Jun 27, 2007 05:58
...just when I thought everything was fine...
I love when everything comes crashing down on your head all at once and all you want to do is lay in the fetal position and throw up and cry. There are things about me that I guess can't be understood by anyone else. I want to be happy, DAMNIT I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY. Consistently. Is this not in the cards for me? I want to know NOW so I don't continue to build my hopes up only to have them crushed. Is it so hard to trust? I guess it is. It is for me. My art can't save me, pretending can't save me. What do I have to go on? My own inner strength? Maybe I'm just a great big coward. Maybe I put too much trust in people. Maybe I let others take advantage of me. Maybe I don't say what I really want to. Maybe I get walked on. Maybe I'm a softie and a pushover. Maybe I'm a fucking stupid girl.
One thing is for sure, but I know that nothing I can possibly say will prove it. So I guess that knowledge is mine and all mine to cherish. I think I will find the romance one-sided. And you know, I don't care if I'm cryptic. I think you know what I'm talking about. Someone else didn't change my mind, I changed my mind, I changed my view on life, I changed into someone more independent. No one else helped me along, and that is that. Just me. Look at me, I'm a rock. I'm my own strength. I don't need to fall into someone else's arms to know that I'm worth something. Maybe I learned that lesson while I was away. Am I so soft that that's unbelievable? Isn't that what you wanted? Isn't that what I wanted?
It's bittersweet.