Too lazy to type it over again... so here goes
mystifog [3:05 AM]: i dont know why
mystifog [3:05 AM]: but the past few days ive been like
mystifog [3:05 AM]: afraid to go to fordham
mystifog [3:05 AM]: not like, im not afraid to move
mystifog [3:05 AM]: and yaddayadda
mystifog [3:06 AM]: and before i truly honestly believed i totally deserved to go to fordham an i was so happy, hell i thought i deserved to go to nyu and felt jipped
mystifog [3:06 AM]: but now
mystifog [3:06 AM]: i dont, i feel like im going to make a fool out of myself there
mystifog [3:06 AM]: and everyones going to be so much smarter than me
mystifog [3:07 AM]: because im really not that smart at all, seriously, i know you think i like dont believe in myself or that im smarter than i actually believe i am
mystifog [3:07 AM]: but im pretty sure that im just slightly above average
ContraryLight [3:07 AM]: okay well if your slightly above average than im down in the retard range
ContraryLight [3:07 AM]: but ANYWAYS
ContraryLight [3:08 AM]: is there anything that caused that?
ContraryLight [3:08 AM]: then* not than
mystifog [3:08 AM]: i have no idea really
ContraryLight [3:08 AM]: like did yo utalk to someone from there that intimidated you or something
mystifog [3:08 AM]: it just kind of occured to me
mystifog [3:08 AM]: nope
ContraryLight [3:09 AM]: thats strange
ContraryLight [3:09 AM]: but okay, i know you truly believe you arent smart and everything, i can understand why. coming from english and not reall having the BEST education and everything, i understand that
mystifog [3:09 AM]: but its just upsetting, because you cant MAKE yourself smarter than you are
ContraryLight [3:09 AM]: but do you really think you're going to make an idiot of yourself?
ContraryLight [3:09 AM]: i mean truly
mystifog [3:09 AM]: so theres nothing i can do about it
ContraryLight [3:09 AM]: how is that even possible
mystifog [3:10 AM]: i think compared to the people who go there
mystifog [3:10 AM]: i will make an idiot of myself
ContraryLight [3:10 AM]: how though?
ContraryLight [3:10 AM]: like in classes or in discussions or what
mystifog [3:10 AM]: yeah in that
mystifog [3:10 AM]: i mean for gods sake i didnt even get into the honors program
mystifog [3:11 AM]: and probably wont
mystifog [3:11 AM]: and like idk i just am not good with words or writing essays
mystifog [3:11 AM]: and thats pretty much all that college is, is papers
mystifog [3:11 AM]: and everyone elses are going to be so so so much better than mine
ContraryLight [3:11 AM]: you dont know that though!
mystifog [3:12 AM]: even if i dont wait to the last minute and write them all in a day, lmao
mystifog [3:12 AM]: even if i spend time on them
mystifog [3:12 AM]: its going to come out like crap compared to what other people can write
mystifog [3:12 AM]: i know this because i am limited
mystifog [3:12 AM]: i just can physically do it
mystifog [3:12 AM]: cant*
mystifog [3:12 AM]: i cant produce anything great
mystifog [3:12 AM]: and i never have
mystifog [3:13 AM]: i cant get past a 3 on eng exams because i just CANT i dont have the capacity
ContraryLight [3:13 AM]: i cant believe you're saying this
mystifog [3:13 AM]: and i used to think oh it doesnt matter i just test badly
mystifog [3:13 AM]: but no i dont think thats it anymore, i think i just cant do it
ContraryLight [3:14 AM]: i dont even know what to say because i cant believe you really believe that about yourself
ContraryLight [3:14 AM]: listen i KNOW you know that you dont think you're smart
mystifog [3:14 AM]: no im not looking for you to like reassure me or anything
ContraryLight [3:14 AM]: and i know you know that i just think you are
mystifog [3:14 AM]: that wasnt the point, i was just saying like it just dawned on me all at once im not as smart as i thought i was
ContraryLight [3:15 AM]: dont you think everyone else is probably thinking the same thing though
mystifog [3:15 AM]: probably
mystifog [3:16 AM]: but thats because people are self conscious
mystifog [3:16 AM]: i dont know its not on that level for me
mystifog [3:16 AM]: theres proof right infront of me im not making it up
mystifog [3:17 AM]: or tricking myself or degrading myself
ContraryLight [3:17 AM]: what proof
mystifog [3:17 AM]: i just cant do things i assumed i could but "never tried"
mystifog [3:17 AM]: when i realize now i did try
mystifog [3:17 AM]: and i just couldnt do it
mystifog [3:18 AM]: i got a 3 on bio, and a 4 on calc
mystifog [3:18 AM]: because i dont have the capacity to do better
mystifog [3:18 AM]: i know it sounds ridiculoud
mystifog [3:18 AM]: *s
mystifog [3:18 AM]: yeah history if i had a better teacher/tried i prob wouldve gotten a 3
mystifog [3:18 AM]: at best
mystifog [3:19 AM]: it just sucks because im not good at anything
mystifog [3:19 AM]: ugh i dont know
ContraryLight [3:19 AM]: yeah, you're good at everything
mystifog [3:19 AM]: no but im not though
mystifog [3:19 AM]: im mediocre at everything
mystifog [3:19 AM]: and therefore that makes me look smart
mystifog [3:19 AM]: but there is nothing i fully grasp
mystifog [3:20 AM]: and i have realized its because i cant
mystifog [3:20 AM]: not because i didnt try hard enough
mystifog [3:20 AM]: like yeah i waited til the last minute to do all my work but that doesnt mean i didnt try
mystifog [3:20 AM]: i just had shitty time management
ContraryLight [3:20 AM]: but theres two sides to that
ContraryLight [3:21 AM]: because i could say that you're way smarter than me because you ARE good at everything
ContraryLight [3:21 AM]: whereas im good at one thing
ContraryLight [3:21 AM]: i envy you so badly for that
ContraryLight [3:21 AM]: i think everyone else who hasnt found what they want to do is thinking the same thing you are right now
mystifog [3:21 AM]: why? dont, its upsetting
mystifog [3:21 AM]: because i feel like theres no where i fit
ContraryLight [3:21 AM]: but you can fit anywhere
mystifog [3:22 AM]: no i cant though
mystifog [3:22 AM]: itd be different if i was genious at everything
mystifog [3:22 AM]: OMG
mystifog [3:22 AM]: lmao!
mystifog [3:22 AM]: genius
ContraryLight [3:22 AM]: lmao
ContraryLight [3:22 AM]: you expect to much from yourself
ContraryLight [3:22 AM]: in blatant terms
ContraryLight [3:22 AM]: you really do
mystifog [3:22 AM]: no i dont
mystifog [3:22 AM]: notanymore
mystifog [3:22 AM]: i know that i cant do it
mystifog [3:22 AM]: i just dojnt have it in me
ContraryLight [3:23 AM]: i dont even know what you mean by it
ContraryLight [3:23 AM]: what cant you do
mystifog [3:23 AM]: like
mystifog [3:23 AM]: i dont know ill just never be GREAT at anything
mystifog [3:23 AM]: therefore i dont expect too much from myself
mystifog [3:23 AM]: because i already have accepted that i cannot
ContraryLight [3:23 AM]: okay i get what you're saying
ContraryLight [3:24 AM]: and i dont know what to say
ContraryLight [3:24 AM]: just know that so many people would kill to be in your shoes
ContraryLight [3:24 AM]: i know that sounds retarded and you dont want to hear it
mystifog [3:24 AM]: but why
ContraryLight [3:24 AM]: because you NEED TO BE like you in todays world!
mystifog [3:24 AM]: why would anyone want to be me
ContraryLight [3:25 AM]: its so fucking competitive and you need to be good at everything
mystifog [3:25 AM]: precisely my point!
ContraryLight [3:25 AM]: i might get a shitty education that will determine where i go in life because i cant do math
ContraryLight [3:25 AM]: YOU CAN DO EVERYTHING!
ContraryLight [3:25 AM]: just not to the insanely high level you want
mystifog [3:25 AM]: no i cant though!
mystifog [3:25 AM]: its not insanely high
mystifog [3:26 AM]: its just not good enough
mystifog [3:26 AM]: and without being good in something, ive got nothing
ContraryLight [3:26 AM]: i still disagree with that im sorry
ContraryLight [3:27 AM]: i dont know what to say because i dont agree wtih you
mystifog [3:27 AM]: like theres just nothing i identify with, i guess
ContraryLight [3:27 AM]: but i can listen
ContraryLight [3:27 AM]: /read
mystifog [3:27 AM]: ok good lol
mystifog [3:28 AM]: i used to think i was soooooooo good in math, and i was really confident about that, and now i realize that im not and i just cant be because i just dont think that way
mystifog [3:28 AM]: well enough
ContraryLight [3:28 AM]: i think thats just because of the transition from a stupid high school though
ContraryLight [3:29 AM]: because theres so few kids who are smart you'd obviously stand out and be the smartest/best
ContraryLight [3:29 AM]: that'd happen in any school i think
ContraryLight [3:29 AM]: everyone realizes they arent the best at something when they actually have to go into the world i thin
mystifog [3:29 AM]: well i never thought that i was the best but i thought i was really good, not compared to anyone
mystifog [3:30 AM]: and now i know that im not, still not compared to anyone, i just assumed i was capable of more than i actually am
ContraryLight [3:30 AM]: right i understand
mystifog [3:30 AM]: so idk it just sucks
mystifog [3:31 AM]: and i wish i could be good at english but im not because i just dont think that way either
mystifog [3:31 AM]: so whats left if i cant be creative and i cant be logical
ContraryLight [3:31 AM]: you can be nicole?
ContraryLight [3:31 AM]: ignore the cliched corniness of that statement please
mystifog [3:32 AM]: but how can i if i cant
ContraryLight [3:32 AM]: how can you be nicole if you cant be nicole?
mystifog [3:32 AM]: wait what
ContraryLight [3:32 AM]: i dont know
mystifog [3:32 AM]: ohwait
mystifog [3:32 AM]: when you said
ContraryLight [3:32 AM]: is that what you're asking?
mystifog [3:32 AM]: you can be nicole
mystifog [3:32 AM]: i assumed you forgot the comma
ContraryLight [3:33 AM]: oh no no
mystifog [3:33 AM]: i was wondering why you said that was cliche
ContraryLight [3:33 AM]: i meant it like i wrote it
mystifog [3:33 AM]: lol got it
mystifog [3:33 AM]: but what am i
mystifog [3:33 AM]: going back to my point, i dont identify with anything
ContraryLight [3:34 AM]: right no i understand what you're saying, i really do
ContraryLight [3:34 AM]: but why do you have to fit into...something? i can understand why you;d want to
ContraryLight [3:34 AM]: i dnt know how to say what i want to say
mystifog [3:34 AM]: because if i cant fit into something then i have nothing
ContraryLight [3:34 AM]: like no identity?
mystifog [3:35 AM]: ive got nothing to go off of, ive got no possible way to be successful because i dont excel in anything
ContraryLight [3:35 AM]: hmmm
mystifog [3:36 AM]: i cant do math, i certainly cant do english, apparently cant do science, history...no, i cant do theatre, i cant do art
mystifog [3:36 AM]: i am good at nothing
mystifog [3:37 AM]: cant do them to the capacity of being great
mystifog [3:37 AM]: is what i mean
ContraryLight [3:37 AM]: i know
mystifog [3:37 AM]: so what is the point of going to fordham if i cant do anything
ContraryLight [3:38 AM]: but back to the fordham thing from the beginning, i highly doubt everyone there excels at one certain thing
ContraryLight [3:38 AM]: what do you mean whats the point/
mystifog [3:38 AM]: just what am i going to do there
ContraryLight [3:38 AM]: you go to college to get an education, not to train you in some particular craft
mystifog [3:39 AM]: but what if the education they provide proves useless to me because i cant use it, because i am not capable of truly understanding what they are teaching me
ContraryLight [3:39 AM]: i dont know nicole
ContraryLight [3:40 AM]: im really sorry that you feel like that though seriously
mystifog [3:40 AM]: me too
ContraryLight [3:41 AM]: and i wish there was something i could tell you but you've run me out of reassurances, and you dont want them anyways
ContraryLight [3:41 AM]: i know you'll be happy there though
ContraryLight [3:41 AM]: you earned it
ContraryLight [3:41 AM]: you might not think you did, but i think you have, and obviously they do too or you wouldnt be going there
mystifog [3:42 AM]: mm i just dont know
ContraryLight [3:43 AM]: OH MY FUCKING GOD
mystifog [3:43 AM]: what?
ContraryLight [3:43 AM]: i have all my lights off so my mom wouldnt see that im awake
ContraryLight [3:43 AM]: so i didnt see her when she opened the door
ContraryLight [3:43 AM]: and im sitting here pulling strands of hair out my head
ContraryLight [3:43 AM]: and she goes "WHAT ARE YOU DOING UP"
mystifog [3:43 AM]: LOLOLL
ContraryLight [3:43 AM]: holy fucking shit i think i just died
ContraryLight [3:43 AM]: oh my god
ContraryLight [3:44 AM]: okay sorry
ContraryLight [3:44 AM]: im good
mystifog [3:44 AM]: lololololol
ContraryLight [3:44 AM]: you'll figure it out eventually nicole
mystifog [3:44 AM]: i hope so
mystifog [3:44 AM]: i hope im being self conscious
ContraryLight [3:44 AM]: ten bucks says you are
ContraryLight [3:44 AM]: just kidding
mystifog [3:44 AM]: lmao
ContraryLight [3:44 AM]: i d ont know why i just said that...
mystifog [3:45 AM]: you said it earlier too
mystifog [3:45 AM]: gambling addiction, much?
ContraryLight [3:45 AM]: shhh tell no one