A spade's a spade
I like a good relationship as much as the next person and I seem to be in one now, but sometimes things happen in relationships that really drive me nuts. For instance, tonight I get an e-mail from my "boyfriend" saying that he was bothered by a comment I made on the phone yesterday. Well, we had 4 conversations and I'm pretty much at a loss for which comment it might be.I mean shit, we all know me, sometimes I'm a bit brazen. This is the kind of shit that causes me unrest. I'm a problem solver. I hate when things sit to fester and rot or are exposed like live wires, just waiting to be touched. I'm all about simplicity, nipping things in the bud and moving on. I hate glitches, and stops and bumps and lack of communication. He said he did not broach the subject sooner because he was not sure how to proceed with delicacy. Perhaps he doesn't know me that well since we've only been together a little over a month, but delicacy is not that important to me (as some of you may know). I'd rather get the shit out of the bag and let it air out. No pussy-footin or bush-beating (why do those things sound so sexually negative? or sexual at all, damn vagina nicknames). Anyway, I just don't understand, to me life could be so simple if people said what they want to, fucking put it in your face like Brian Klug does. I remember once Pat Malley talking about all of us as friends and he said something along the lines of "I love my friends because they call me out." I can be vulnerable and fragile sometimes, the truth hurts and sometimes makes me cry, but I love the people I love because they call me out, tell me when i'm acting like an idiot or an asshole. I may fixate on it and apologize profusely for it, but it makes an impact and it's more helpful than almost anything. All I have to say is, just fucking say it...if it's not in anger and it's in earnest, then say it. Don't make me guess or wonder or hope I didn't hurt your feelings, fuckin tell me I'm an ass.
This brings to mind a memory. One time, back in E.L. I was hanging out with Nitchsky and some other guys and apparently I felt these giggling bitches were encroaching on my territory. I started being a bit snide and maybe a little shitty and when they went in the other room Mike told me to back off and stop being a bitch. He told me I was only doing it because I was jealous cause they were pretty. I was taken back and probably almost cried, but it was probably a pretty true statement. I was probably feeling threatened and insecure and from that day forward I made sure that if i were going to be an asshole to any giggling bitches it would be because I truly thought they were only giggling bitches and not based on my own insecurities. To be honest, at this point in my life i rarely act shitty or make fun of anyone, I think it's a maturity thing, I've grown past projecting my insecurities on others. The point to the story is, that was a pretty harsh thing for Mike to say, but hell if it didn't make me evaluate myself and my actions. It changed me, for the better even though at the time it hurt like bullets. Fuckin say it.
This brings to mind a memory. One time, back in E.L. I was hanging out with Nitchsky and some other guys and apparently I felt these giggling bitches were encroaching on my territory. I started being a bit snide and maybe a little shitty and when they went in the other room Mike told me to back off and stop being a bitch. He told me I was only doing it because I was jealous cause they were pretty. I was taken back and probably almost cried, but it was probably a pretty true statement. I was probably feeling threatened and insecure and from that day forward I made sure that if i were going to be an asshole to any giggling bitches it would be because I truly thought they were only giggling bitches and not based on my own insecurities. To be honest, at this point in my life i rarely act shitty or make fun of anyone, I think it's a maturity thing, I've grown past projecting my insecurities on others. The point to the story is, that was a pretty harsh thing for Mike to say, but hell if it didn't make me evaluate myself and my actions. It changed me, for the better even though at the time it hurt like bullets. Fuckin say it.