and so it is
"i am beautifully broken, and i don't mind if you know it.." A.S.
this weekend was completely refreshing for me. i always look foreward to hanging out with mateo. so i pretty much didn't talk on my cell all weekend, and i'm sorry friends. i'm hosting. you know. pretty much all weekend it was me, matt, scott, mark, katie, and cole. i had SO much fun. i want to do it everyday. :) it took my mind off of so much. i miss matt so much already. :(
i made up a song friday while katie and i were getting ready. it's about matt's broken snaggle tooth. ;) I call it "My snaggle" it goes to the tune of that stupid commerical...."My buddy and me" those dolls you could buy growin up...HA. it goes like so.."my snaggle, my snaggle, wherever i go, he goes...my snaggle, my snaggle, my snaggle and me!" the end. do you LOVE IT? it was alot funnier when katie and i sang it...:/
so what has really helped me with death is my blogging. honestly. i get it out without talking about it, without people seeing me be "weak". it's my sanity. i don't think you all know just how much i do hold inside. i never used to be this way, and i hate that i am. but for me it's easier to "fix" if i can fix it and not have to depend on others to "try" and fail. leaving me dissapointed and once again wondering why i trusted them. again my trust issues. i hate getting close to people and then when they move on with their lives i am stuck trying to re-form a bond with them or with new people...like when people get boyfriends and forget you existed until their heart is broken. why is it that way? why don't people just try harder, stay in touch....just try?
which brings me to my next thought....growing up as little girls you probably have your wedding planned out by age 7. we just do it. ok? blame it on dinsey and the happily ever afters stories...we wait for our prince to come rescue us..but what if he never comes? or it doesn't turn out as happily ever after as planned? have you ever thought perhaps we rescue ourselfs. YES, we do. :) or at least i believe so...
in class the other day we talked about how there are two type of people in the world in terms of how they deal with coping. there are problem focused people, and then there are emotion focused.
1. problem focused- squarely face the problem...make it "go away" or work out a plan to chip away at the problem.
2. emotion focused- use defensive stratagies...avoid the problem, and tend to rationalize things.
i prefer to call them the strong and the crumbly people. as we sat in lecture and the teacher spoke of this the girl who sits behind me says you are the first one. i hardly know her. and i though wow i have been wearing my heart on my sleeve. i am not a crumbly person. i hate avoiding problems. i sit down work out a stratagy and fix it. that's what i did when i got pregnant. it's most definantly the first thing i did when my mother died. planned out her funeral, made sure she didn't owe anything to anyone...etc. but it's not so easy to be strong all the time. honestly. i have always been the "strong one" in my current situation sometimes i feel like i am drowning and there are poeple watching but they do nothing, no life perserver, they just watch. maybe they are the crumblies.....afraid to move. paralyzed by fear.
which i believe is why crumbly people are attracted to the strong. and vice versa. but when i asked my teacher if strongs tended to date strongs or was it the other way around. she said strongs have the best relationships with strongs. it just doesn't work out with crumblies. they are weaker. so i guess maybe over time it's not filling enough to the strongs. which i get. b/c being strong for everyone is so DRAINING sometimes. so i can see that....still, i don't mind being the strong one.
i have been doing so much thinking lately. it was nice not to have to think this weekend. i went to a grief support group at church on thursday. and i don't know if i'll go back...it was like an AA meeting. i had to say.."Hi my name is amy, my mom died 8 weeks ago due to a trauma." and then i listened to these people...so VERY nice. but they are griefing losses from 3-4 years ago....mine is soo fresh. and i thought to myself it has already been 2 months but feels like it just happened yesterday....but yet so far away. almost liek time has two feelings for me, yesterday but yet 10 years ago. i HATE it. what is wrong with me?
i talked to Alan today. i have known him since high school. his mother passed away in november. i wrote a blog about it a few blogs back. i was like part of their family. so i talked to Al today for a long time about our mom's. the deaths so differant but yet the same feelings we share. SO COMFORTING. b/c no one,none of my friends have lost a parent or a child and i grief BOTH. he encouraged me to go to the grave site. and i want to i'm just using fear as my excuse. i will go. soon. i'm afraid i won't get up. but it willbe the CLOSEST i will be to her. God i need her. i have so much going on in my life right now. i can't breathe. i have so many obligations now...and no money to pay them. no time to grief her. i had a day off from work. alan took three weeks off. i go through these motions and act like i'm ok b/c i feel that's what i am supposed to do. but i am not okay. not at all. i miss her. everyday. and i'm so tired of telling people how i feel, so tired of talking. so i blog. and if you don't read it, you miss it. b/c i can't be raw to so many people but i can write it and be done with it....make sense?
as some of you might also know my mom and i didn't see eye to eye on lily. she never forgave me for becoming pregnant and that was what our fights were always about. her feelings were hurt i didn't come home on christmas this year. well, i had to work, AND i wanted to spend it with lily b/c she is actualy getting it now that she is almost 3. nothing is more exciting. but i went home the day after to see my parents. still i knew she was upset. she resented lily. i guess in a way lily took me away from her. but it wasn't that way. i wasn't going to disown anyone b/c i had a child. and i guess i always thought one day my mom would "get over it" but she never did. and that haunts me daily. why didn't she love me enough? why didn't she forgive me? why why why and what if....they do nothing. and i'm so sick of the cliche' words. "your mom loved you" i know she did, it was the last thing she said and i know she knows i love her. but it doesn't make me feel better yet. "she heard you"...i'm sure she did, but im not sure and saying that does nothing for me. also my favorite. "if you need anything, just call." b/c people say that and then do nothing. so once i gain my strength back i am going to write a letter to my mom, tie it to a balloon and go see her. cry, and set my balloon free. just let it go...and hopefully that will help me. THE MOST. just saying what i never did to her. forgiveness for us both. finishing the unfininshed.
and i realized when my dad dies, i will have no one. no grandparent's (they are all dead) and practically no family...b/c where has my family been since the passing of my mother? not here. aunt edith has called several times and prayed with me on the phone but that is it. and aunt laura goes to see my mother's grave everyday several times a day. but other than that...my dad's family didn't come to the funeral or call..everyone dissapears. so when my dad does go...i will truely be an orphan....alone.
so my advice to you all. call your mother and father everyday. tell them you love them everyday, do not go to bed mad at anyone, it could be the last time you see /talk to them. and i know that itself is cliche' andi hate saying it to you all....but i would hate for any of you to feel what i do. so if i could in some way prevent what i am going through for anyone, i would. it's not worth it.
so no my prince is not coming to sweep me off my feet and pay off all this debt my mother left me. i will pay on it a little at a time...it's like eating an elephant. you can't swollow it whole, you break of bites and go slowly....it will all work itself out in time. i just won't be able to do the things i want to anymore. my life has been put on hold for the moment. it'll come back, it's just going to be awhile, and i understand that. right now, i am my own prince. :)
".....and so it is, just like you said it would be. Life goes easy on me, most of the time...and so it is...the shorter story...no love, no glory...no hero in her sky......"- D.R.
this weekend was completely refreshing for me. i always look foreward to hanging out with mateo. so i pretty much didn't talk on my cell all weekend, and i'm sorry friends. i'm hosting. you know. pretty much all weekend it was me, matt, scott, mark, katie, and cole. i had SO much fun. i want to do it everyday. :) it took my mind off of so much. i miss matt so much already. :(
i made up a song friday while katie and i were getting ready. it's about matt's broken snaggle tooth. ;) I call it "My snaggle" it goes to the tune of that stupid commerical...."My buddy and me" those dolls you could buy growin up...HA. it goes like so.."my snaggle, my snaggle, wherever i go, he goes...my snaggle, my snaggle, my snaggle and me!" the end. do you LOVE IT? it was alot funnier when katie and i sang it...:/
so what has really helped me with death is my blogging. honestly. i get it out without talking about it, without people seeing me be "weak". it's my sanity. i don't think you all know just how much i do hold inside. i never used to be this way, and i hate that i am. but for me it's easier to "fix" if i can fix it and not have to depend on others to "try" and fail. leaving me dissapointed and once again wondering why i trusted them. again my trust issues. i hate getting close to people and then when they move on with their lives i am stuck trying to re-form a bond with them or with new people...like when people get boyfriends and forget you existed until their heart is broken. why is it that way? why don't people just try harder, stay in touch....just try?
which brings me to my next thought....growing up as little girls you probably have your wedding planned out by age 7. we just do it. ok? blame it on dinsey and the happily ever afters stories...we wait for our prince to come rescue us..but what if he never comes? or it doesn't turn out as happily ever after as planned? have you ever thought perhaps we rescue ourselfs. YES, we do. :) or at least i believe so...
in class the other day we talked about how there are two type of people in the world in terms of how they deal with coping. there are problem focused people, and then there are emotion focused.
1. problem focused- squarely face the problem...make it "go away" or work out a plan to chip away at the problem.
2. emotion focused- use defensive stratagies...avoid the problem, and tend to rationalize things.
i prefer to call them the strong and the crumbly people. as we sat in lecture and the teacher spoke of this the girl who sits behind me says you are the first one. i hardly know her. and i though wow i have been wearing my heart on my sleeve. i am not a crumbly person. i hate avoiding problems. i sit down work out a stratagy and fix it. that's what i did when i got pregnant. it's most definantly the first thing i did when my mother died. planned out her funeral, made sure she didn't owe anything to anyone...etc. but it's not so easy to be strong all the time. honestly. i have always been the "strong one" in my current situation sometimes i feel like i am drowning and there are poeple watching but they do nothing, no life perserver, they just watch. maybe they are the crumblies.....afraid to move. paralyzed by fear.
which i believe is why crumbly people are attracted to the strong. and vice versa. but when i asked my teacher if strongs tended to date strongs or was it the other way around. she said strongs have the best relationships with strongs. it just doesn't work out with crumblies. they are weaker. so i guess maybe over time it's not filling enough to the strongs. which i get. b/c being strong for everyone is so DRAINING sometimes. so i can see that....still, i don't mind being the strong one.
i have been doing so much thinking lately. it was nice not to have to think this weekend. i went to a grief support group at church on thursday. and i don't know if i'll go back...it was like an AA meeting. i had to say.."Hi my name is amy, my mom died 8 weeks ago due to a trauma." and then i listened to these people...so VERY nice. but they are griefing losses from 3-4 years ago....mine is soo fresh. and i thought to myself it has already been 2 months but feels like it just happened yesterday....but yet so far away. almost liek time has two feelings for me, yesterday but yet 10 years ago. i HATE it. what is wrong with me?
i talked to Alan today. i have known him since high school. his mother passed away in november. i wrote a blog about it a few blogs back. i was like part of their family. so i talked to Al today for a long time about our mom's. the deaths so differant but yet the same feelings we share. SO COMFORTING. b/c no one,none of my friends have lost a parent or a child and i grief BOTH. he encouraged me to go to the grave site. and i want to i'm just using fear as my excuse. i will go. soon. i'm afraid i won't get up. but it willbe the CLOSEST i will be to her. God i need her. i have so much going on in my life right now. i can't breathe. i have so many obligations now...and no money to pay them. no time to grief her. i had a day off from work. alan took three weeks off. i go through these motions and act like i'm ok b/c i feel that's what i am supposed to do. but i am not okay. not at all. i miss her. everyday. and i'm so tired of telling people how i feel, so tired of talking. so i blog. and if you don't read it, you miss it. b/c i can't be raw to so many people but i can write it and be done with it....make sense?
as some of you might also know my mom and i didn't see eye to eye on lily. she never forgave me for becoming pregnant and that was what our fights were always about. her feelings were hurt i didn't come home on christmas this year. well, i had to work, AND i wanted to spend it with lily b/c she is actualy getting it now that she is almost 3. nothing is more exciting. but i went home the day after to see my parents. still i knew she was upset. she resented lily. i guess in a way lily took me away from her. but it wasn't that way. i wasn't going to disown anyone b/c i had a child. and i guess i always thought one day my mom would "get over it" but she never did. and that haunts me daily. why didn't she love me enough? why didn't she forgive me? why why why and what if....they do nothing. and i'm so sick of the cliche' words. "your mom loved you" i know she did, it was the last thing she said and i know she knows i love her. but it doesn't make me feel better yet. "she heard you"...i'm sure she did, but im not sure and saying that does nothing for me. also my favorite. "if you need anything, just call." b/c people say that and then do nothing. so once i gain my strength back i am going to write a letter to my mom, tie it to a balloon and go see her. cry, and set my balloon free. just let it go...and hopefully that will help me. THE MOST. just saying what i never did to her. forgiveness for us both. finishing the unfininshed.
and i realized when my dad dies, i will have no one. no grandparent's (they are all dead) and practically no family...b/c where has my family been since the passing of my mother? not here. aunt edith has called several times and prayed with me on the phone but that is it. and aunt laura goes to see my mother's grave everyday several times a day. but other than that...my dad's family didn't come to the funeral or call..everyone dissapears. so when my dad does go...i will truely be an orphan....alone.
so my advice to you all. call your mother and father everyday. tell them you love them everyday, do not go to bed mad at anyone, it could be the last time you see /talk to them. and i know that itself is cliche' andi hate saying it to you all....but i would hate for any of you to feel what i do. so if i could in some way prevent what i am going through for anyone, i would. it's not worth it.
so no my prince is not coming to sweep me off my feet and pay off all this debt my mother left me. i will pay on it a little at a time...it's like eating an elephant. you can't swollow it whole, you break of bites and go slowly....it will all work itself out in time. i just won't be able to do the things i want to anymore. my life has been put on hold for the moment. it'll come back, it's just going to be awhile, and i understand that. right now, i am my own prince. :)
".....and so it is, just like you said it would be. Life goes easy on me, most of the time...and so it is...the shorter story...no love, no glory...no hero in her sky......"- D.R.