Even More Confused Than Before
Before I write anything else, let me tell you the dream I just had about Caleb.
It looked like we were walking through the mall at first. We were happy like before and he put his arm around me and I put my arm around him. We were smiling and laughing. It was wonderful. We saw his friends (that I've never actually met) and he talked to them for a second or two.
Then all of a sudden we're back at Beaverdam (the church where we met), but it had the feeling of a school. We were walking along then all of a sudden he tells me to hold on and breaks away from me. To our left, in the corner on the floor, is one of his friends. I don't know who it is, but Caleb whispered to him, while making sure I was listening by looking back, "She thinks that I got drunk..." And I left.
I walked away at first, but then I started to run. I was going along the halls and the lights passed above my head. I knew that he was a fast runner and I wanted to get away. But then my feet gre wheavy and I started to slow down. It was like rubber was catching my feet. I remember leaning really far forward to try and keep runnning, but eventually I stopped.
Caleb came behind me. I think he said something to me, like trying to talk to me, but I don't remember/can't make it out. All I know is that I grew angry and started running again. The rubber was gone. I kept running and running, dodging caleb when I saw him. he was visible through the glass. It was like all the walls turned glass and I could see everything he was doing except for this one area.
Well, he caught me once and I struggled to get away. I don't know how I did, but I started running again. I didn't want to admit it, but I wanted him to catch me. I wanted him to save me from running.
The last thing I remember is Caleb saw that I was trapped in a room with two doors. He thought I was going out the other door and disappeared into the blind spot. I was going to make a break for a certain room that I thought would hide me until some guy runs up to me a goes: "Caleb's hurt!" and I panicked. I ran to where he was and saw that a dog had bit him. He wasn't bleeding or anything, but the feeling that it was really bad just swept over everyone. But I didn't/couldn't talk to him.
Then some guy comes on something like the student tv station (I could see the two girls who were running it) and said, in short, that it wasn't the school's fault and he shouldn't have been running. Then he started singing. Wierd...
That's it. I can kind of already figure what the dream was about. I wanted him to save me so bad, but he didn't have the ability. He wasn't the right person. The guy on tv... well, I can guess that he's supposed to be my family who say that Caleb was a jerk and we didn't go together anyway. But all of this is just a guess.
Okay, so here's the rest of what I want to write about:
I think I mentioned that I wrote an angry letter to Caleb (which I won't post here because its really, really angry-like lol!) and he replied. I'm going to post his email and then I'm going to go because I have some things to do. But I will say this: I WEIGH 113!!!!!
Here's Caleb's email, its Subject is "Pissed Off":
"Hello pissed off one,
I wanna start by saying I never have cheated on you. I know you are pissed or f'ing mad, or whatever. I have alot on my mind. I can't concentrate, like when we were together and you rarely had anything to say. Your disease is an eating problem I understand that, but right after you told me that you changed and you said you did weeks after. I also have no money or car so I never saw you. I'm either at work or work so I have no phone to call and when I do my mind is so stressed I don't think of it. That is stupid to say it is because I was cheating or something, if that is the case then just ask josh, I was either with him or at work. He was the only special person in my life besides you lol.
I really am sorry,
Me"
And now here's what I wrote him:
"Hey,
Maybe you didn't cheat on me. Actually, I probably wouldn't believe anyone if they said you had, but how am I supposed to trust you? I know you have alot on your mind. I have yet to meet someone who doesn't. Fine, you won't call me or can't call me or whatever. Talk to Josh? I have, probably more than I should've. You were there that Thursday night you said you would call. I was freaking talking to josh while you guys were playing video games. See? And I'm supposed to trust you? "I'll call you tomorrow when I get a phone" you told me. that would've been thursday. you had a phone. And you didn't call. Sorry if you don't understand how that would upset me. And there were times when I'd call and you wouldn't answer the phone because you didn't feel like it? That's nice.
Maybe I did change. But don't blame this all on me. you changed too and I'm not the only one who saw it. You stopped acting like you cared and when people do that with mme I hermit back into myself. The last two months or so you acted like I wasn't your girlfriend. i was just another person or thing there. No one would've been able to tell if I was dating you or josh or someone else or no one at all. But then you'd do a complete 360 and act upset because I wasn't throwing myself at you. wtf? I didn't know how to act around you, Caleb.
I'm not going to blame my ED for all my problems, but yeah, it does affect alot. I deal with stress by controlling my food intake (or non) and weighing myself. I can't help it, I just do. It scares me, but until I met you I thought that would be the only person/object/thing that would be there for me. Well, I was wrong about you, I guess. I have serious trust issues. Stephen didn't help. Krista didn't help. People I meet everyday don't help. I clam up and create a persona that way if something happens I can leave and the only thing they succeeded in was to attack something i made up.
Ana I see as a person. She talks to me, laughs at me, ridicules me, and screams at me. Literally. You're probably laughing now, but its true. See, this is the part people don't understand. I see her and I hear her, but its me. Its the other side of me. She looks like me and sounds like me. She's always there no matter what, good or bad. I can depend on her to be there even if I don't want her there. There have been times when I was eating like a "normal" person and she was literally screaming so loud at me about how much of a failure I am and how stupid and ugly i am that I couldn't hear what my mom was saying tome. Wierd, right? You try to eat "normal" while someone's doing that. Yeah, but because she's always been there, I panic at the thought of getting rid of her. See, I would've done it for you. I probably could've gone through with recovery and spit in her face, but you left me too. But its not the leaving part that upsets me. Its the part where you left me, but never bothered to tell me that you had.
The fact that I heard from Josh isn't pissing me off, either. Its the fact that you didn't call me or write me. And when you did write me, it said absolutely nothing about the break up. Caleb, make sure this is what you want because I can't date exes. This is permanent.
Oh, yeah, and I'm so sorry I'm on edge. I just get sick of being reminded of how "It was going to happen anyway" or "it was another girl, duh!". Yeah, I'm getting irritated with all that.
So, now that this email took up more space than I planned, I'll go. I just figure since I'll probably never talk to you on the phone again, I'd write you what I wish I could've said a long time ago.
~Yaz"
It looked like we were walking through the mall at first. We were happy like before and he put his arm around me and I put my arm around him. We were smiling and laughing. It was wonderful. We saw his friends (that I've never actually met) and he talked to them for a second or two.
Then all of a sudden we're back at Beaverdam (the church where we met), but it had the feeling of a school. We were walking along then all of a sudden he tells me to hold on and breaks away from me. To our left, in the corner on the floor, is one of his friends. I don't know who it is, but Caleb whispered to him, while making sure I was listening by looking back, "She thinks that I got drunk..." And I left.
I walked away at first, but then I started to run. I was going along the halls and the lights passed above my head. I knew that he was a fast runner and I wanted to get away. But then my feet gre wheavy and I started to slow down. It was like rubber was catching my feet. I remember leaning really far forward to try and keep runnning, but eventually I stopped.
Caleb came behind me. I think he said something to me, like trying to talk to me, but I don't remember/can't make it out. All I know is that I grew angry and started running again. The rubber was gone. I kept running and running, dodging caleb when I saw him. he was visible through the glass. It was like all the walls turned glass and I could see everything he was doing except for this one area.
Well, he caught me once and I struggled to get away. I don't know how I did, but I started running again. I didn't want to admit it, but I wanted him to catch me. I wanted him to save me from running.
The last thing I remember is Caleb saw that I was trapped in a room with two doors. He thought I was going out the other door and disappeared into the blind spot. I was going to make a break for a certain room that I thought would hide me until some guy runs up to me a goes: "Caleb's hurt!" and I panicked. I ran to where he was and saw that a dog had bit him. He wasn't bleeding or anything, but the feeling that it was really bad just swept over everyone. But I didn't/couldn't talk to him.
Then some guy comes on something like the student tv station (I could see the two girls who were running it) and said, in short, that it wasn't the school's fault and he shouldn't have been running. Then he started singing. Wierd...
That's it. I can kind of already figure what the dream was about. I wanted him to save me so bad, but he didn't have the ability. He wasn't the right person. The guy on tv... well, I can guess that he's supposed to be my family who say that Caleb was a jerk and we didn't go together anyway. But all of this is just a guess.
Okay, so here's the rest of what I want to write about:
I think I mentioned that I wrote an angry letter to Caleb (which I won't post here because its really, really angry-like lol!) and he replied. I'm going to post his email and then I'm going to go because I have some things to do. But I will say this: I WEIGH 113!!!!!
Here's Caleb's email, its Subject is "Pissed Off":
"Hello pissed off one,
I wanna start by saying I never have cheated on you. I know you are pissed or f'ing mad, or whatever. I have alot on my mind. I can't concentrate, like when we were together and you rarely had anything to say. Your disease is an eating problem I understand that, but right after you told me that you changed and you said you did weeks after. I also have no money or car so I never saw you. I'm either at work or work so I have no phone to call and when I do my mind is so stressed I don't think of it. That is stupid to say it is because I was cheating or something, if that is the case then just ask josh, I was either with him or at work. He was the only special person in my life besides you lol.
I really am sorry,
Me"
And now here's what I wrote him:
"Hey,
Maybe you didn't cheat on me. Actually, I probably wouldn't believe anyone if they said you had, but how am I supposed to trust you? I know you have alot on your mind. I have yet to meet someone who doesn't. Fine, you won't call me or can't call me or whatever. Talk to Josh? I have, probably more than I should've. You were there that Thursday night you said you would call. I was freaking talking to josh while you guys were playing video games. See? And I'm supposed to trust you? "I'll call you tomorrow when I get a phone" you told me. that would've been thursday. you had a phone. And you didn't call. Sorry if you don't understand how that would upset me. And there were times when I'd call and you wouldn't answer the phone because you didn't feel like it? That's nice.
Maybe I did change. But don't blame this all on me. you changed too and I'm not the only one who saw it. You stopped acting like you cared and when people do that with mme I hermit back into myself. The last two months or so you acted like I wasn't your girlfriend. i was just another person or thing there. No one would've been able to tell if I was dating you or josh or someone else or no one at all. But then you'd do a complete 360 and act upset because I wasn't throwing myself at you. wtf? I didn't know how to act around you, Caleb.
I'm not going to blame my ED for all my problems, but yeah, it does affect alot. I deal with stress by controlling my food intake (or non) and weighing myself. I can't help it, I just do. It scares me, but until I met you I thought that would be the only person/object/thing that would be there for me. Well, I was wrong about you, I guess. I have serious trust issues. Stephen didn't help. Krista didn't help. People I meet everyday don't help. I clam up and create a persona that way if something happens I can leave and the only thing they succeeded in was to attack something i made up.
Ana I see as a person. She talks to me, laughs at me, ridicules me, and screams at me. Literally. You're probably laughing now, but its true. See, this is the part people don't understand. I see her and I hear her, but its me. Its the other side of me. She looks like me and sounds like me. She's always there no matter what, good or bad. I can depend on her to be there even if I don't want her there. There have been times when I was eating like a "normal" person and she was literally screaming so loud at me about how much of a failure I am and how stupid and ugly i am that I couldn't hear what my mom was saying tome. Wierd, right? You try to eat "normal" while someone's doing that. Yeah, but because she's always been there, I panic at the thought of getting rid of her. See, I would've done it for you. I probably could've gone through with recovery and spit in her face, but you left me too. But its not the leaving part that upsets me. Its the part where you left me, but never bothered to tell me that you had.
The fact that I heard from Josh isn't pissing me off, either. Its the fact that you didn't call me or write me. And when you did write me, it said absolutely nothing about the break up. Caleb, make sure this is what you want because I can't date exes. This is permanent.
Oh, yeah, and I'm so sorry I'm on edge. I just get sick of being reminded of how "It was going to happen anyway" or "it was another girl, duh!". Yeah, I'm getting irritated with all that.
So, now that this email took up more space than I planned, I'll go. I just figure since I'll probably never talk to you on the phone again, I'd write you what I wish I could've said a long time ago.
~Yaz"