Inside my mind I sit and wonder.....
People are always saying "nigga please," but never "nigga thank you," or "nigga you're welcome."
---
Waterslides kick ass. There isn't anything that can't be improved by adding a waterslide, including dentist offices. "Jimmy, do you want to go to them dentist?" "The one with the waterslide? Hell yeah, mom!"
--
There is a Dave Matthews Conspiracy. It is simply that a decent amount of music released today, mostly of acoustic guitar, is actually released under aliases of the Dave Matthews Band, or just Dave Matthews.
There is no...
Jack Johnson, there is only Dave Matthews Band playing just an acoustic guitar, bass, and snare drum... sometimes less.
John Mayer, there is only Dave Matthews releasing a Jack Johnson song with more than three instruments.
Mason Jennings, there is only Dave Matthews recovering from a sore throat.
Howie Day, there is only Dave Matthews trying really hard to keep from crying.
Steve Burns, there is only Dave Matthews using really weird computer-generated static sounds.
Barenaked Ladies, there is only Dave Matthews playing the occasional electric guitar and pretending to be Canadian.
Chris Gaines, there is only Dave Matthews pretending to be Garth Brooks pretending to rawk out.
Toby Keith, there is only Dave Matthews expressing his love for God and America.
Michelle Branch, there is only Dave Matthews playing the piano and singing with a female voice filter.
Damien Rice, there is only Dave Matthews expressing his deep-down love for eskimos.
Jason Mraz, there is only Dave Matthews seeing what it's like to completely fall from the face of the Earth.
Maroon 5, there is only Dave Matthews trying to get one really stubborn chick to sleep with him.
---
Today on the ride home from school I saw a billboard advertising a 49 cent hamburger at a local steakhouse chain. I don't think that's something you want to advertise, or even have on the menu. I can't get a hamburger at school for less than a dollar. And this was a pretty simple burger. Bun, patty, ketchup. But still, 49 cents? There's a thought process that goes through my mind when I hear about 49 cent hamburgers, and it isn't "49 cents for a hamburger? That's tasty AND affordable!" It's actual more along the lines of "49 cents for a hamburger? That's affordable!"
---
I don't watch a lot of movies, but when I do I have to stick around and watch the credits. In every movie they have a section for "Special Thanks" where they throw in everyone who didn't fit into any of the other credits. But it's already so easy to get into the actual credits that if you bring the key gaffer's assitant his coffee one morning, you get your own credit, under "Gaffer's Assistant Coffee Bringer." So what trivial thing do you have to do to be relegated to the special thanks? I think if you're walking down the street, and you see the director, and you say "excuse me" as you brush up against him, you'll get thrown in under the "special thanks" for your moral support.
You have to have a good memory to remember all thsoe people who did small things for you, cause there's always at least 8,000 names listed. I could never reach that amount. So under "special thanks" in my movie it would just say "probably you."
---
Sometimes I'll just be sitting around, or getting ready to go to sleep, and all of a sudden I'll really want a taco. But I never have stuff to make them, and the nearest taco place is 30 minutes away. Because of this I live in constant fear. At any moment I could start wanting a taco, with little chance of me actually being able to get one.
---
There is a philosphy that states that if something is out of sight, if you can't hear it, basically if you don't know it's there; it doesn't exist. Which I think is true, because if you ask a blind person if they like mimes, they'll just give you a confused look.
---
My natural reaction to meeting someone who's anti-gay is to tell them that I'm gay. I find that this causes them to rethink their bigoted mindset a little bit more often than it does get my ass kicked, and a lot more often than it does get me hit on.
---
I saw the other day a television prgram entitled "Sit and be Fit." The concept of this program is that old people aren't physically active enough, so to get into shape, they sit in a chair and move their amrs in various directions, basically slow-motion flailing. Arm muscles are concentrated on because they are the primary limb involved in grandchild hugging.
---
There's a subtle finality to death. Actually, I guess it's not that subtle at all.
---
You know what translates real well to writing? Sarcasm.
---
I would like to host a game show called "Does This Make Me a Bad Person?" where people come on stage and tell us the things we've done, and then a planel of judges decides either "no, that doesn't make you a bad person," or "yes, that does make you a bad person." The prize in this game show is simply knowing.
---
Why do they play good songs at funerals? Why don't they play songs like Rico Suave, or the Macarena? You know, songs that are already ruined for me.
---
One thing I love about comedy is that if I tell a joke and it bombs, I can say "Oh, they just didn't get it, they don't understand what I'm going for." It's the only job where if I screw up, it's your fault. That doesn't happen in any other profession. Like if you're a cop, and you a botch a hostage negotiation and eighteen people are killed. You can't say "Oh, they didn't get what I was going for. I thought telling them 'fine, kill the hostages, see if we care,' was cutting egde and new. People just don't appreciate smart hostage negotiating."
---
If you ever get into a fight, I think the perfect threat would be "I'm going to punch you right into next tuesday, where my future will be waiting to punch you back into three seconds before I first punched you, creating a neverending continuum where I just beat your ass until the end of time."
---
When people think you're funny, you might ask someone an honest question, and they'll laugh and say "that's clever." That's when you know you just asked a really stupid question.
---
When I go to K-Mart, I see amish people there, and it makes me wonder, what do they do when they get to the electric door?
---
Waterslides kick ass. There isn't anything that can't be improved by adding a waterslide, including dentist offices. "Jimmy, do you want to go to them dentist?" "The one with the waterslide? Hell yeah, mom!"
--
There is a Dave Matthews Conspiracy. It is simply that a decent amount of music released today, mostly of acoustic guitar, is actually released under aliases of the Dave Matthews Band, or just Dave Matthews.
There is no...
Jack Johnson, there is only Dave Matthews Band playing just an acoustic guitar, bass, and snare drum... sometimes less.
John Mayer, there is only Dave Matthews releasing a Jack Johnson song with more than three instruments.
Mason Jennings, there is only Dave Matthews recovering from a sore throat.
Howie Day, there is only Dave Matthews trying really hard to keep from crying.
Steve Burns, there is only Dave Matthews using really weird computer-generated static sounds.
Barenaked Ladies, there is only Dave Matthews playing the occasional electric guitar and pretending to be Canadian.
Chris Gaines, there is only Dave Matthews pretending to be Garth Brooks pretending to rawk out.
Toby Keith, there is only Dave Matthews expressing his love for God and America.
Michelle Branch, there is only Dave Matthews playing the piano and singing with a female voice filter.
Damien Rice, there is only Dave Matthews expressing his deep-down love for eskimos.
Jason Mraz, there is only Dave Matthews seeing what it's like to completely fall from the face of the Earth.
Maroon 5, there is only Dave Matthews trying to get one really stubborn chick to sleep with him.
---
Today on the ride home from school I saw a billboard advertising a 49 cent hamburger at a local steakhouse chain. I don't think that's something you want to advertise, or even have on the menu. I can't get a hamburger at school for less than a dollar. And this was a pretty simple burger. Bun, patty, ketchup. But still, 49 cents? There's a thought process that goes through my mind when I hear about 49 cent hamburgers, and it isn't "49 cents for a hamburger? That's tasty AND affordable!" It's actual more along the lines of "49 cents for a hamburger? That's affordable!"
---
I don't watch a lot of movies, but when I do I have to stick around and watch the credits. In every movie they have a section for "Special Thanks" where they throw in everyone who didn't fit into any of the other credits. But it's already so easy to get into the actual credits that if you bring the key gaffer's assitant his coffee one morning, you get your own credit, under "Gaffer's Assistant Coffee Bringer." So what trivial thing do you have to do to be relegated to the special thanks? I think if you're walking down the street, and you see the director, and you say "excuse me" as you brush up against him, you'll get thrown in under the "special thanks" for your moral support.
You have to have a good memory to remember all thsoe people who did small things for you, cause there's always at least 8,000 names listed. I could never reach that amount. So under "special thanks" in my movie it would just say "probably you."
---
Sometimes I'll just be sitting around, or getting ready to go to sleep, and all of a sudden I'll really want a taco. But I never have stuff to make them, and the nearest taco place is 30 minutes away. Because of this I live in constant fear. At any moment I could start wanting a taco, with little chance of me actually being able to get one.
---
There is a philosphy that states that if something is out of sight, if you can't hear it, basically if you don't know it's there; it doesn't exist. Which I think is true, because if you ask a blind person if they like mimes, they'll just give you a confused look.
---
My natural reaction to meeting someone who's anti-gay is to tell them that I'm gay. I find that this causes them to rethink their bigoted mindset a little bit more often than it does get my ass kicked, and a lot more often than it does get me hit on.
---
I saw the other day a television prgram entitled "Sit and be Fit." The concept of this program is that old people aren't physically active enough, so to get into shape, they sit in a chair and move their amrs in various directions, basically slow-motion flailing. Arm muscles are concentrated on because they are the primary limb involved in grandchild hugging.
---
There's a subtle finality to death. Actually, I guess it's not that subtle at all.
---
You know what translates real well to writing? Sarcasm.
---
I would like to host a game show called "Does This Make Me a Bad Person?" where people come on stage and tell us the things we've done, and then a planel of judges decides either "no, that doesn't make you a bad person," or "yes, that does make you a bad person." The prize in this game show is simply knowing.
---
Why do they play good songs at funerals? Why don't they play songs like Rico Suave, or the Macarena? You know, songs that are already ruined for me.
---
One thing I love about comedy is that if I tell a joke and it bombs, I can say "Oh, they just didn't get it, they don't understand what I'm going for." It's the only job where if I screw up, it's your fault. That doesn't happen in any other profession. Like if you're a cop, and you a botch a hostage negotiation and eighteen people are killed. You can't say "Oh, they didn't get what I was going for. I thought telling them 'fine, kill the hostages, see if we care,' was cutting egde and new. People just don't appreciate smart hostage negotiating."
---
If you ever get into a fight, I think the perfect threat would be "I'm going to punch you right into next tuesday, where my future will be waiting to punch you back into three seconds before I first punched you, creating a neverending continuum where I just beat your ass until the end of time."
---
When people think you're funny, you might ask someone an honest question, and they'll laugh and say "that's clever." That's when you know you just asked a really stupid question.
---
When I go to K-Mart, I see amish people there, and it makes me wonder, what do they do when they get to the electric door?