lesson well learned...finally
Okay...so yea, I came home Friday...all was well, it was a great start to what I thought would be a wonderful break. No...I dont even know how to describe the events of last evening.
The last thing you will ever expect is to walk into a house and see one of your closest relatives dying. The worst part is...I was naive enough to think she could make it through it...as bad as it looked...the entire night was a blur...All I remember is seeing my grandma helpless...my mom leaving with my grandma in the ambulance, getting to the hospital after her, being put into a room...and then having to make that decision with my mom...and then PRAYING she could hold on until Ty got here...talking to her even though she was already gone...shes gone...what the hell!? I dont understand why he have to lose people...I am so angry! I can't comprehend death...And I can't comprehend how all of this could be happening...it's surreal...I have never in my life lost someone I am close to...I always thought I could feel the pain of someone going through what I am now...But I was never even close...all I feel is emptiness...I have been blessed with so many things because of her...I owe her my kick ass mom...and basically all of who I am today...and shes gone...and i NEVER told her that...never...my mom said that when I talk to her at the wake I still have a chance...But do I?! Her soul is already gone...that woman that made so many people laugh so hard they couldnt breathe...that taught my family so much...that was so spunky even in her last days that I prayed I would be like that after reaching her age...I love her...I keep thinking this will get easier, but I see something, completely random and it makes me think of her and I break down. I haveeee to be strong...for my mom, for my brother...I don't know how though...I can do it most of the time...but I will be a wreck for the rest of this week. I was considering not celebrating my birthday, but my mom said that I needed to have the girls come down and get my mind off of things...and I know it's what grandma would have wanted, but how can you celebrate when something so horrible just happened?!...geez...how does this all work? Ewww...I really don't like this world sometimes...
The last thing you will ever expect is to walk into a house and see one of your closest relatives dying. The worst part is...I was naive enough to think she could make it through it...as bad as it looked...the entire night was a blur...All I remember is seeing my grandma helpless...my mom leaving with my grandma in the ambulance, getting to the hospital after her, being put into a room...and then having to make that decision with my mom...and then PRAYING she could hold on until Ty got here...talking to her even though she was already gone...shes gone...what the hell!? I dont understand why he have to lose people...I am so angry! I can't comprehend death...And I can't comprehend how all of this could be happening...it's surreal...I have never in my life lost someone I am close to...I always thought I could feel the pain of someone going through what I am now...But I was never even close...all I feel is emptiness...I have been blessed with so many things because of her...I owe her my kick ass mom...and basically all of who I am today...and shes gone...and i NEVER told her that...never...my mom said that when I talk to her at the wake I still have a chance...But do I?! Her soul is already gone...that woman that made so many people laugh so hard they couldnt breathe...that taught my family so much...that was so spunky even in her last days that I prayed I would be like that after reaching her age...I love her...I keep thinking this will get easier, but I see something, completely random and it makes me think of her and I break down. I haveeee to be strong...for my mom, for my brother...I don't know how though...I can do it most of the time...but I will be a wreck for the rest of this week. I was considering not celebrating my birthday, but my mom said that I needed to have the girls come down and get my mind off of things...and I know it's what grandma would have wanted, but how can you celebrate when something so horrible just happened?!...geez...how does this all work? Ewww...I really don't like this world sometimes...