My life just took a 360 and I don’t know what to do about it.

Nov 05, 2011 19:38


In this week alone, I started dating Sean (yes, Hat Kid has a real name), and put into my two weeks notice for Party City. I know I should be excited, and that I’ve been begging for change these last few months, but it’s all happening at once and I’m starting to feel overwhelmed.

On the work side, I’m moving on to this place called Active Kidz, where I’d be an Event Planner and help parents plan their kids parties and supervise them. It pays more, and the owners were so nice. During the tour I was super excited to start, and the next day when I went into PC to give in my two weeks...I dunno I just hit me how long I’ve been there.

Granted, I don’t WANT to stay. My mental health cannot possibly withstand that. But leaving something I’ve managed, that’s been such a big part of my life...it’s jarring. I have to finish off the week and train someone else to take up Balloon Counter, but it’s hard to conceive that this is my last week ever having to wear ugly tan pants and a black t-shirt.

With Sean....it’s all just so new. I say it so much that I’m just really, really REALLY bad at dating. It’s why I avoided at all cost. Jason, Dan...they barely lasted a few months because I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t deal and figure out how to function in a relationship. I broke it off with both of them as soon as the first signs of an argument spouted.

But with Sean it’s different...I actually like him. When it was that awkward “I like you, I think you like me, but I dunno” stage, I kept trying to distance myself from him, but there’s this weird attraction that keeps pulling me back.

I fucking hate it!!!

We’ve only been official for a week, and I’m just so fucking scared that I’m fucking everything up. He’s older than me, and is more experienced. He’s been with girls who are FAST, and while he tells me now it’s not a big deal IT WILL BE A BIG DEAL. Shit like this is ALWAYS A BIG FUCKING DEAL.

Then I think to what that can lead to...and the fights, the disagreements, all the shit I’m going to have to deal with. The fact that the Ticker people still don’t like me, and how every time I walk into his office I can feel the other editors staring at the back of my head so hard my scalp itches.

It just makes me so uncomfortable - plus, I don’t even know why he likes me. We really don’t have that much in common when it comes down to it. He calls me a journalist, but I wouldn’t consider myself that at all. He gets all the major news publications mailed to his house and he gives me random sections like I give a shit - I DO NOT GIVE A SHIT - and I take them and pretend I do because I don’t want him to think I’m some sort of ignorant asshole. I text stories about my life a lot and send them to all my friends, who find them charming, but when I text him I feel like I’m a nuisance. That I’m being clingy and I shouldn’t be texting him so much or he’ll get annoyed. I find myself saying sorry to him a lot - I accidentally shut the door in his face and apologized so profusely you’d think I shot his dog.

Sienna said it’s natural, that we’re still feeling each other out and we’ll fall into a rhythm. That I just need to stop over-thinking everything - like I always do - and just enjoy it. But I CAN’T JUST IGNORE THE FACT THAT I’M GONNA FUCK EVERYTHING UP!

Or can I? I don’t know...I’m also super feverish so maybe it is all in my head and I’m gonna wake up single again and just working at party city and this last week has just been one, big giant stroke dream.

active kidz, work, sean, hat kid, life updates, party city, dating

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