Funny quotes!
I have compiled a list of the most hilarious quotes from my facebook profile. The most common people mentioned are my bff, my parents, my brother, my sister, me and my sister's roommate.... and a few random coworkers. No, not all the coworkers are the same, lol. I did a quick find/replace for the names, just to keep some stuff less obvious, but if I missed one, lemme know.
I hope these give someone a laugh!
:)
Brother: "Your hair looks like it's bleeding!"
Brother: "You look like a fruitfly!" (referring to my friend’s sunglasses)
Coworker: "Okay Charlie," (while climbing up the ladder) "Pick up the phone, press 9-1------- and WAIT."
Coworker: "Well, I'm off to my cave."
Me: "Are there any monsters in your cave?"
Coworker: "Just me!"
Me: "Is he gonna sleep with her?"
BFF: " 'Strong Sexuality', remember?"
Me: "Well maybe that was the boobs."
"Maybe you should ask her out. She gets into movies free, so it'll be cheap!"
(horrified) "You want me to USE her???"
BFF: "He's not scary, he's an orange with fangs."
BFF: "Dear tv. Change your own damn colors."
BFF: "It's a pretty house."
Me: "Yeah, pretty evil!"
BFF: "What goes up must come down."
Me: "Not if you have enough viagra!"
blualbino: "My gooey center craves your approval. Did that make sense?"
Me: "Uh, no."
blualbino: Okay, so, I watch too much scrubs and there's this ditzy psychologist who says that people are chocolates, hard on the outside but they have a gooey center. I assume my goooey center is my heart, and my heart likes you. So. *facepalm*
Andromeda26: my friend knows jack squat about hockey, but he's always on when i'm listening to games so i provide excellent commentary along the lines of "fuck you, king hank", "how dare you not be your brother, marc staal", "Seabs, ILU", "Hoss, ILU more", and "For the love of god and all that is holy, letang, would you please get a goddamned haircut"
Me: *dead of laugher*
Andromeda26: You know you talk a bit too much about hockey when your completely uninterested in hockey friend points at a group of identical looking cartoon characters and exclaims, "Holy shit, it's the Staal clones!"
Andromeda26: Seriously, my grandmother was off in a corner going "Isn't Crosby a good looking boy?" and my response was basically "Nrg, distracted by the hot French-Canadian." (Letang)
My friend: (On St. Patrick's Day) There's 4 drunk kids walking behind me right now acting like assholes lol. I've heard of Irish pride but it's a tad early...
deviouskirin: At the end of the world, I want 20 Spartans, 50 Recon Marines, Iron Man, Batman, Gibbs, The Losers, and the A-Team at my back.
BFF: Dear Jeremy Renner, please continue to make your quotient of at least two movies a year so my obsess- I mean appreciation for you can be adequately fulfilled. Failure to meet these deman- I mean requests will result in severe ravagi- I mean punishment. That is all.
Andromeda26: “Oh no, FEELINGS!”
(Sister’s boyfriend walks into the bathroom, but doesn’t turn off the light or close the door.)
Brother (in a creepy tone): “Sister’s boyfriend, what are you doing?”
Sister’s boyfriend: “Would you like to come join me and find out?”
Me: “Sister, what’s something that pisses me of?”
Sister: “Stupid people.”
Me: “No, something more specific.”
Sister: “…. Really stupid people?”
Me: “Okay you gotta go now, Sister’s boyfriend, you and Sister are giving me cavities.”
Me: “I just got called DELIGHTFUL. Seriously? Me?”
(Ad on the radio as me and Sister are sitting in the car) “Beautiful right-hand rings for your lady….”
Sister: “But I want a left hand riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing!”
Brooke: “You make me happy, you beautiful orange-blonde Canadian.”
(Sister and Roommate2 are googling celebs and their marriages.)
Roommate2: “His hair’s too poofy.”
Sister: “Like Tim Thomas? Or Sidney Crawford?”
(Roommate2 makes a noise with the chip bag.)
Me (sarcastically): “Geez, Roommate2, we’re trying to watch a movie, here.”
(Roommate2 proceeds to purposely crumple the bag loudly). “Oh, I’m sorry. My bad.”
Sister: “What’s an OB-GYN?”
Me: “…. Something to do with babies?”
Me: “That’s mean.”
Sister: “You’re mean.”
Me: “Your face is mean.”
Sister: “Your mom is mean.”
Me: “I’m telling Mom you said that.”
Sister: “………………….”
Sister: “She looks like Neapolitan ice cream!”
Me: “I am drinking diet coke out of a martini glass. I rock.”
Roommate2: “Who’s playing?”
Sister: “The…. San Francisco… Mermaids.”
(Uncle’s comment on facebook: “What the heck is Sister watching? Water polo?”)
vamm_goda: “My knowledge of football starts and ends with ‘WHO IS THAT GUY? IS HE THE OTHER TEAM? TACKLE HIM’.”
(Sister is lying on the living room floor, tapping out an erratic rhythm with her finger.)
Me: “What are you doing?”
Sister: “Morse coding with the people in China.” (A few minutes go by, while she continues.) “They say hello.”
Mathematics Professor (in a very cheeky tone of voice): “I just don’t count very well.”
French Professor: “I like to eat chalk. Lots of fibre. And smell whiteboard markers.”
(Sign taped to a door in the Math building at the U of M): “I have youre phone, coolman.”
(Scribbled into a corner of said sign): “You’re in University, man, learn to spell.”
(Sister holds out a package of Sidekicks): “Does this mean you need to practice cooking?”
Me: “Baking, you jerk. In a year, I can make you a wedding cake!”
Sister: “Great! I’ll tell Boyfriend!”
(Me, Roommate2 and Sister watching The Iron Giant.)
Me: “How did that tiny little screw get all the way from Hogarth’s house to Iceland?”
Roommate2: “Maybe it rode a dolphin.”
“You may live in Canada if you know all four seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road construction.”
Me: “You know, Sister, you can’t believe everything you read on the internet.”
Sister’s boyfriend: “Why not? They went to all the trouble of writing it.”
Kittyfaelis: “The square root of ‘end of the semester’ is Italy!”
BFF: “Tell your boy thanks for the fantasy points…”
Dad: “Yeah, cause they talk regularly….”
Sister: “Hey, if we were in [hometown], we could just turn right here like dumb [hometown] drivers.”
Me: “But it says we can’t turn right, there.”
Sister: “That’s left, Charlie…..”
Roommate2: “It’s supposed to be -2 on Saturday.”
Sister (sarcastically): “Ooooh, it’s getting cold out!”
Roommate2: “Yeah, time to break out the thermal underwear!”
Me (writing on Sister’s facebook): “DO YOUR HOMEWORK AND STOP HUMMING OTHERWISE ROOMMATE2’S GOING TO GET MAD AND MORE OUT AND THEN ALL OF OUR FUNNY WILL BE GONE.”
(Me, Sister and Roommate2 are watching a hair product commercial.)
Sister: “Hey, isn’t that Heath Ledger?”
Me and Roommate2: “……….. Heath Ledger’s dead.”
Sister: “So then why does that look like him?”
(HALF AN HOUR LATER, same commercial.)
Roommate2: “Look Sister, it’s Heath Ledger!”
(Me and BFF were gonna watch a movie, put it into one of the five disc slots in my dvd player, and then got distracted and forgot about it.)
Me: “Which disc slot is it in, five?”
BFF: “I don’t know, we forgot to WATCH it, why would I remember what disc slot it’s in?”
Kevin Hart: “I saw this huge (muscular) guy at the gym, one of those guys with no neck, and I asked him, yo man, why you still here? You got ‘em all!”
Italian Professor: “Cristofolo Columbo was an idiot. In my opinion.”
Sister: “I’m not actually drunk, you know.”
Roommate2: “I know, you’re just weird.”
Me: “Someone just asked me what timezone I was in. I don’t actually know, so I just said ‘Chicago’.”
Mathematics Professor: “I don’t give a ………… care.”
(Me watching the Oilers/Canucks game.) “WHO CAN I NOT CHEER FOR LESS?”
(later)
Me: “I am watching a hockey game and someone scores and they are not playing Chelsea Dagger. SO I AM HUMMING IT ANYWAY.”
Sister: “I’m scared.”
Me: “Why?”
Roommate2: “The curtains are moving. But we turned the air off.”
(Sister looks around.)
Me: “You guys, the FAN IS ON.”
Andromeda26: “My friend is telling me I can’t fire all the Pens.”
(My bus driver on the way to school, like a tour guide): “And here we have the stadium, where the Bombers AND the Bisons are undefeated!”
Mathematics Professor: “Let’s make a hundred woodies!”
Class: “……………”
My Italian prof says the most hilarious things. “Mr. God,” “I’m sorry, I love you,” to students he picks on, and then since he doesn’t know names yet, I am “hat girl”, and there’s “Russian guy,” “Mexicana,” and “Sandra”, whose real name is Kendra but there’s no ‘k’ in Italian so he took the liberty of changing her name for her.
Roommate2: “We could watch TV on the pony!”
Me: “It’s the little fast-track that could!”
5 year old cousin: “I’m going to snuggle this big pink bear, okay?”
Me: “That’s a pig.”
Cousin: “…..Oh.”
Coworker: “She’s using words, but I don’t understand what they are!!!”
(Me and BFF watching Jeopardy.)
Me: “Don’t pet the alligator!”
BFF: “No, it’s ‘walking the red carpet’!”
BFF: “Don’t let my anti-tallness confuse my excess of scrappiness!”
Mom: “What is the capital of China?”
Brother: “I couldn’t decide between Shanghai and Beijing, so I wrote Shang Bang!”
Andromeda26: “I loved its entire existence like a thing that loves something a lot.”
BFF: “Floaties FTW!”
Me: “I forgot a ponytail holder, so now I have eleven very strategically placed bobby pins in my hair.”
Me (staring forlornly): “Why doesn’t the straw go all the way down to the bottom of the cup?”
BFF: “I just stopped drinking mine….”
BFF: “And we’re both such people people!”
Me: “Mom, I have a new favourite song.”
Mom: “Charlie, SONGS are your favourite.”
“Why spiders? Why couldn’t it be follow the butterflies?”
Simone: “Déjà vu. It’s Chinese.”
Me: “Um…. No Simone. Try French.”
(from a mad lib me and BFF did) “Shall I compare thee to a summer’s piñata?”
Kittyfaelis: “I love you.”
Me: “I love you more.”
Kittyfaelis: “Mmm, no, I love you like Canadians love hockey!”
Me: “Oh snap, that’s a good one.”
I hope these give someone a laugh!
:)
Brother: "Your hair looks like it's bleeding!"
Brother: "You look like a fruitfly!" (referring to my friend’s sunglasses)
Coworker: "Okay Charlie," (while climbing up the ladder) "Pick up the phone, press 9-1------- and WAIT."
Coworker: "Well, I'm off to my cave."
Me: "Are there any monsters in your cave?"
Coworker: "Just me!"
Me: "Is he gonna sleep with her?"
BFF: " 'Strong Sexuality', remember?"
Me: "Well maybe that was the boobs."
"Maybe you should ask her out. She gets into movies free, so it'll be cheap!"
(horrified) "You want me to USE her???"
BFF: "He's not scary, he's an orange with fangs."
BFF: "Dear tv. Change your own damn colors."
BFF: "It's a pretty house."
Me: "Yeah, pretty evil!"
BFF: "What goes up must come down."
Me: "Not if you have enough viagra!"
blualbino: "My gooey center craves your approval. Did that make sense?"
Me: "Uh, no."
blualbino: Okay, so, I watch too much scrubs and there's this ditzy psychologist who says that people are chocolates, hard on the outside but they have a gooey center. I assume my goooey center is my heart, and my heart likes you. So. *facepalm*
Andromeda26: my friend knows jack squat about hockey, but he's always on when i'm listening to games so i provide excellent commentary along the lines of "fuck you, king hank", "how dare you not be your brother, marc staal", "Seabs, ILU", "Hoss, ILU more", and "For the love of god and all that is holy, letang, would you please get a goddamned haircut"
Me: *dead of laugher*
Andromeda26: You know you talk a bit too much about hockey when your completely uninterested in hockey friend points at a group of identical looking cartoon characters and exclaims, "Holy shit, it's the Staal clones!"
Andromeda26: Seriously, my grandmother was off in a corner going "Isn't Crosby a good looking boy?" and my response was basically "Nrg, distracted by the hot French-Canadian." (Letang)
My friend: (On St. Patrick's Day) There's 4 drunk kids walking behind me right now acting like assholes lol. I've heard of Irish pride but it's a tad early...
deviouskirin: At the end of the world, I want 20 Spartans, 50 Recon Marines, Iron Man, Batman, Gibbs, The Losers, and the A-Team at my back.
BFF: Dear Jeremy Renner, please continue to make your quotient of at least two movies a year so my obsess- I mean appreciation for you can be adequately fulfilled. Failure to meet these deman- I mean requests will result in severe ravagi- I mean punishment. That is all.
Andromeda26: “Oh no, FEELINGS!”
(Sister’s boyfriend walks into the bathroom, but doesn’t turn off the light or close the door.)
Brother (in a creepy tone): “Sister’s boyfriend, what are you doing?”
Sister’s boyfriend: “Would you like to come join me and find out?”
Me: “Sister, what’s something that pisses me of?”
Sister: “Stupid people.”
Me: “No, something more specific.”
Sister: “…. Really stupid people?”
Me: “Okay you gotta go now, Sister’s boyfriend, you and Sister are giving me cavities.”
Me: “I just got called DELIGHTFUL. Seriously? Me?”
(Ad on the radio as me and Sister are sitting in the car) “Beautiful right-hand rings for your lady….”
Sister: “But I want a left hand riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing!”
Brooke: “You make me happy, you beautiful orange-blonde Canadian.”
(Sister and Roommate2 are googling celebs and their marriages.)
Roommate2: “His hair’s too poofy.”
Sister: “Like Tim Thomas? Or Sidney Crawford?”
(Roommate2 makes a noise with the chip bag.)
Me (sarcastically): “Geez, Roommate2, we’re trying to watch a movie, here.”
(Roommate2 proceeds to purposely crumple the bag loudly). “Oh, I’m sorry. My bad.”
Sister: “What’s an OB-GYN?”
Me: “…. Something to do with babies?”
Me: “That’s mean.”
Sister: “You’re mean.”
Me: “Your face is mean.”
Sister: “Your mom is mean.”
Me: “I’m telling Mom you said that.”
Sister: “………………….”
Sister: “She looks like Neapolitan ice cream!”
Me: “I am drinking diet coke out of a martini glass. I rock.”
Roommate2: “Who’s playing?”
Sister: “The…. San Francisco… Mermaids.”
(Uncle’s comment on facebook: “What the heck is Sister watching? Water polo?”)
vamm_goda: “My knowledge of football starts and ends with ‘WHO IS THAT GUY? IS HE THE OTHER TEAM? TACKLE HIM’.”
(Sister is lying on the living room floor, tapping out an erratic rhythm with her finger.)
Me: “What are you doing?”
Sister: “Morse coding with the people in China.” (A few minutes go by, while she continues.) “They say hello.”
Mathematics Professor (in a very cheeky tone of voice): “I just don’t count very well.”
French Professor: “I like to eat chalk. Lots of fibre. And smell whiteboard markers.”
(Sign taped to a door in the Math building at the U of M): “I have youre phone, coolman.”
(Scribbled into a corner of said sign): “You’re in University, man, learn to spell.”
(Sister holds out a package of Sidekicks): “Does this mean you need to practice cooking?”
Me: “Baking, you jerk. In a year, I can make you a wedding cake!”
Sister: “Great! I’ll tell Boyfriend!”
(Me, Roommate2 and Sister watching The Iron Giant.)
Me: “How did that tiny little screw get all the way from Hogarth’s house to Iceland?”
Roommate2: “Maybe it rode a dolphin.”
“You may live in Canada if you know all four seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road construction.”
Me: “You know, Sister, you can’t believe everything you read on the internet.”
Sister’s boyfriend: “Why not? They went to all the trouble of writing it.”
Kittyfaelis: “The square root of ‘end of the semester’ is Italy!”
BFF: “Tell your boy thanks for the fantasy points…”
Dad: “Yeah, cause they talk regularly….”
Sister: “Hey, if we were in [hometown], we could just turn right here like dumb [hometown] drivers.”
Me: “But it says we can’t turn right, there.”
Sister: “That’s left, Charlie…..”
Roommate2: “It’s supposed to be -2 on Saturday.”
Sister (sarcastically): “Ooooh, it’s getting cold out!”
Roommate2: “Yeah, time to break out the thermal underwear!”
Me (writing on Sister’s facebook): “DO YOUR HOMEWORK AND STOP HUMMING OTHERWISE ROOMMATE2’S GOING TO GET MAD AND MORE OUT AND THEN ALL OF OUR FUNNY WILL BE GONE.”
(Me, Sister and Roommate2 are watching a hair product commercial.)
Sister: “Hey, isn’t that Heath Ledger?”
Me and Roommate2: “……….. Heath Ledger’s dead.”
Sister: “So then why does that look like him?”
(HALF AN HOUR LATER, same commercial.)
Roommate2: “Look Sister, it’s Heath Ledger!”
(Me and BFF were gonna watch a movie, put it into one of the five disc slots in my dvd player, and then got distracted and forgot about it.)
Me: “Which disc slot is it in, five?”
BFF: “I don’t know, we forgot to WATCH it, why would I remember what disc slot it’s in?”
Kevin Hart: “I saw this huge (muscular) guy at the gym, one of those guys with no neck, and I asked him, yo man, why you still here? You got ‘em all!”
Italian Professor: “Cristofolo Columbo was an idiot. In my opinion.”
Sister: “I’m not actually drunk, you know.”
Roommate2: “I know, you’re just weird.”
Me: “Someone just asked me what timezone I was in. I don’t actually know, so I just said ‘Chicago’.”
Mathematics Professor: “I don’t give a ………… care.”
(Me watching the Oilers/Canucks game.) “WHO CAN I NOT CHEER FOR LESS?”
(later)
Me: “I am watching a hockey game and someone scores and they are not playing Chelsea Dagger. SO I AM HUMMING IT ANYWAY.”
Sister: “I’m scared.”
Me: “Why?”
Roommate2: “The curtains are moving. But we turned the air off.”
(Sister looks around.)
Me: “You guys, the FAN IS ON.”
Andromeda26: “My friend is telling me I can’t fire all the Pens.”
(My bus driver on the way to school, like a tour guide): “And here we have the stadium, where the Bombers AND the Bisons are undefeated!”
Mathematics Professor: “Let’s make a hundred woodies!”
Class: “……………”
My Italian prof says the most hilarious things. “Mr. God,” “I’m sorry, I love you,” to students he picks on, and then since he doesn’t know names yet, I am “hat girl”, and there’s “Russian guy,” “Mexicana,” and “Sandra”, whose real name is Kendra but there’s no ‘k’ in Italian so he took the liberty of changing her name for her.
Roommate2: “We could watch TV on the pony!”
Me: “It’s the little fast-track that could!”
5 year old cousin: “I’m going to snuggle this big pink bear, okay?”
Me: “That’s a pig.”
Cousin: “…..Oh.”
Coworker: “She’s using words, but I don’t understand what they are!!!”
(Me and BFF watching Jeopardy.)
Me: “Don’t pet the alligator!”
BFF: “No, it’s ‘walking the red carpet’!”
BFF: “Don’t let my anti-tallness confuse my excess of scrappiness!”
Mom: “What is the capital of China?”
Brother: “I couldn’t decide between Shanghai and Beijing, so I wrote Shang Bang!”
Andromeda26: “I loved its entire existence like a thing that loves something a lot.”
BFF: “Floaties FTW!”
Me: “I forgot a ponytail holder, so now I have eleven very strategically placed bobby pins in my hair.”
Me (staring forlornly): “Why doesn’t the straw go all the way down to the bottom of the cup?”
BFF: “I just stopped drinking mine….”
BFF: “And we’re both such people people!”
Me: “Mom, I have a new favourite song.”
Mom: “Charlie, SONGS are your favourite.”
“Why spiders? Why couldn’t it be follow the butterflies?”
Simone: “Déjà vu. It’s Chinese.”
Me: “Um…. No Simone. Try French.”
(from a mad lib me and BFF did) “Shall I compare thee to a summer’s piñata?”
Kittyfaelis: “I love you.”
Me: “I love you more.”
Kittyfaelis: “Mmm, no, I love you like Canadians love hockey!”
Me: “Oh snap, that’s a good one.”