lonely ramblings
So then.
I've posted about Tyler before. We all know he's in the service somewhere on the East coast. We also know he's 22 as well and has suffered the severe consequences of loving a woman who smashed his heart with a hammer (maybe you didn't know about that. now you do). You also know about me and hubby's conquest to lure him to us for some playtime. This isn't going to happen.
Since he was out on deployment for 6 months, my.. fire, I guess, to ravage him in the most sexual ways has dimmed a bit for me. In fantasy, I have a hard time to picture him in the act with me. I have a hard time imagining him anywhere near any of that. It's a little disturbing because the sensations used to surge at the thought of him touching me. Now it seems out of place and inappropriate. The fact that it seems like he doesn't want that makes it even harder.
This is paired with Tyler's ultimate decision to be alone [as much as he wants to be alone, he yearns to be with someone in a relationship; he won't say this but it's obvious]. I asked in him late August if he was ever still interested in coming here. The answer I got among all that he said was "No, I'm not. I simply cannot do it". Okay. Imagine taking 1000 steps back from someone suddenly that you felt close to. I'm not supposed to be struggling with this.
I guess I felt shut out and shut off. When he came back to the states, he was very distant for the first few weeks and still is but not nearly as much as he was at first. Of course it hurts to have been so close with someone and then suddenly be closing the door on a specific part forever. It's.. weird. I almost feel like I'm not allowed to feel that way anymore.
I love my husband with all my heart and I can't imagine being with anyone but him no matter how curious I am about Tyler. He [Tyler] feeds my immature, childlike, curious, and mystical side but my husband cares for and holds up all of my other qualities; he lets me be intimate and comforts me with 100% of himself. Tyler lifts the part of my soul I left behind many years ago but he can't comfort me to the extent that he used to. He won't let himself.
Sure, I have feelings for Tyler but they don't even come close to brushing how I feel about my husband. Don't take this like I'm conjuring plans to run off on chickenman316. Even death would have a hard time ripping me from him.
Tyler and I had a very moving conversation last night that I'm not able to reflect on because my conversation logger wasn't on (grrrr) but the extent of it was that in some crazy way he and I are connected on some level, even if it's just on the level of being a part of each others' support system. I care incredably for him. It might just be that I'm the common sense part of his life or something and he's the day dreaming part of my life. It's so hard to explain this and I don't expect anyone to understand.
I'm lonely right now. Hubby's been in Florida at a work conference and he left at 4am Wednesday morning and doesn't come back until tomorrow night. I'm not used to being home alone, ESPECIALLY going to bed alone. I miss his hugs and kisses. Tyler can't comfort that part of me; he refuses to get that close to me anymore.
When he said he couldn't come, it was because he would be coming into our home and we would envelope him with ourselves and love him for as long as he was here. But then he would have to leave. He didn't want to have to face coming into this and then having to leave while hubby and I would stay with eachother. He didn't want to lose that comfort and love again. I tried explaining this to chickenman316 but I don't think he understood why Tyler wouldn't come. I can't imagine being heartbroken and torn apart and having this asked of me.
I.. I can't have sex with someone without the emotional factor. That's exactly why I didn't take too much part in our Indiana threesome (which was more like me watching them fuck than me joining in). But this idea is that I don't want to be used for sex alone - I can't imagine sharing something so incredably intimate with someone who doesn't care about me. That said, Tyler feels the same way. But since he and I can't seriously be intimate in the most innocent of ways, he feels that we would be using him for the sex alone. The fact that he can't stay and he'd have to go "back home" makes it seem more like we'd be using him for sex alone. This sort of hurts me becuase it sounds like he thinks we'll just fuck and then drop him. By now, I've stopped thinking of him as a sexual partner and as more of a companion; someone I can share intimacy with without the confusing sexual tension.
I'm only writing this because I'm lonely right now and the cold medicine I took is messing with my head. It's stupid that I'm preoccupied with something like this. I'm still adjusting to this change in what we have.
I've posted about Tyler before. We all know he's in the service somewhere on the East coast. We also know he's 22 as well and has suffered the severe consequences of loving a woman who smashed his heart with a hammer (maybe you didn't know about that. now you do). You also know about me and hubby's conquest to lure him to us for some playtime. This isn't going to happen.
Since he was out on deployment for 6 months, my.. fire, I guess, to ravage him in the most sexual ways has dimmed a bit for me. In fantasy, I have a hard time to picture him in the act with me. I have a hard time imagining him anywhere near any of that. It's a little disturbing because the sensations used to surge at the thought of him touching me. Now it seems out of place and inappropriate. The fact that it seems like he doesn't want that makes it even harder.
This is paired with Tyler's ultimate decision to be alone [as much as he wants to be alone, he yearns to be with someone in a relationship; he won't say this but it's obvious]. I asked in him late August if he was ever still interested in coming here. The answer I got among all that he said was "No, I'm not. I simply cannot do it". Okay. Imagine taking 1000 steps back from someone suddenly that you felt close to. I'm not supposed to be struggling with this.
I guess I felt shut out and shut off. When he came back to the states, he was very distant for the first few weeks and still is but not nearly as much as he was at first. Of course it hurts to have been so close with someone and then suddenly be closing the door on a specific part forever. It's.. weird. I almost feel like I'm not allowed to feel that way anymore.
I love my husband with all my heart and I can't imagine being with anyone but him no matter how curious I am about Tyler. He [Tyler] feeds my immature, childlike, curious, and mystical side but my husband cares for and holds up all of my other qualities; he lets me be intimate and comforts me with 100% of himself. Tyler lifts the part of my soul I left behind many years ago but he can't comfort me to the extent that he used to. He won't let himself.
Sure, I have feelings for Tyler but they don't even come close to brushing how I feel about my husband. Don't take this like I'm conjuring plans to run off on chickenman316. Even death would have a hard time ripping me from him.
Tyler and I had a very moving conversation last night that I'm not able to reflect on because my conversation logger wasn't on (grrrr) but the extent of it was that in some crazy way he and I are connected on some level, even if it's just on the level of being a part of each others' support system. I care incredably for him. It might just be that I'm the common sense part of his life or something and he's the day dreaming part of my life. It's so hard to explain this and I don't expect anyone to understand.
I'm lonely right now. Hubby's been in Florida at a work conference and he left at 4am Wednesday morning and doesn't come back until tomorrow night. I'm not used to being home alone, ESPECIALLY going to bed alone. I miss his hugs and kisses. Tyler can't comfort that part of me; he refuses to get that close to me anymore.
When he said he couldn't come, it was because he would be coming into our home and we would envelope him with ourselves and love him for as long as he was here. But then he would have to leave. He didn't want to have to face coming into this and then having to leave while hubby and I would stay with eachother. He didn't want to lose that comfort and love again. I tried explaining this to chickenman316 but I don't think he understood why Tyler wouldn't come. I can't imagine being heartbroken and torn apart and having this asked of me.
I.. I can't have sex with someone without the emotional factor. That's exactly why I didn't take too much part in our Indiana threesome (which was more like me watching them fuck than me joining in). But this idea is that I don't want to be used for sex alone - I can't imagine sharing something so incredably intimate with someone who doesn't care about me. That said, Tyler feels the same way. But since he and I can't seriously be intimate in the most innocent of ways, he feels that we would be using him for the sex alone. The fact that he can't stay and he'd have to go "back home" makes it seem more like we'd be using him for sex alone. This sort of hurts me becuase it sounds like he thinks we'll just fuck and then drop him. By now, I've stopped thinking of him as a sexual partner and as more of a companion; someone I can share intimacy with without the confusing sexual tension.
I'm only writing this because I'm lonely right now and the cold medicine I took is messing with my head. It's stupid that I'm preoccupied with something like this. I'm still adjusting to this change in what we have.