking emo is that). Nothing is WRONG, but I feel the need to be depressed and lay in bed and cry. I have visions of leaving Dave, which is ridiculous.... but it is about that time in the relationship where everything goes to hell. Thankfully the problem is only in my head this time, and he's patient enough to deal with me being crazy. But that doesn't take away the fear. Yeah, maybe we'll make it to two years, and maybe we'll even make it to being married.... but what happens then? I'm just so used to being lied to that I can't help but expect it. And yes he's different, but the thought of letting go and letting my guard down 100% terrifies me. At least if I keep an inkling of suspicion then I can always say "I knew it" as if that makes it all better.
I feel like I'm not me any more, and maybe thats good....everyone else seems to think its good. Sometimes it just doesn't seem real.
I feel like I'm not me any more, and maybe thats good....everyone else seems to think its good. Sometimes it just doesn't seem real.