Brigets flame week 2
I walk along the beach, making sure not to trip on any rusted spokes or cogs. The sand is a mix of fine volcanic black grit, and a rainbow of glass pebbles washed cloudy by the sea. I don't let my feet touch the water. You never know what will be added to you if you touch it, or what might be taken away.
This is my usual walk in the morning, trying ( Read more... )
This is a very well written piece. Intellectually, I know I should feel something, but I don't feel any urgency... (which may just be me, and is really hard to describe, sorry!)
Paragraph 4: You start your first sentence with “And” which is one of those words with which one ought not start a sentence. You might just drop “And”, starting the paragraph “I was...” Or you could write “My job was...”
Paragraph 5: You start this paragraph with “But” - which is another one of those words with which one ought not start a sentence. You could certainly delete it and start the sentence with “Then one day...” The last sentence of that paragraph also starts with “But” - and again, I think you could just start your sentence “Along with stealing my heart...”
I would love to know more about how the sea changes people, and how the machines have become sentient and what they are plotting.
Paragraph 9: This is a strong ending. I might change the second clause to: “I spot the sails of a distant ship.”
Upon reflection, I think that perhaps you might have given us more dialogue between your scientist and Evena, or even between the scientist and the machines (especially the sentient ones). That might create more tension and energy in the piece.
Keep writing! I'd be interested in hearing more about this world.
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