this isnt about anyone. this is just about me.
i'm fine. so if im fine, and everyone knows im fine, why do i just break down in the middle of nowhere? i dont even feel it coming. just all of a sudden, everything is bad. i want to leave, i really do. it feels like i dont have anything left for me here anymore. i honestly think that if i left tomorrow, no one would miss me or think about me. maybe a couple fleeting thoughts but no even temporary damage. im being honest, ok? im not looking for pity and i dont want anyone sucking up, not that anyone would. i just need so much for someone to hold me and tell me that they care and they'll always care and that no matter what they're here and wont ever let me go. i need that, and thats something that i just cant have here. maybe there isnt a man for me. it happens all the time. maybe im another person who was put on the earth and not meant to ever have a person to share life with.
i look around every day, wherever i am, and i can honestly say to myself that there is no one i would want to persue. no one i could pretend to be infatuated with. no one who would be reason enough not to go off with other guys, or reason enough to keep going to school or keep trying hard in the things that i do. theres no one i have any motivation for, and thats never happened before. even if it was puppy lust, or a silly crush, theres always been a whole list of names that i would "sacrifice anything" for. but there isnt anymore. theres no one that i want, besides the one person who seems to be fatal to have. and im not going to focus on that person, because its the best for both of us that i dont. so i havent. i havent for weeks. you can believe that if you want or consider it bullshit if you'd rather. it only matters that i know its true.
and i know that "love may take a lifetime to find" or whatever the hell other fucking cliche you can find in a book, but i dont even need love as it's popularly thought of. hell, i barely need lust. all i want is to be wanted. i want just a single person, some person who may never exist, to just want me as i am, and to want to hold me like i would hold them. i dont know what "love" is, or when it happens, or how it works. i dont think there really is the love that society markets in the springtime. i dont hold high standards like that. i try not to have such extreme expectations. i dont need any kind of job description on anyone's head, either. weather "friend" or "boyfriend" or "lover" or "having benefits" or "significant other." i dont need nor want any of that. i just want a person to care. to always care. it doesnt matter to me what they call themselves, or what they want my title to be.
i hate feeling helpless, as i do right now. but despite that, i know i am still stronger than anyone else knows, and i can achieve so much more than so many people believe i can, and i can do whatever i dream up to do. no one and nothing can hold me back if i decide on something i want to do. i know that. just, i have only one want. i dont want the world and i dont want its riches. the only thing i ask for is someone for me. and i can be everything for them, if they want the same.
i look around every day, wherever i am, and i can honestly say to myself that there is no one i would want to persue. no one i could pretend to be infatuated with. no one who would be reason enough not to go off with other guys, or reason enough to keep going to school or keep trying hard in the things that i do. theres no one i have any motivation for, and thats never happened before. even if it was puppy lust, or a silly crush, theres always been a whole list of names that i would "sacrifice anything" for. but there isnt anymore. theres no one that i want, besides the one person who seems to be fatal to have. and im not going to focus on that person, because its the best for both of us that i dont. so i havent. i havent for weeks. you can believe that if you want or consider it bullshit if you'd rather. it only matters that i know its true.
and i know that "love may take a lifetime to find" or whatever the hell other fucking cliche you can find in a book, but i dont even need love as it's popularly thought of. hell, i barely need lust. all i want is to be wanted. i want just a single person, some person who may never exist, to just want me as i am, and to want to hold me like i would hold them. i dont know what "love" is, or when it happens, or how it works. i dont think there really is the love that society markets in the springtime. i dont hold high standards like that. i try not to have such extreme expectations. i dont need any kind of job description on anyone's head, either. weather "friend" or "boyfriend" or "lover" or "having benefits" or "significant other." i dont need nor want any of that. i just want a person to care. to always care. it doesnt matter to me what they call themselves, or what they want my title to be.
i hate feeling helpless, as i do right now. but despite that, i know i am still stronger than anyone else knows, and i can achieve so much more than so many people believe i can, and i can do whatever i dream up to do. no one and nothing can hold me back if i decide on something i want to do. i know that. just, i have only one want. i dont want the world and i dont want its riches. the only thing i ask for is someone for me. and i can be everything for them, if they want the same.