I kinda just need to write this and get it out of my system
So Christmas.
I managed to make it through the day but it was even harder than I realized it would be. We always did CHristmas Eve & usually Christmas day with my grandparents. Gramma always either helped make dinner (when I was a kid because Christmas Eve was at my house then) or make the entire dinner herself.
This year none of us, aside from Lisa, wanted to bother with Christmas. Honestly if it wasn't for Lisa we wouldn't have bothered but she loves Christmas and we couldn't deprive her of it.
But, God. It was hard. Hard. On Christmas Eve, the day I always spent with my grandmother, I was just overwhelmed with grief. We ended up going out for pizza so we didn't have to bother and decided to make last minute reservations for dinner at a local restaurant on Christmas day instead of having to cook. The meal was fine, traditional Christmas/Thanksgiving type fair. I vaguely remember glazed ham and turkey.
After I came home, took a long hot bath and sat in the tub and cried.
A lot.
Yesterday a dear friend texted me and asked how I was. During the course of the conversation I realized that Christmas, in certain ways, was/is a lot harder than when she actually passed away. You're constantly - CONSTANTLY - reminded that everyone is so HAPPY and BLESSED and if you're not happy you're a big ole mean Scrooge and certain people who are HAPPY will have no problem telling you you're a Scrooge. Even if they don't MEAN it that kind of stings because they KNOW you've had a rough time of it lately. But you think maybe people are just TIRED, so TIRED, of hearing about how sad you are. Hey I don't blame them - Hell, I'm tired of it and I'm the one feeling it. But then my therapist told me it's better to feel it now than try to bury it and then have it all come up years from now... and I agree with her but damn. I can think of better things to have done on Christmas then spending an hour in the tub sobbing.
Losing Papi was hard. It was so hard that six months later I still had a hard time believing it. This? Feels even harder. Though it's comforting to think somehow, somewhere they're together again.
The fact that Christmas is everywhere - Hell, it's even on TOILET PAPER - no lie, I was in the drug store and found CHRISTMAS THEMED TOILET PAPER - WTF?!?! - kinda doesn't help. And it's like this constant reminder that everyone is happy when you're in mourning and it feels like this vicious cycle of sadness and it flat out blows. And part of you is actually MAD at everyone for their happiness when you're not and then you feel horrible and very very selfish because, hey, they DESERVE to be happy! They're good people! And it's not THEIR fault you're sad. And you feel terrible for being such a selfish person...
And it all comes back to the fact you'd give away the stuff you bought with your inheritance money (stuff that you see people on Twitter bitching that they didn't get these things for Christmas which makes you see red you're so frustrated) for just one more hour to spend with your gramma.
Because you can't spend one last Christmas with her.
I have no idea why I wrote all that in that 'you' POV, it just came out that way. I guess just. Trying to distance myself from the emotions it brought up... It possibly didn't make sense - I think I changed tenses & made other errors but I'm too tired and drained to fix it.
Next Christmas will hopefully be better... Time helps and it's only been a couple of months after all. I knew it would be hard but I had no idea it would be this hard. No matter how well I thought I was prepared; I wasn't.
I have to go to Weight Watchers tomorrow and I really don't want to. I know I probably gained five pounds this week which would mean I've gained over half of the weight I've lost in the past year since she passed. Meh.
In happier news (really this is happier) My mom is feeling better physically. She's still tired a lot but she's much healthier than she was before she was in the hospital. It freaks me out to realize if I hadn't have gone over & saw her and then called the paramedics that she may not be alive right now. I get chills...
And I've taken up beading with a vengeance, my friends. I'm actually starting to get better, though really looking at some of the stuff I did six months ago I couldn't get much worse. LOL I've been experimenting with wire wrap which is a bit tricky because my eyesight isn't the greatest (I'm getting old - gasp!) and I'm all thumbs but I am determined to master it. It's pretty fun, actually. My mom is telling me to get an Esty site and I'm considering it. Those of you who have one do you have any recommendations? I need to get some displays so I can take proper photographs so that I already kind of know but any other recommendations? I have no idea what I'm doing ... lol.
I guess I'm done updating. One of these days I'll do an actual to God fannish entry ... I KNOW you're all just waiting for that, aren't you? Heh. ;-)
I managed to make it through the day but it was even harder than I realized it would be. We always did CHristmas Eve & usually Christmas day with my grandparents. Gramma always either helped make dinner (when I was a kid because Christmas Eve was at my house then) or make the entire dinner herself.
This year none of us, aside from Lisa, wanted to bother with Christmas. Honestly if it wasn't for Lisa we wouldn't have bothered but she loves Christmas and we couldn't deprive her of it.
But, God. It was hard. Hard. On Christmas Eve, the day I always spent with my grandmother, I was just overwhelmed with grief. We ended up going out for pizza so we didn't have to bother and decided to make last minute reservations for dinner at a local restaurant on Christmas day instead of having to cook. The meal was fine, traditional Christmas/Thanksgiving type fair. I vaguely remember glazed ham and turkey.
After I came home, took a long hot bath and sat in the tub and cried.
A lot.
Yesterday a dear friend texted me and asked how I was. During the course of the conversation I realized that Christmas, in certain ways, was/is a lot harder than when she actually passed away. You're constantly - CONSTANTLY - reminded that everyone is so HAPPY and BLESSED and if you're not happy you're a big ole mean Scrooge and certain people who are HAPPY will have no problem telling you you're a Scrooge. Even if they don't MEAN it that kind of stings because they KNOW you've had a rough time of it lately. But you think maybe people are just TIRED, so TIRED, of hearing about how sad you are. Hey I don't blame them - Hell, I'm tired of it and I'm the one feeling it. But then my therapist told me it's better to feel it now than try to bury it and then have it all come up years from now... and I agree with her but damn. I can think of better things to have done on Christmas then spending an hour in the tub sobbing.
Losing Papi was hard. It was so hard that six months later I still had a hard time believing it. This? Feels even harder. Though it's comforting to think somehow, somewhere they're together again.
The fact that Christmas is everywhere - Hell, it's even on TOILET PAPER - no lie, I was in the drug store and found CHRISTMAS THEMED TOILET PAPER - WTF?!?! - kinda doesn't help. And it's like this constant reminder that everyone is happy when you're in mourning and it feels like this vicious cycle of sadness and it flat out blows. And part of you is actually MAD at everyone for their happiness when you're not and then you feel horrible and very very selfish because, hey, they DESERVE to be happy! They're good people! And it's not THEIR fault you're sad. And you feel terrible for being such a selfish person...
And it all comes back to the fact you'd give away the stuff you bought with your inheritance money (stuff that you see people on Twitter bitching that they didn't get these things for Christmas which makes you see red you're so frustrated) for just one more hour to spend with your gramma.
Because you can't spend one last Christmas with her.
I have no idea why I wrote all that in that 'you' POV, it just came out that way. I guess just. Trying to distance myself from the emotions it brought up... It possibly didn't make sense - I think I changed tenses & made other errors but I'm too tired and drained to fix it.
Next Christmas will hopefully be better... Time helps and it's only been a couple of months after all. I knew it would be hard but I had no idea it would be this hard. No matter how well I thought I was prepared; I wasn't.
I have to go to Weight Watchers tomorrow and I really don't want to. I know I probably gained five pounds this week which would mean I've gained over half of the weight I've lost in the past year since she passed. Meh.
In happier news (really this is happier) My mom is feeling better physically. She's still tired a lot but she's much healthier than she was before she was in the hospital. It freaks me out to realize if I hadn't have gone over & saw her and then called the paramedics that she may not be alive right now. I get chills...
And I've taken up beading with a vengeance, my friends. I'm actually starting to get better, though really looking at some of the stuff I did six months ago I couldn't get much worse. LOL I've been experimenting with wire wrap which is a bit tricky because my eyesight isn't the greatest (I'm getting old - gasp!) and I'm all thumbs but I am determined to master it. It's pretty fun, actually. My mom is telling me to get an Esty site and I'm considering it. Those of you who have one do you have any recommendations? I need to get some displays so I can take proper photographs so that I already kind of know but any other recommendations? I have no idea what I'm doing ... lol.
I guess I'm done updating. One of these days I'll do an actual to God fannish entry ... I KNOW you're all just waiting for that, aren't you? Heh. ;-)