xxxHolic Fanfic
First fanfiction piece is up! *points toward icon* Fear me.
Title: Emotional Intensity
Series: xxxHolic
Status: Oneshot, completed
Word Count: 1671
Rating: G
Disclaimer: If they were mine, this story wouldn't be called “fanfiction”.
Love has always been-- and always will be-- a foreign concept to the Doumeki clan. Shizuka knew that better than anyone else, because he doubted the existence of a more distant family than his own.
It was not that they were cruel, heartless people. But they were unable to fully express themselves or the emotions they felt, and that made it difficult to connect with others, even amongst themselves.
Shizuka first noticed it as a child, when he realized that his schoolmates had parents who cuddled them and kissed them and told them how much they loved them.
His parents were never like that with him.
His mother never touched him unless it was absolutely necessary, like when she dressed him or gave him a bath. Sometimes, she might lightly pat the back of his hand and smile if he was being well behaved, but she did it so quickly that he never got the chance to appreciate it. He could barely remember a time when she had ever said that she loved him, or said how happy that he was her son.
The only memory he had of her ever showing real affection toward him had been when he had presented her flowers he had picked for her that day. She was in one of her better moods and her eyes had brightened with delighted surprise when she saw his gift. She had carefully lifted him into her warm embrace and brushed his cheek with her lips, softly and gently. It was exactly the way he expected a mother’s caress should feel, and Shizuka had been so happy that he had blessed the world with one of his rare smiles.
It was the first time she had ever kissed him.
It was also the last.
On the other hand, his father believed that the only thing Shizuka needed to be happy was with the money he made. Who needed hugs and kisses? As long as he had all the basic necessities that money could buy him, why would he need anything else?
The only time he ever touched Shizuka was to punish him when he did wrong, but that almost never happened. Sometimes he might stop to tell his son a story or playfully ruffle his hair, but it always felt forced and unnatural.
It made Shizuka feel so miserable and unhappy, because he wanted what other children had. Yet, most of the time, it felt like his parents hardly acknowledged his existence. He felt like they did not love him, though he would not be at all surprised if he were right.
He saw the way they interacted and doubted if they even loved each other.
Shizuka knew that better than anyone else, because he had never seen a more distant couple than his parents.
Of course, he did not really know the circumstances, but it was obvious even to his young mind that they had not married because they loved one another. They had married out of obligation and name and reputation.
It was obvious, because they never liked to be in the same room for very long, even when eating meals. In the rare moments that they spoke to one another, it was always stiff and painfully respectful, but they never treated each other cruelly or unfairly. As strained as their relationship was, they were unable to betray the other by taking a lover or issue a divorce. So they were miserable together, and Shizuka swore to himself that he would never be trapped in a loveless marriage.
It hurt enough to watch his parents go through that.
But, if his grandmother noticed the way they acted around one another, she was very skilled in not caring. All she cared about was tradition and the importance of carrying on the Doumeki family name.
“Somebody has to,” she would say with a distasteful huff and glance at her husband, who only smiled mysteriously but said nothing.
Of all his family members, Shizuka had felt the most comfortable around his grandfather. He could not say if he loved him, since love was an emotion his family did not understand very well, but he felt the most closely attached to him.
His grandfather was the only one who never forced his expectations on him, even though they both knew it was inevitable he would one day take his place as head priest. That man would take things slowly with him, from calligraphy to archery to the beliefs of the supernatural.
“Be sure to go at your own pace,” he would say with a gentleness and warmth no other Doumeki offered. “Just do your best, and everything will turn out fine.”
Even though he never felt forced to do so, Shizuka wanted his grandfather to be proud of him, so he tried his hardest to excel at everything he did. The rest of his family said it was because it was his destiny, but he knew that was not the case.
His grandfather also seemed to agree with him.
“The hardest working people,” he would say seriously, “Are those who fulfill their own destinies with their efforts and determination. They may not be able to change the inevitable, but they never let it control their choices. Grow strong and do the same, Shizuka.”
There was no one he liked more and admired more than his grandfather. That wise, caring, and patient man had understood him better than anyone else. His grandfather taught him everything he knew, whether it was his responsibilities at the temple or teaching him legends or games to play in their spare time.
However, inevitably, Doumeki Haruka passed away during his grandson’s fifth year of elementary school.
It was a large funeral, and there were so many people Shizuka had never seen before who came to pay their respects. They all wept and wailed in their grief, telling his family of the time Haruka-san did this or said that, and offered their support in anyway possible. There was not a dry eye that day, except for the members of the Doumeki household.
Shizuka tried to cry, he tried so very hard, and yet he could hardly make his eyes fill up with tears. He had liked his grandfather dearly but, because he did not love him properly, he could not mourn for him properly either.
After all, the Doumeki family had never understood love very well.
To block out the pain of his loss, he threw himself into his chores, schoolwork, or extracurricular activities. He closed himself off from other people, choosing not to make friends or associate with others.
Besides, what was the point? They only caused too much trouble than they were worth.
As long as he had things to do and had a carefully laid out routine, that was enough for him.
…Or so he thought.
And then Watanuki Kimihiro came barreling into his life, hard and fast, like the loud-mouthed idiot he was. He turned everything Shizuka thought and knew and never wanted completely upside down, before either of them knew what had happened.
Shizuka felt when Watanuki was around. For the first time in his life, he felt emotions that he thought he was incapable of feeling. It filled him both with fascination and irritation because no one else ever got much of a reaction from him, not even his grandfather.
Watanuki made him feel anger, which happened more often than not when he was with the bespectacled boy. He felt anger when Watanuki went to do dangerous jobs alone without telling him about them. Or when he did something stupid and reckless, like that time he had incurred the wrath of a spider and lost his right eye. It made Shizuka angry because he worried about him, even if the idiot was probably too blind to notice his concern.
Sometimes there was excitement too, like every school day when he eagerly awaited the opportunity to devour the lunch Watanuki made for him. His mother was a good cook, but her food never had the heavenly taste of warmth and homely places. He was excited to think that maybe Watanuki was making that food for him, even if he had to share it with Kunogi.
Other times there was happiness, indescribable happiness. Even when he was being loud and annoying, Shizuka was always happy when the other boy was around. Watching Watanuki be his eccentric self was like watching several firecrackers go off at the same time. It was beautiful and stunning, but incredibly noisy. Sometimes it hurts his eyes, but he could never tear his gaze away. He secretly hoped that the moment would never have to end.
There was also jealousy sometimes. Now, Shizuka was not a jealous person by nature, but he was honest with himself and knew what mattered most. He knew who mattered most, and it hurt to watch his special someone shamelessly flutter around, trying to win the affections of another. It was not that he had anything against Kunogi personally, but Watanuki was his soulmate and they did not need anything else to complicate their already complex relationship.
However, a lot of the time, he felt bone-chilling fear. Shizuka was terribly, terribly afraid of the mere thought of having to live a life without Watanuki in it. If the idiot got himself killed one day, how was he supposed to handle that? It would be like trying to make the sky survive without its sun, or an ocean without its waters. Impossible, completely unfathomable.
Then, there was love…
Love…
Was this love?
Shizuka had no idea but, whatever he and Watanuki had, he wanted it to last forever.
Despite the fact that love has always been a foreign concept to the Doumeki family, Shizuka wanted it -needed it-and planned on making it his. That is what he had chosen and he was planning on keeping it that way, even if he had to go against destiny and fate to do so.
Title: Emotional Intensity
Series: xxxHolic
Status: Oneshot, completed
Word Count: 1671
Rating: G
Disclaimer: If they were mine, this story wouldn't be called “fanfiction”.
Love has always been-- and always will be-- a foreign concept to the Doumeki clan. Shizuka knew that better than anyone else, because he doubted the existence of a more distant family than his own.
It was not that they were cruel, heartless people. But they were unable to fully express themselves or the emotions they felt, and that made it difficult to connect with others, even amongst themselves.
Shizuka first noticed it as a child, when he realized that his schoolmates had parents who cuddled them and kissed them and told them how much they loved them.
His parents were never like that with him.
His mother never touched him unless it was absolutely necessary, like when she dressed him or gave him a bath. Sometimes, she might lightly pat the back of his hand and smile if he was being well behaved, but she did it so quickly that he never got the chance to appreciate it. He could barely remember a time when she had ever said that she loved him, or said how happy that he was her son.
The only memory he had of her ever showing real affection toward him had been when he had presented her flowers he had picked for her that day. She was in one of her better moods and her eyes had brightened with delighted surprise when she saw his gift. She had carefully lifted him into her warm embrace and brushed his cheek with her lips, softly and gently. It was exactly the way he expected a mother’s caress should feel, and Shizuka had been so happy that he had blessed the world with one of his rare smiles.
It was the first time she had ever kissed him.
It was also the last.
On the other hand, his father believed that the only thing Shizuka needed to be happy was with the money he made. Who needed hugs and kisses? As long as he had all the basic necessities that money could buy him, why would he need anything else?
The only time he ever touched Shizuka was to punish him when he did wrong, but that almost never happened. Sometimes he might stop to tell his son a story or playfully ruffle his hair, but it always felt forced and unnatural.
It made Shizuka feel so miserable and unhappy, because he wanted what other children had. Yet, most of the time, it felt like his parents hardly acknowledged his existence. He felt like they did not love him, though he would not be at all surprised if he were right.
He saw the way they interacted and doubted if they even loved each other.
Shizuka knew that better than anyone else, because he had never seen a more distant couple than his parents.
Of course, he did not really know the circumstances, but it was obvious even to his young mind that they had not married because they loved one another. They had married out of obligation and name and reputation.
It was obvious, because they never liked to be in the same room for very long, even when eating meals. In the rare moments that they spoke to one another, it was always stiff and painfully respectful, but they never treated each other cruelly or unfairly. As strained as their relationship was, they were unable to betray the other by taking a lover or issue a divorce. So they were miserable together, and Shizuka swore to himself that he would never be trapped in a loveless marriage.
It hurt enough to watch his parents go through that.
But, if his grandmother noticed the way they acted around one another, she was very skilled in not caring. All she cared about was tradition and the importance of carrying on the Doumeki family name.
“Somebody has to,” she would say with a distasteful huff and glance at her husband, who only smiled mysteriously but said nothing.
Of all his family members, Shizuka had felt the most comfortable around his grandfather. He could not say if he loved him, since love was an emotion his family did not understand very well, but he felt the most closely attached to him.
His grandfather was the only one who never forced his expectations on him, even though they both knew it was inevitable he would one day take his place as head priest. That man would take things slowly with him, from calligraphy to archery to the beliefs of the supernatural.
“Be sure to go at your own pace,” he would say with a gentleness and warmth no other Doumeki offered. “Just do your best, and everything will turn out fine.”
Even though he never felt forced to do so, Shizuka wanted his grandfather to be proud of him, so he tried his hardest to excel at everything he did. The rest of his family said it was because it was his destiny, but he knew that was not the case.
His grandfather also seemed to agree with him.
“The hardest working people,” he would say seriously, “Are those who fulfill their own destinies with their efforts and determination. They may not be able to change the inevitable, but they never let it control their choices. Grow strong and do the same, Shizuka.”
There was no one he liked more and admired more than his grandfather. That wise, caring, and patient man had understood him better than anyone else. His grandfather taught him everything he knew, whether it was his responsibilities at the temple or teaching him legends or games to play in their spare time.
However, inevitably, Doumeki Haruka passed away during his grandson’s fifth year of elementary school.
It was a large funeral, and there were so many people Shizuka had never seen before who came to pay their respects. They all wept and wailed in their grief, telling his family of the time Haruka-san did this or said that, and offered their support in anyway possible. There was not a dry eye that day, except for the members of the Doumeki household.
Shizuka tried to cry, he tried so very hard, and yet he could hardly make his eyes fill up with tears. He had liked his grandfather dearly but, because he did not love him properly, he could not mourn for him properly either.
After all, the Doumeki family had never understood love very well.
To block out the pain of his loss, he threw himself into his chores, schoolwork, or extracurricular activities. He closed himself off from other people, choosing not to make friends or associate with others.
Besides, what was the point? They only caused too much trouble than they were worth.
As long as he had things to do and had a carefully laid out routine, that was enough for him.
…Or so he thought.
And then Watanuki Kimihiro came barreling into his life, hard and fast, like the loud-mouthed idiot he was. He turned everything Shizuka thought and knew and never wanted completely upside down, before either of them knew what had happened.
Shizuka felt when Watanuki was around. For the first time in his life, he felt emotions that he thought he was incapable of feeling. It filled him both with fascination and irritation because no one else ever got much of a reaction from him, not even his grandfather.
Watanuki made him feel anger, which happened more often than not when he was with the bespectacled boy. He felt anger when Watanuki went to do dangerous jobs alone without telling him about them. Or when he did something stupid and reckless, like that time he had incurred the wrath of a spider and lost his right eye. It made Shizuka angry because he worried about him, even if the idiot was probably too blind to notice his concern.
Sometimes there was excitement too, like every school day when he eagerly awaited the opportunity to devour the lunch Watanuki made for him. His mother was a good cook, but her food never had the heavenly taste of warmth and homely places. He was excited to think that maybe Watanuki was making that food for him, even if he had to share it with Kunogi.
Other times there was happiness, indescribable happiness. Even when he was being loud and annoying, Shizuka was always happy when the other boy was around. Watching Watanuki be his eccentric self was like watching several firecrackers go off at the same time. It was beautiful and stunning, but incredibly noisy. Sometimes it hurts his eyes, but he could never tear his gaze away. He secretly hoped that the moment would never have to end.
There was also jealousy sometimes. Now, Shizuka was not a jealous person by nature, but he was honest with himself and knew what mattered most. He knew who mattered most, and it hurt to watch his special someone shamelessly flutter around, trying to win the affections of another. It was not that he had anything against Kunogi personally, but Watanuki was his soulmate and they did not need anything else to complicate their already complex relationship.
However, a lot of the time, he felt bone-chilling fear. Shizuka was terribly, terribly afraid of the mere thought of having to live a life without Watanuki in it. If the idiot got himself killed one day, how was he supposed to handle that? It would be like trying to make the sky survive without its sun, or an ocean without its waters. Impossible, completely unfathomable.
Then, there was love…
Love…
Was this love?
Shizuka had no idea but, whatever he and Watanuki had, he wanted it to last forever.
Despite the fact that love has always been a foreign concept to the Doumeki family, Shizuka wanted it -needed it-and planned on making it his. That is what he had chosen and he was planning on keeping it that way, even if he had to go against destiny and fate to do so.