I took a break.
And I just didn't like my old journal and I couldn't stand reading some of my old entries. So when all else fails, delete and come up for air.
My husband was laid off a few weeks ago and has completely ruined my routine. Days have become mooshed together and by 5pm I'm wondering if it's time for bed. My kids are doing well, but my oldest daughter and I have been bickering too much over the most inane things.
I've read at least 40 books in the last couple of months. I am on good terms once again with the library and I just can't get enough. I haven't been on this computer at all really, just to check my mail and then I put on cartoonnetwork.com for the kids so I can read a few pages before they need me again.
Yeah.
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5 hours later and I can finally sit down on here without the tribe trying to pull me in 8 different directions. I have stayed clean of ze cocaine since the last time I did it, which was a few months ago. No urges to do it, that last time sucked ass and I realized it just won't ever get any better. I no longer go to any NA meetings, and I'm ok with that. I have no desire to ever return. My addiction has manifested in other things, like shopping and fucking scratch off lottery tickets. Now that el husbando has been laid off there is no money to shop so I just go online and fill my shopping cart up to the brim and then x it all out before the billing section comes up. Feeds my need and I can go to bed happy without any of that guilt.
Seriously, I don't know what made the last time I did coke so different, but I really have no more desire to use and I haven't since that last time. I only got a 40 bag, dumped the little bit I had left when I got home in the garbage, and just felt done. I didn't stay up late, or do anything stupid, or jones for more. I don't bring alcohol in my house because I will drink every single drop until it's gone, but I have had a margarita at dinner and that was that. I do miss being a fuck up, I do miss having my life spiral out of control while I just layed back and watched it all go by. If I didn't like that lifestyle I wouldn't have lived it for so long, right? I was comforted by the chaos, soothed by the complete disarray of my life. But I still have the memories, and I choose to only play that first bit of the tape out.
I've missed a lot of you.
My husband was laid off a few weeks ago and has completely ruined my routine. Days have become mooshed together and by 5pm I'm wondering if it's time for bed. My kids are doing well, but my oldest daughter and I have been bickering too much over the most inane things.
I've read at least 40 books in the last couple of months. I am on good terms once again with the library and I just can't get enough. I haven't been on this computer at all really, just to check my mail and then I put on cartoonnetwork.com for the kids so I can read a few pages before they need me again.
Yeah.
---------------
5 hours later and I can finally sit down on here without the tribe trying to pull me in 8 different directions. I have stayed clean of ze cocaine since the last time I did it, which was a few months ago. No urges to do it, that last time sucked ass and I realized it just won't ever get any better. I no longer go to any NA meetings, and I'm ok with that. I have no desire to ever return. My addiction has manifested in other things, like shopping and fucking scratch off lottery tickets. Now that el husbando has been laid off there is no money to shop so I just go online and fill my shopping cart up to the brim and then x it all out before the billing section comes up. Feeds my need and I can go to bed happy without any of that guilt.
Seriously, I don't know what made the last time I did coke so different, but I really have no more desire to use and I haven't since that last time. I only got a 40 bag, dumped the little bit I had left when I got home in the garbage, and just felt done. I didn't stay up late, or do anything stupid, or jones for more. I don't bring alcohol in my house because I will drink every single drop until it's gone, but I have had a margarita at dinner and that was that. I do miss being a fuck up, I do miss having my life spiral out of control while I just layed back and watched it all go by. If I didn't like that lifestyle I wouldn't have lived it for so long, right? I was comforted by the chaos, soothed by the complete disarray of my life. But I still have the memories, and I choose to only play that first bit of the tape out.
I've missed a lot of you.