So. Life
Life is kinda sucking right now, which is sad because I'm used to basically loving life all the time and rolling with the punches.
But honestly, the stress is starting to get to me, and I hate that. Not to be melodramatic, but I feel like I have this long, dark tunnel stretching out ahead of me and I don't really see the light at the end.
On Sunday, I had a meltdown. I know it was mostly hormone-related, but in that way that I could no longer control my emotions because of the hormones, not that the stress that precipitated it was magnified by the hormones. If that makes sense.
I've realized that I just can't do the things I want to do, and the things I HAVE to do, at the same time. So the things I have to do kinda have to win out.
Right now my commitments are many.
I run three times a week, and two of those days basically destroys any ability for me to do anything else. I get home tired, and on Mondays I'm usually not home until after 9:00. Wednesdays are better, but after leaving work early, fighting traffic, getting changed, fighting traffic, sweating my ass off, fighting traffic, eating dinner...I don't usually have enough energy to do anything that requires thought. Sometimes I can do a bit of writing, but lately I've felt more like using the evening to catch up on the backlog of anime that we're watching.
(OMG Devil May Cry)
I have a full-time, stressful job with an hour's commute. I have a university course I need to work on, which is NOT easy, and requires a lot of reading and writing. If I don't get a good grade in it, I'll have to pretend I never took it or it could shaft my ability to get into law school.
Speaking of which, I MUST apply to law school (MANY law schools) before November 1st, and hopefully LONG before then, so I can have some chance of getting in before the flood of applications. I have some rather ambitious cosplay projects on the go, one of which I want to get done before the con in town in August, and the other needs to be done before Yaoicon. And I write. A lot. Somewhere on the distant horizon sits NaNoWriMo, looming.
Basically I've had to make the decision that writing and cosplay has to sit on the backburner until I get my course done and have finished applying to law school. Thankfully that will happen before NaNoWriMo, but I'm really missing writing every day. Really a LOT. But if I write, I'm not doing the other stuff, and I have to do that stuff FIRST. But if I do, I usually don't have time or brain to write much if at all.
caelumi suggested I write in the mornings, but at this point I'm cramming so much "should" into my day, I feel like I'm going to explode. I need some time in my life to just sit and drink my coffee, or catch up on LJ and just relax and not work my brain, not be scrambling to try to do this and that, even if it's things I enjoy. If I feel like writing in the morning (I did this morning) that's great, but if I'm not feeling inspired...I just can't force myself to work through that struggle every morning right now, especially when I'm feeling exhausted half the time, so I can't get up early, and I usually have about half an hour to myself in the mornings, at most.
And it seems that after the months of work that Miko's been going through, not working to make money because a carrot was held out in front of her that she could get funding to pay for her tuition, but if she worked to try to save money just in case she was rejected she'd be ineligible for the funding - after all that, she was rejected in 24 hours. They didn't even consider accepting her.
The person who's been advising her through this has held up another carrot, and I highly, HIGHLY distrust it. But at this point, what can we do? There's only a month before school starts, and we need to either have funding approved, or come up with $8500 by August 22, or Miko doesn't go to school in the fall. She has to go for it, because even if she somehow found someone to pay her really good money for a month, what then? We can probably probably liquidate every bit of savings to pay for the tuition, but that leaves no cushion for the year. It means we'll be living entirely on my income, because Miko won't be able to work during school because of her insane schedule.
I just...I don't know what to do, and I don't have the space to deal with it either, because of everything on my own plate. I can't work more. I can't take a second job or something. I'd never get together enough time to do the things I need to do for ME. And law school has to take priority.
And I can't make Miko go back to office work. I just CAN'T. She's so much happier and healthier now.
Anyway, that's how I'm doing right now.
But honestly, the stress is starting to get to me, and I hate that. Not to be melodramatic, but I feel like I have this long, dark tunnel stretching out ahead of me and I don't really see the light at the end.
On Sunday, I had a meltdown. I know it was mostly hormone-related, but in that way that I could no longer control my emotions because of the hormones, not that the stress that precipitated it was magnified by the hormones. If that makes sense.
I've realized that I just can't do the things I want to do, and the things I HAVE to do, at the same time. So the things I have to do kinda have to win out.
Right now my commitments are many.
I run three times a week, and two of those days basically destroys any ability for me to do anything else. I get home tired, and on Mondays I'm usually not home until after 9:00. Wednesdays are better, but after leaving work early, fighting traffic, getting changed, fighting traffic, sweating my ass off, fighting traffic, eating dinner...I don't usually have enough energy to do anything that requires thought. Sometimes I can do a bit of writing, but lately I've felt more like using the evening to catch up on the backlog of anime that we're watching.
(OMG Devil May Cry)
I have a full-time, stressful job with an hour's commute. I have a university course I need to work on, which is NOT easy, and requires a lot of reading and writing. If I don't get a good grade in it, I'll have to pretend I never took it or it could shaft my ability to get into law school.
Speaking of which, I MUST apply to law school (MANY law schools) before November 1st, and hopefully LONG before then, so I can have some chance of getting in before the flood of applications. I have some rather ambitious cosplay projects on the go, one of which I want to get done before the con in town in August, and the other needs to be done before Yaoicon. And I write. A lot. Somewhere on the distant horizon sits NaNoWriMo, looming.
Basically I've had to make the decision that writing and cosplay has to sit on the backburner until I get my course done and have finished applying to law school. Thankfully that will happen before NaNoWriMo, but I'm really missing writing every day. Really a LOT. But if I write, I'm not doing the other stuff, and I have to do that stuff FIRST. But if I do, I usually don't have time or brain to write much if at all.
caelumi suggested I write in the mornings, but at this point I'm cramming so much "should" into my day, I feel like I'm going to explode. I need some time in my life to just sit and drink my coffee, or catch up on LJ and just relax and not work my brain, not be scrambling to try to do this and that, even if it's things I enjoy. If I feel like writing in the morning (I did this morning) that's great, but if I'm not feeling inspired...I just can't force myself to work through that struggle every morning right now, especially when I'm feeling exhausted half the time, so I can't get up early, and I usually have about half an hour to myself in the mornings, at most.
And it seems that after the months of work that Miko's been going through, not working to make money because a carrot was held out in front of her that she could get funding to pay for her tuition, but if she worked to try to save money just in case she was rejected she'd be ineligible for the funding - after all that, she was rejected in 24 hours. They didn't even consider accepting her.
The person who's been advising her through this has held up another carrot, and I highly, HIGHLY distrust it. But at this point, what can we do? There's only a month before school starts, and we need to either have funding approved, or come up with $8500 by August 22, or Miko doesn't go to school in the fall. She has to go for it, because even if she somehow found someone to pay her really good money for a month, what then? We can probably probably liquidate every bit of savings to pay for the tuition, but that leaves no cushion for the year. It means we'll be living entirely on my income, because Miko won't be able to work during school because of her insane schedule.
I just...I don't know what to do, and I don't have the space to deal with it either, because of everything on my own plate. I can't work more. I can't take a second job or something. I'd never get together enough time to do the things I need to do for ME. And law school has to take priority.
And I can't make Miko go back to office work. I just CAN'T. She's so much happier and healthier now.
Anyway, that's how I'm doing right now.