The perma lights are no consolation
Jesus I have a lot of work ahead of me. I wrote it down and on paper it looks like less but I know that everything will take me three times as long to do in English. I'm hoping to bust hardcore ass tomorrow and get as much done before I need to go to classes and participate.
But after the next two weeks it's off to London and having some fun! I got my tickets, hostel, and train tickets there and back from the airport. Just tickets in England next, as well as seeing what the hell I want to. Any suggestions?
I've been in a bit of a deep blue funk the last couple of days. It's mostly when I'm alone for really long periods of time. Which has been all semester but I think it's starting to strain on me a little bit. I'm caught between wanting to be independent and take care of myself and wanting to reach out and pull people around me.
It's not about the people I'm here with. They are some of the most wonderful people I've had the ability to share lives with. I am so happy when we are together and sometimes I think, "This is what I've been missing." It's completely true. When I've been feeling melancholy as soon as I'm with them I am full again. But that isn't the problem now.
Now I've been preoccupied with thoughts of home. I miss everyone so bad it hurts sometimes. I never realized how strongly the time difference and distance would pull me out of the life I had been living. I expected to have homesickness and miss people but it sometimes just hits hard when I'm not expecting it.
Maybe it's because I wanted it to be like I never left. I was hoping that I would have just as much contact with America as when I was home. But as time went on I heard less and less until now the only way I really see anything or hear from anyone is by their Facebook status updates. It depresses me in such a strange way.
I've never been one for keeping touch after long periods apart. I can't go back and visit my high school or grade school. I can visit friends but only the really close ones and even now that group has thinned out considerably. Four months is such a long time. Hell eight months is even longer and in reality that's how long I'll really be gone.
What will it be like when I go back? How different will everyone be? How different am I? I can't tell. Am I too different now? Have I outgrown everyone and everything like I have so many times before...or has everyone outgrown me? Who will be able to look me in the eye? I broke many things before I left. I broke myself and put myself back together in the image that I wanted to be and I am HAPPY with it but there are so many pieces left behind that I'm afraid are all that connect me to people I love.
I am thrumming with excitement to come back. I am so excited to go back to a country where I don't feel anxious every time someone makes eye contact with me. I am excited to see my family and get back into making money (hopefully).
I'm excited for LCP if it pulls through but I am nervous for coming back to see all the UMFers again. That would be the proverbial "moment of truth" for me. I know there are some that have always and will always love me and I love them right back just as strongly. It's just the nervousness of not...fitting...anymore. I feel like the longer I am away the more my edges jag and my corners round until I can only be placed outside of the puzzle like the one the dog chewed on. I feel like I'm fading.
Jesus this is much more emo than I meant it to be. It feels great to get it out though. Please don't be too worried by this. The anticipation is all that's messing with me right now. I know that everything will work out and be fine. It just seems like such a long way off with a lot of buildup right now.
If anyone from the overseas area would like to talk I'd love to hear from you. Facebook is wonderful that way :P Message me or spam my wall, whatever is your fancy. Let me know you're alive - for all I know you could have your grandmother updating your status.
Grandma: Well, Timmy is...knitting baby booties and baking pork with collard greens...oh that's not what the kids do these days...Timmy is...420 MAN! That sounds more like him. Loser.
But anyways I should sleep. It's way too late for me to have power over a computer and access to the internet. See y'all later and Love to All!
Bisous
LJ
LJ's Lyrics of the Day:
"I'm standing on the bridge
I'm waiting in the dark,
I thought that you'd be here by now.
There's nothing but the rain,
No footsteps on the ground,
I'm listening but there's no sound.
Isn't anyone tryin’ to find me?
Won't somebody come take me home?
It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life.
Won't you take me by the hand,
Take me somewhere new?
I don't know who you are
But I... I'm with you.
I'm with you..."
Artist: Avril Lavigne, "I'm With You" - This song still makes me think of Sesshy :P
But after the next two weeks it's off to London and having some fun! I got my tickets, hostel, and train tickets there and back from the airport. Just tickets in England next, as well as seeing what the hell I want to. Any suggestions?
I've been in a bit of a deep blue funk the last couple of days. It's mostly when I'm alone for really long periods of time. Which has been all semester but I think it's starting to strain on me a little bit. I'm caught between wanting to be independent and take care of myself and wanting to reach out and pull people around me.
It's not about the people I'm here with. They are some of the most wonderful people I've had the ability to share lives with. I am so happy when we are together and sometimes I think, "This is what I've been missing." It's completely true. When I've been feeling melancholy as soon as I'm with them I am full again. But that isn't the problem now.
Now I've been preoccupied with thoughts of home. I miss everyone so bad it hurts sometimes. I never realized how strongly the time difference and distance would pull me out of the life I had been living. I expected to have homesickness and miss people but it sometimes just hits hard when I'm not expecting it.
Maybe it's because I wanted it to be like I never left. I was hoping that I would have just as much contact with America as when I was home. But as time went on I heard less and less until now the only way I really see anything or hear from anyone is by their Facebook status updates. It depresses me in such a strange way.
I've never been one for keeping touch after long periods apart. I can't go back and visit my high school or grade school. I can visit friends but only the really close ones and even now that group has thinned out considerably. Four months is such a long time. Hell eight months is even longer and in reality that's how long I'll really be gone.
What will it be like when I go back? How different will everyone be? How different am I? I can't tell. Am I too different now? Have I outgrown everyone and everything like I have so many times before...or has everyone outgrown me? Who will be able to look me in the eye? I broke many things before I left. I broke myself and put myself back together in the image that I wanted to be and I am HAPPY with it but there are so many pieces left behind that I'm afraid are all that connect me to people I love.
I am thrumming with excitement to come back. I am so excited to go back to a country where I don't feel anxious every time someone makes eye contact with me. I am excited to see my family and get back into making money (hopefully).
I'm excited for LCP if it pulls through but I am nervous for coming back to see all the UMFers again. That would be the proverbial "moment of truth" for me. I know there are some that have always and will always love me and I love them right back just as strongly. It's just the nervousness of not...fitting...anymore. I feel like the longer I am away the more my edges jag and my corners round until I can only be placed outside of the puzzle like the one the dog chewed on. I feel like I'm fading.
Jesus this is much more emo than I meant it to be. It feels great to get it out though. Please don't be too worried by this. The anticipation is all that's messing with me right now. I know that everything will work out and be fine. It just seems like such a long way off with a lot of buildup right now.
If anyone from the overseas area would like to talk I'd love to hear from you. Facebook is wonderful that way :P Message me or spam my wall, whatever is your fancy. Let me know you're alive - for all I know you could have your grandmother updating your status.
Grandma: Well, Timmy is...knitting baby booties and baking pork with collard greens...oh that's not what the kids do these days...Timmy is...420 MAN! That sounds more like him. Loser.
But anyways I should sleep. It's way too late for me to have power over a computer and access to the internet. See y'all later and Love to All!
Bisous
LJ
LJ's Lyrics of the Day:
"I'm standing on the bridge
I'm waiting in the dark,
I thought that you'd be here by now.
There's nothing but the rain,
No footsteps on the ground,
I'm listening but there's no sound.
Isn't anyone tryin’ to find me?
Won't somebody come take me home?
It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life.
Won't you take me by the hand,
Take me somewhere new?
I don't know who you are
But I... I'm with you.
I'm with you..."
Artist: Avril Lavigne, "I'm With You" - This song still makes me think of Sesshy :P