Two weeks in...
I'll start writing again at some point. It's just hard, when anything I do for fun or relaxation turns into sharp reminders of how much I hate American culture -- watching TV to make fun of the people, writing a list of new year's resolutions that other people should take up in order to make my life more bearable, etc. This can't be healthy, and I can't believe I've been, mentally, such a cynical asshole for so many years. But ever since I returned to the US, I've had this nasty knot of anxiety in my chest about ... everything, or nothing, or so much that I'll never be able to describe any of it. I just want everything to be simple again. I feel flooded with external information that, instead of being curious and inventive about, I act like I have the answers about the why and how, and the why and how feel so empty. I feel half-guilty about this for some reason, but then I think, if anyone else deliberately caught up with American pop culture by reading Time's Person of the Year issue, watching VH1's Best Year Ever, driving across a country that looks like someone licked with concrete to mark it "his" in the Earth's cafeteria, getting stuck in Amarillo, Texas for 36 hours . . . then yeah, America becomes a sick and twisted and ignorant place pretty quickly.
But. I'm making things simple here. It's snowing again, so I'm stuck in my empty apartment trying to decorate. The paper balloon lion goes on top of the fridge, obviously, and everything else goes on the floor. Hmmmmm, a little to the left ... yes. Finished. Now I'm going to go work on slowing down that inner monologue.
Friends are good. Seeing people is good. I have more to see, but it's snowing and I kind of just want to bundle up on this futon mattress all day. For now, that's the warmest and greatest thing I can think of doing.
A Resolution: Become less self-centered in thought. Be a better friend. The End.
But. I'm making things simple here. It's snowing again, so I'm stuck in my empty apartment trying to decorate. The paper balloon lion goes on top of the fridge, obviously, and everything else goes on the floor. Hmmmmm, a little to the left ... yes. Finished. Now I'm going to go work on slowing down that inner monologue.
Friends are good. Seeing people is good. I have more to see, but it's snowing and I kind of just want to bundle up on this futon mattress all day. For now, that's the warmest and greatest thing I can think of doing.
A Resolution: Become less self-centered in thought. Be a better friend. The End.