MARTINI EAT YOUR HEART OUT!
Anyway, today was strange. We had the dress rehearsal for Doug's mass. If that's what you even call it. I had to remind myself of why I was there, because sometimes you forget that people you don't like will be there too and not just old friends. I am sure the wake will be like that, too. That's such a "Union" way to think. I probably wouldn't even have a thought like that enter my mind if I didn't go to high school there, but alas, it's the CURSE. I felt sad to see some people knowing the pain they are in, more so than I, because they were still in contact with him daily or weekly or monthly. Surprised some people showed up and surprised others didn't. Surprised even some of my friends didn't, but if you don't feel like singing during a time like this, you can't force someone. Everyone deals in their own way. There was a moment where Kenz was making fun of Christina and I turned around and laughed and Christina was like "What?" and for a moment I was 17 again. It was cute and then I got sad because it made me realize just how long it had been since I had really seen Doug on that kind of daily basis. Here I am, almost 26. My favorite number. (No, really it is) But still, old. But everyone else is old now, too. Some older. And in the back of my head, I'm like "GOD, I'm a freaking hippo now!" Like I don't want anyone to see "me". So, something unexpected happens and I go back to high school mode like some moron-head. Like I would like to think that since this is a somber meeting that people wouldn't talk shit, but they totally do. It's Union, you wipe one tear from your eye with one hand and conceal a laugh with the other hand. I can't say everyone was looking hot, but no one was as fat an ass as me. Now I am all paranoid, but I think I am subliminally using this as an excuse to not want to deal with the sadness to come. Like "OK, think about this" and you won't have to "think about this". I am not looking forward to burying Doug. It's not real to me yet. I don't want it to be real yet. Nothing I can do. Nothing TO do.
So, PS, now I am sad that I am not going next semester (unless a miracle happens) because Karina said they are doing tryouts for skits for Director's Workshop and a lot of times people suck so bad and make it and THIS time, there are a LOT of directors! So, NOW, I am thinking that maybe I could have made THAT at least and been able to do something extracurricular to feel more like a person again. Karina said it wouldn't be as theater major competitive, which I can't compete with because it's not my career.. it's just my side love-thing. And that some people there might actually cast me because they don't hate me. But it's hard to cast a fat girl. The fat girl never looks right as the heroine or the starlet or something like that. She's always the "old lady" or the "lunatic" or the "funny person". You never see a plumpster shakin' her hips as a slave girl. It just never happens. Which is why I want to write "FAT: The Musical" where all parts will be for fatties including the leads (who fall in love) and the fat ass villain. I think that would be entertaining and at least let some fatties act, sing or something before we all suffer heart attacks from lack of action! Morbid,but true! Well, I am tired so goodnight and more updates soon.
So, PS, now I am sad that I am not going next semester (unless a miracle happens) because Karina said they are doing tryouts for skits for Director's Workshop and a lot of times people suck so bad and make it and THIS time, there are a LOT of directors! So, NOW, I am thinking that maybe I could have made THAT at least and been able to do something extracurricular to feel more like a person again. Karina said it wouldn't be as theater major competitive, which I can't compete with because it's not my career.. it's just my side love-thing. And that some people there might actually cast me because they don't hate me. But it's hard to cast a fat girl. The fat girl never looks right as the heroine or the starlet or something like that. She's always the "old lady" or the "lunatic" or the "funny person". You never see a plumpster shakin' her hips as a slave girl. It just never happens. Which is why I want to write "FAT: The Musical" where all parts will be for fatties including the leads (who fall in love) and the fat ass villain. I think that would be entertaining and at least let some fatties act, sing or something before we all suffer heart attacks from lack of action! Morbid,but true! Well, I am tired so goodnight and more updates soon.