Warning: rambly soul-searchy stuff ahead
I've been thinking a lot tonight and I just feel like I'm off balance somehow... I havent been myself lately... it's not good... so I need to take some time and reflect... which may make me a bit reclusive. Feel free to call me or IM me or what have you... but if you want to see me that will probably have to involve just hanging out at my house or just a coffeeshop or something... I feel a bout of reclusiveness coming on. Or maybe it's just that time of the month. Also always a strong possibility. Maybe some of both. I don't know. Lately I feel like at parties and meeting people and such... I'm watching myself put on this weird act trying to be cool or sexy or something... and underneath it i'm just feeling really insecure and lonely... so I compensate for that by either doing this dumb mousy plea for sympathy and telling everyone that I feel insecure in hopes that then they wont dislike me... or I get really flirty or I get loud... I dunno. It's just kind of bogus. I know better. That's not me. That's some bizarre incarnation of me in like 8th grade rearing its ugly head. I dont know when this started happening. So yeah. Boo for that. I think I'm letting fear really hold me back lately. I dont even know what i'm afraid of. I need to figure some shit out. But for now... I am going to bed.