Tired
I'm tired of the cycle. I go from highs to lows in a matter of hours when I'm home. And what's worse is the lows are always much deeper and longer than the highs. The highs come from things like watching a movie I like, or eating at my favorite restaurant, or shopping, or tanning, or reading a good book, or having a good conversation (almost always over the phone with someone who isn't here), or taking a drive and listening to music. My lows are stemmed from things like realizing that my accomplishments aren't that significant, not understanding my problems, missing my friends, being upset with my parents empty promises, feeling very out of place, and not having a clear direction in life. Basically - my highs are just temporary escapes from my lows, it is my lows that make up my life. This I find terribly depressing.
So what can I do about it? I'm not sure. Some days I think I'm doing everything I can. The fact that I even still have highs and can feel good from time to time I see as a good sign. There are days that I'm like, "yea, so far I've done everything I can. I haven't broken down, I haven't run away from it all, I'm still moving forward, and I'm still trying to fix it all - it just takes time." But then there are the moments where I'm thinking, "that's bullshit. If I was really trying I'd see some results, I'd feel better more often, I'd have permanent good things to hold on to, I'd have SOMETHING to show for my efforts." I don't know which way of thinking is right. Guess it's time for a list...
Reasons why I'm making progress...
1. I sat down and talked to my mom when I decided to stay home this summer and we went over some basic things about where I am and why and where I want all of this to go. I started out on the right foot.
2. I've avoided fights with my family. There have been a few times, perhaps they've noticed, perhaps they haven't, where I've wanted to fight my side, or just scream out in frustration - but I've kept my cool.
3. I'm getting back with my friends from before. Today I spent the day with Sara and we had a wonderful time. She is someone who actually understands what it's like to have everything fall apart - I need someone like that. Gayle and I went to lunch the other day. Erika and I have hung out a few times. Chels and Lindz have wanted to get together, but it hasn't worked out with our work schedules. Sara (different one), Greg, John, Mary, and Tara asked me to go with them to the Dave concert (and ask me to go out bar hopping with them like every night, but I'm making a conscious effort not to drink because it would fuck things up with my parents). Mikey is coming home soon. This is all very important to me because I feel very alone here although I am with my family all the time.
4. I'm planning the future. I'm applying to Pitt tomorrow (have to finish this awful essay tonight). I'm apartment/house hunting with Sara and whoever else decides to live with us. I'm probably going to take a yoga class over the summer though CCAC. I'm looking for another job. I need some changes and I'm working on getting these things underway.
Reasons why I'm not making progress...
1. Although I spend time with people outside of my house I still feel very out of place and alone. I feel like I don't have a Mareena here (someone to chill with and do nothing). I feel like I don't have a Flick here (someone to just goof off with). I feel like I don't have a lil' Witt here (someone to talk about serious issues with). I feel like I don't have a support system of girlfriends that every 21-year-old female needs, even on good days.
2. The communication lines with my family still suck. Actually they don't suck - they're basically non-existent. A good day for us is a good day because we avoid our problems. This happens because my problems are not their problems - so that means it's up to me to bring it up and deal with it. This sucks because they're not that understanding and they just think I'm bitching and they get upset.
3. My life is still consisted mainly of lows. I don't know if this is my fault or if there is just nothing I can do about it at this point, that the baby steps I'm taking are all I can take.
4. I'm being lazy. I guess that's the solution to all of my problems. Instead of going out and doing something with all my extra time I take a nap. I need to take up a hobby or find something to distract me. I'm just not passionate enough about anything to be distracted by it.
I will work on these things. Chels called, I'll finish this update later...
So what can I do about it? I'm not sure. Some days I think I'm doing everything I can. The fact that I even still have highs and can feel good from time to time I see as a good sign. There are days that I'm like, "yea, so far I've done everything I can. I haven't broken down, I haven't run away from it all, I'm still moving forward, and I'm still trying to fix it all - it just takes time." But then there are the moments where I'm thinking, "that's bullshit. If I was really trying I'd see some results, I'd feel better more often, I'd have permanent good things to hold on to, I'd have SOMETHING to show for my efforts." I don't know which way of thinking is right. Guess it's time for a list...
Reasons why I'm making progress...
1. I sat down and talked to my mom when I decided to stay home this summer and we went over some basic things about where I am and why and where I want all of this to go. I started out on the right foot.
2. I've avoided fights with my family. There have been a few times, perhaps they've noticed, perhaps they haven't, where I've wanted to fight my side, or just scream out in frustration - but I've kept my cool.
3. I'm getting back with my friends from before. Today I spent the day with Sara and we had a wonderful time. She is someone who actually understands what it's like to have everything fall apart - I need someone like that. Gayle and I went to lunch the other day. Erika and I have hung out a few times. Chels and Lindz have wanted to get together, but it hasn't worked out with our work schedules. Sara (different one), Greg, John, Mary, and Tara asked me to go with them to the Dave concert (and ask me to go out bar hopping with them like every night, but I'm making a conscious effort not to drink because it would fuck things up with my parents). Mikey is coming home soon. This is all very important to me because I feel very alone here although I am with my family all the time.
4. I'm planning the future. I'm applying to Pitt tomorrow (have to finish this awful essay tonight). I'm apartment/house hunting with Sara and whoever else decides to live with us. I'm probably going to take a yoga class over the summer though CCAC. I'm looking for another job. I need some changes and I'm working on getting these things underway.
Reasons why I'm not making progress...
1. Although I spend time with people outside of my house I still feel very out of place and alone. I feel like I don't have a Mareena here (someone to chill with and do nothing). I feel like I don't have a Flick here (someone to just goof off with). I feel like I don't have a lil' Witt here (someone to talk about serious issues with). I feel like I don't have a support system of girlfriends that every 21-year-old female needs, even on good days.
2. The communication lines with my family still suck. Actually they don't suck - they're basically non-existent. A good day for us is a good day because we avoid our problems. This happens because my problems are not their problems - so that means it's up to me to bring it up and deal with it. This sucks because they're not that understanding and they just think I'm bitching and they get upset.
3. My life is still consisted mainly of lows. I don't know if this is my fault or if there is just nothing I can do about it at this point, that the baby steps I'm taking are all I can take.
4. I'm being lazy. I guess that's the solution to all of my problems. Instead of going out and doing something with all my extra time I take a nap. I need to take up a hobby or find something to distract me. I'm just not passionate enough about anything to be distracted by it.
I will work on these things. Chels called, I'll finish this update later...