why do I keep doing this to myself????

[chicagorda13]

A phone call? Really? A fucking phone call. I guess it’s no better than my drunken angry texts at 6am, but wow. It was like having a phone interview with someone you slept with and then them telling you that there isn’t currently a position available, but they “had fun with you”. I don’t really know how to describe the feeling of loneliness that comes after things like this. You know, the feeling of being lonely and still wanting to just be alone. It’s strange, because in all reality, I knew there was nothing to come from that. I wish somebody would just figure out how to separate a strictly physical relationship from an emotional one already. Then maybe I wouldn’t drive myself so crazy all the time. After all, I take care of myself financially, so it’s not like I really need a man other than for that and maybe some cuddling so I don’t feel like I’m being totally used. The worst part is when you still have to see them around. Things become extra polite, formal, and awkward. Then I suddenly become jealous of every person they talk to, like I have some right to be that way. Maybe I’m completely insane.
I just don’t know why I continue to do this to myself. I repeatedly make decisions like these and I just drive myself crazy. I hate being this way. Sometimes I just feel so stuck inside my head. It makes me feel so trapped. I convince myself that things that I want to be real are real somehow, even when they just aren’t real at all. I deserve so much better than the crap I put myself through. I want to blame everyone but myself, but I need to step back and analyze the situation better. The worst part about getting that phone call today is that I didn’t even make that guy try. I have issues.