An open letter to the United States government
Dear government,
We know you have a weather controlling machine. Don’t try to deny it. I don’t care what you’re using it for, or how many of my tax dollars went into its creation, but I do have one small favor to ask:
Please stop fucking with our weather.
You see, it’s January. According to my calendar, it’s been Winter for nearly a month now, and yet Rhode Island is having weather reaching nearly 60F for the past week or, and it’s been in the upper 40s most days since late Fall. You just can’t fuck with out weather like this. Without snow, we have nothing to complain about. Gone are the days when we could show up to work 2 hours late and tell our bosses that we had to shovel ourselves out of our driveways, or that our car was coated in 1/4″ layer of ice, or that the state needs to get more fuckin’ plow drivers because your street seems to be the last one cleared every time it snows. No longer can we stock up on milk and bread when Gary Ley says there’s flakes in our future.
But what really sucks about not having snow? Everyone is out on the roads, and in true Roe-dylanduh style, none of these oxygen thieves can drive. It’s raining? Drive the speed limit. Sunlight? swerve across 3 lanes of traffic because you can’t see the lines on the road. Cop in the breakdown lane? Immediately slam on your brakes and drive 45mph on the interstate. Someone’s sighted an orange contruction cone? Holy shit, stop the car, I think the earth has split up ahead!
On the plus side, I turned the heat way down.
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