(no subject)
God, I don't want to go back to Midland.
Right now I'm trying to decide whether I should try to go to sleep, if it'll even be worth it or just make me cranky considering I'm supposed to be leaving at 11am, or if I should be doing the little bit of packing I can do without making too much noise to wake my dad up.
I kinda want to just do nothing. I want to throw a fit and refuse to move. I've been having that tendency a lot lately. Usually I end up cutting and then doing what I need to do. Considering the fact that a couple of months back I started cutting every time I have to pack to go to Midland and/or the cabin and every time I haveto go to some sort of appointment, I think the odds are pretty good that I'll end up cutting tomorrow since tomorrow I'm both going back to Midland and have an appointment and I'm going to be doing this on little sleep. It's sad, my other cuts were just healing, too. The scabs were all going away.
I can't help but wonder if this is all really worth it. because if it's not going to result in me getting better, the stress of trying to get to that point is just making me a lot worse.
This is kind of horrible to say, but I'm better when I'm in Lansing with my dad and my mom is away. I feel better then. Not wonderful, but not incredibly miserable to the point where I'm crying and cutting and flipping out like in any other situation. I like being left alone but then having someone here at night so I'm not horribly afraid. I'm still afraid, just not to the point where I can't stand it like if I was in the house alone. When I'm in Midland or at the cabin I'm not left alone and I feel trapped in one room, because as soon as I come out, there's pressure to talk or stay or do something. If I'm in Lansing when my mom's home, I have nowhere to escape to, she's constantly all over the house and constantly banging and rearranging and moving. My dad just goes to work then comes home and watches TV or goes out to visit my aunt or a friend or something. I come upstairs and he may comment, but he's pretty much gotten used to me ignoring him if I don't want to talk, and if I do comment back he doesn't puch for more than that. He doesn't come downstairs in my room except in the morning and possibly if he's looking to find food on the shelf real quick for supper. That's it. Simple.
I have to admit, while my mom's more comforting now and usually less frustrating to be around, my dad is usually a whole lot easier to live with (as long as my mom's not around, anyway. He seems to change how he acts when she's here).
I don't know. I guess I'm not really satisfied with any situation. there are just different levels of "miserable" that I have to deal with living in.
Right now I'm trying to decide whether I should try to go to sleep, if it'll even be worth it or just make me cranky considering I'm supposed to be leaving at 11am, or if I should be doing the little bit of packing I can do without making too much noise to wake my dad up.
I kinda want to just do nothing. I want to throw a fit and refuse to move. I've been having that tendency a lot lately. Usually I end up cutting and then doing what I need to do. Considering the fact that a couple of months back I started cutting every time I have to pack to go to Midland and/or the cabin and every time I haveto go to some sort of appointment, I think the odds are pretty good that I'll end up cutting tomorrow since tomorrow I'm both going back to Midland and have an appointment and I'm going to be doing this on little sleep. It's sad, my other cuts were just healing, too. The scabs were all going away.
I can't help but wonder if this is all really worth it. because if it's not going to result in me getting better, the stress of trying to get to that point is just making me a lot worse.
This is kind of horrible to say, but I'm better when I'm in Lansing with my dad and my mom is away. I feel better then. Not wonderful, but not incredibly miserable to the point where I'm crying and cutting and flipping out like in any other situation. I like being left alone but then having someone here at night so I'm not horribly afraid. I'm still afraid, just not to the point where I can't stand it like if I was in the house alone. When I'm in Midland or at the cabin I'm not left alone and I feel trapped in one room, because as soon as I come out, there's pressure to talk or stay or do something. If I'm in Lansing when my mom's home, I have nowhere to escape to, she's constantly all over the house and constantly banging and rearranging and moving. My dad just goes to work then comes home and watches TV or goes out to visit my aunt or a friend or something. I come upstairs and he may comment, but he's pretty much gotten used to me ignoring him if I don't want to talk, and if I do comment back he doesn't puch for more than that. He doesn't come downstairs in my room except in the morning and possibly if he's looking to find food on the shelf real quick for supper. That's it. Simple.
I have to admit, while my mom's more comforting now and usually less frustrating to be around, my dad is usually a whole lot easier to live with (as long as my mom's not around, anyway. He seems to change how he acts when she's here).
I don't know. I guess I'm not really satisfied with any situation. there are just different levels of "miserable" that I have to deal with living in.