(no subject)
I just realized... when a certain person gets married, I'm going to be devastated. I never really considered the possibility before, truthfully. I had accepted for the most part when he had gotten girlfriends because a part of me knew that they wouldn't last too long and was comforted by the fact that none of them were that perfect girl he was looking for, he usually just seemed to get really desperate and settle. I figured that no one would ever be perfect enough. Someone will be one day, though. Someday he's going to grow out of whatever the hell this is or have an epiphany or SOMETHING and then he's going to find his perfect girl and get married. I don't really think I could handle that. I guess if I finally found my perfect guy before then, was sure he would stay with me, was sure I would marry him, then I would be okay. I wouldn't really feel like I needed anyone else. That would have to be the case because I'm pretty sure when that time comes, I'm not going to hear from him again.
Right now, that's not the case. Right now it sucks whenever he gets a girlfriend and suddenly doesn't need me anymore and then I don't hear from him for months. During those times I've lost the only person I really feel comfortable telling just about anything to. The only thing that really gets me through it is that eventually they'll break up because she won't be good enough somehow, he'll get lonely and desperate and bored and start talking to me again.
And, truthfully, how fucking pathetic IS THAT? My main source of support is someone who only gives a crap when he doesn't have someone better to care about. When he doesn't have a life.
Yeah, well, beggars can't be choosers.
And, thinking about it, how is it that the people who make me feel loved the most (when they actually decide to pay attention to me) are the people who really don't need me? As soon as there's another option, I'm quickly dumped and forgotten. And, yet, when they do need, me, I forget about this, my brain tells me that I was overreacting that they were just busy, that something else must have been going on, etc. Insert one of several excuses that I make up for them. Are they just that good at putting on a show for me? Is that what it is? Or am I just really that fucked up?
And I feel like the more I try to distance myself, the more I try not to need them and not care if they're around, the harder they try to put on the charm and suck me back in, usually by guilt tripping me and making me feel sorry for them when they wonder why I'm not falling over myself because of them like I used to. Don't I care about them anymore? Why not? It's because they're horrible isn't it? They understand... no ever wants to stick around for them, everyone leaves or stops caring eventually, blah, blah, blah, guilt trip, blah, manipulation, blah, blah.
Well, gee, YOU LEFT FIRST. Then I chased and you left and I chased again and you left and I chased again and you left... repeat the process like 20 fucking times because I'm just that stupid and weak and I can't let anyone go. And when they leave it's always "for my own good." Fuck you. Leaving me alone and hurting me isn't for my own good. Staying and helping me get through all the other shit NOT caused by you IS.
Why does it all have to be some stupid game? Why can't it be "they're there for me, I'm there for them." Simple. Much less fucking tiring and confusing. But NO, they have to make me feel like a clingy moron half the time and heartless the other half.
I'm just building up anger as I go on with this, so I'd better stop
Right now, that's not the case. Right now it sucks whenever he gets a girlfriend and suddenly doesn't need me anymore and then I don't hear from him for months. During those times I've lost the only person I really feel comfortable telling just about anything to. The only thing that really gets me through it is that eventually they'll break up because she won't be good enough somehow, he'll get lonely and desperate and bored and start talking to me again.
And, truthfully, how fucking pathetic IS THAT? My main source of support is someone who only gives a crap when he doesn't have someone better to care about. When he doesn't have a life.
Yeah, well, beggars can't be choosers.
And, thinking about it, how is it that the people who make me feel loved the most (when they actually decide to pay attention to me) are the people who really don't need me? As soon as there's another option, I'm quickly dumped and forgotten. And, yet, when they do need, me, I forget about this, my brain tells me that I was overreacting that they were just busy, that something else must have been going on, etc. Insert one of several excuses that I make up for them. Are they just that good at putting on a show for me? Is that what it is? Or am I just really that fucked up?
And I feel like the more I try to distance myself, the more I try not to need them and not care if they're around, the harder they try to put on the charm and suck me back in, usually by guilt tripping me and making me feel sorry for them when they wonder why I'm not falling over myself because of them like I used to. Don't I care about them anymore? Why not? It's because they're horrible isn't it? They understand... no ever wants to stick around for them, everyone leaves or stops caring eventually, blah, blah, blah, guilt trip, blah, manipulation, blah, blah.
Well, gee, YOU LEFT FIRST. Then I chased and you left and I chased again and you left and I chased again and you left... repeat the process like 20 fucking times because I'm just that stupid and weak and I can't let anyone go. And when they leave it's always "for my own good." Fuck you. Leaving me alone and hurting me isn't for my own good. Staying and helping me get through all the other shit NOT caused by you IS.
Why does it all have to be some stupid game? Why can't it be "they're there for me, I'm there for them." Simple. Much less fucking tiring and confusing. But NO, they have to make me feel like a clingy moron half the time and heartless the other half.
I'm just building up anger as I go on with this, so I'd better stop