Self rant

[chickit]

Bleh. I realized a few things today at Kristi's grad, not because of the milestone achievement of my closest friend, of which causes many to reflect on the accomplishments as of recent, but because it was so boring, holy crap, I almost fell asleep. But I was thinking, am I really happy? And I have yet to come to a answer to that one, but one thing that i'm not to pleased about is my buffet style life. I can't remember the last time i've fully devoted myself to ANYTHING, as little as a book, and as large as a relationship. People always say that you 'can't win if you don't play'... and 'to big or go home', and those are great mottos to live by, unfortunatly I don't. Its not that i've been really hurt by people, atleast more than others I know, and I've certainly come through it, with minor cuts, and broken bones. I've always wanted to live with no regrets, so I guess if i don't do anything to regret, I can't regret anything I do. Get it? I want to have a hobby, I want to have something that i'm known for, not just for always having the wise peanut gallery comment. Maybe thats what I'm known for, being able to make people laugh... which brings me to another thought, why am I ALWAYS smiling? People, llamas, think i'm laughing at them, but i'm not, seriously, I have so many inside jokes, mainly with myself, that almost everything I see, or think, makes me laugh outside, resulting the most interesting looks by my peers. Now to get back to the mushy stuff, in every single person i've dated, i've never felt really connected to him. I've only been hurt once, that I fully recognize, but i'm sure i've really been hurt recently, which i'll notice in a few years, but for now i'll refuse to think that i've had any sorta relationship that i've really cared about. If that hurts anyone reading this, i'm soooo sorry, sure. I want to have that gushyness, that bottemless feeling in your tummy everytime you see that person. I see it everywhere, and frankly my dear, it sucks. I don't want it right now, cuz i'm really enjoying my new singlehood life. Lets get it straight, I can't stand anyone else cheating on me, now many of you who know me, will say i'm a player too, which is not true, i'm mearly the tarzan of the dating land. From rope to rope, and for a while if i didn't have a rope, i'd fall. Now I know differently. I'm just standing on the ground, i've got nowhere to fall, except on my butt. True love picks you up, for now i'm walking to the horizon. I don't want a relationship now. Like I said earlier, cheating sucks, and as it turns out, with the exeption of tyson, who second time around can hardly be counted, i've been cheated on by my last two boyfriends, one of which, i refuse to let go of, and have convinced myself that hes 'an awsome friend, who anyone would be lucky to have' basically, hes a ranting post, that i can trick myself into thinking that theres something there... but there isn't, and never will be. My last bf sucked ass. Oi vey. I don't know what i was thinking. I've never been so bored and, yeah bored some more. Who knew that 10 mins could seem like 10 days of sheer torture? Hehe... but i can tell you exactly how many ceiling tiles he has. :p Had to get that in there. I think i'm going through this whole self bashing cuz i got a pinch of what true happiness is for me, and that was on my trip. And the one good thing that came outa that, is that i know that i'm going into the right field for me, because i'll be away for 6-8 months, pretty much doing what i did for the last few weeks in the UK, except on a big boat, with more people, and this time i'll be pete... but its so far away, i can see it, taste it, smell it, but can't grab it, its the most infuriating thing ever. I need to leave home, get away from dragonlady, i need to be able to kerry that i'll be home late and not to stay up, i need to be figuring out which pubs and clubs we're going too at dinner, and who's the most hungover the morning after, and who needs the morning after pill. Jk.. kinda... teena... oi. This is turning into a major rant, basically saying that i hate the way i live a buffet style life, sampling love, friends, life. Never getting a good taste, and never actually living it. I want a passion, I want to be known for something other that making people laugh. I want to feel as if belong in someones arms, and not whos gonna be there tomorrow when i'm not there.
I just want a hug, to know everythings gonna be ok.