(no subject)

[chickenliver1]

Its Thursday....I think. My mother said that I could have a week vacation, so I guess that means that after this week I better start looking. Ehh...its strange that Im just looking for something just for cash. I want nothing else. No friendships, no fun times...no caring about anything just the damn money. I need the damn money! I feel bad about that. I know, Im being just too sensitive. But it reminds me of booty calls for some reason. So cheap and dirty like. 'I dont give a fuck about you, I just want whats mind.' My brother told me I could get a job at the casino real easy, I would just have to lie about going back to school. Its like I'm to scared to talk like that. I mean if worse comes to worse what if I'm not really able to come back. I dont want to even think about that. So to lie to someone about it, that in itself makes it too much of a reality that I don't want to ever consider. It scares me, you know. Im so motivated to go to school and get good grades and im doing it, so when there are things that come in my way that I cant control...it just frightens me. Im one of those people that have to stick to the road im on. There are those people who can take a year off or go back after the kids leave the nest and I cant even comprehend how they do it. I think its just that any problem that I have ever had, it has always been my family. I look at my goals and there always there to blame when I don't reach them. I dont want to be selfish or become cold hearted but dammit now is not the time for me to help others. I am just unable to do it. My sister says that I always run away when things get to tough but I dont think that is the issue here. I know the exact task and I know how much I would have to give and I would have to drop other things in order to do that.
I just need a job to calm the fuck down.