(no subject)
Happy New Year, folks!
I’ve been in a very strange mood lately. And I absolutely don’t like myself like this. I’m constantly close to tears, there’s some days where I have a smile on my face, but those are few and far in between. Maybe it’s a mid-life crisis. And how unfortunate, because didn’t those go out of style in the late 80ies? I feel very isolated, and very apart from anyone. I have the need to constantly surround myself with as many people as possible, I hate having a day off work, and I hate being left to my own devices. Because then I just start thinking too much, and, yeah, that’s when it all goes downhill.
All around me life is moving on, and I just feel as if I missed the train or something. Of course that’s bullshit, because I live plenty, but lately it hasn’t been as satisfying as it used to be. My sister has two children now, and my cousin Mark is becoming a daddy in a couple of days, and here I am, living the same life day in and out, and I don’t even remember ever knowing these people. Co-workers are also moving on, going into the management program, and I feel like saying, but what about me? I’ve thought about going, too, and I’ve been encouraged by management to do so, but I think Patrick is still too young for me to have a completely unstable work schedule and hardly any days off. But I still feel left out, feel as if I’m maybe settling (even if it’s just for the moment) with something that I don’t really want anymore.
I have this big old crush on this girl. It was bliss for a while there, and even if there was some frustration I felt at the beginning, I now feel that frustration ten fold, because she just up and took all that bliss away from me without as much as an explanation. I fell pretty hard, and there was nobody there to catch me, and it hurt like a bitch (still does), because I don’t have the closure that I so desperately crave. It all sucks very hard.
God, this shit is so depressing, and I probably will delete this in the near future, because who wants to have a dud like this sitting in their journal? But there it is, and typing it out and “talking” about it maybe has some positive motivational effect on me.
Looking back on 2008, all I can see is that failed almost relationship, weeks and weeks of working (I have not missed a single day of work last year) and nothing to show for it. Even a short trip to Chicago and that week in Houston (both of which were fun), and the outcome of the elections, don’t outshine that horrible December.
So, today, while sitting at the coffee shop with Charles and Samuel, I thought that this year, I want t accomplish something. Something that I can look back on the next New Years Day with pride. I have no clue what, but something life altering needs to happen. I like my job, and I’m not thinking about quitting at all, but something needs to change. And dating is so out of the question right now it’s not even funny, but maybe sometime this year somebody will catch my eye.
I’ve been in a very strange mood lately. And I absolutely don’t like myself like this. I’m constantly close to tears, there’s some days where I have a smile on my face, but those are few and far in between. Maybe it’s a mid-life crisis. And how unfortunate, because didn’t those go out of style in the late 80ies? I feel very isolated, and very apart from anyone. I have the need to constantly surround myself with as many people as possible, I hate having a day off work, and I hate being left to my own devices. Because then I just start thinking too much, and, yeah, that’s when it all goes downhill.
All around me life is moving on, and I just feel as if I missed the train or something. Of course that’s bullshit, because I live plenty, but lately it hasn’t been as satisfying as it used to be. My sister has two children now, and my cousin Mark is becoming a daddy in a couple of days, and here I am, living the same life day in and out, and I don’t even remember ever knowing these people. Co-workers are also moving on, going into the management program, and I feel like saying, but what about me? I’ve thought about going, too, and I’ve been encouraged by management to do so, but I think Patrick is still too young for me to have a completely unstable work schedule and hardly any days off. But I still feel left out, feel as if I’m maybe settling (even if it’s just for the moment) with something that I don’t really want anymore.
I have this big old crush on this girl. It was bliss for a while there, and even if there was some frustration I felt at the beginning, I now feel that frustration ten fold, because she just up and took all that bliss away from me without as much as an explanation. I fell pretty hard, and there was nobody there to catch me, and it hurt like a bitch (still does), because I don’t have the closure that I so desperately crave. It all sucks very hard.
God, this shit is so depressing, and I probably will delete this in the near future, because who wants to have a dud like this sitting in their journal? But there it is, and typing it out and “talking” about it maybe has some positive motivational effect on me.
Looking back on 2008, all I can see is that failed almost relationship, weeks and weeks of working (I have not missed a single day of work last year) and nothing to show for it. Even a short trip to Chicago and that week in Houston (both of which were fun), and the outcome of the elections, don’t outshine that horrible December.
So, today, while sitting at the coffee shop with Charles and Samuel, I thought that this year, I want t accomplish something. Something that I can look back on the next New Years Day with pride. I have no clue what, but something life altering needs to happen. I like my job, and I’m not thinking about quitting at all, but something needs to change. And dating is so out of the question right now it’s not even funny, but maybe sometime this year somebody will catch my eye.