I'm back.
I've been putting off this post for days, but I think it's time for an explanation. I changed over the past year (mostly in the past few months), and not for the better, I finally recognized this and decided to do something about it. Now that things are starting to get back to semi-normality I want to explain myself and what happened...
I was diagnosed with clinical depression over 10 years ago. I took medication through middle and high school and it helped a lot. When I got to college, things got better. I was involved in a few organizations, I had a lot of friends, I had a boyfriend and I was enjoying my classes. Things were going so well that I talked to my doctor and was weaned off the drugs. I had some rough patches, but was able to work through most of them. Senior year it got bad again, because of Mike. I started going to counseling, but it took breaking up with him to finally get me out of it.
Since graduating I've experienced a lot of highs and lows... mostly lows. For a while I was able to deal by watching movies, playing video games and doing crafts, distracting myself from what was going on. When we lived in Merrimack it wasn't too bad. Sure, I was stuck in a basement, but I could do my own thing and didn't have to deal with Dick (mom's "friend") when he was staying with us. When mom and I moved to Manchester I thought things would be different... they were... worse. At first it was just the two of us, then I had problems finding a job, and her foot surgery got pushed up. So he moved back in with us, just to help us with the rent until she got back to working full time... That was in January. I'm not going to go into full detail about my issues with him, suffice to say we don't get along. So, if he's home, I'm stuck in my room because I'm just uncomfortable being in the living room/kitchen when he's there. I have a job I really like, but still can't afford a car, so I'm unable to go anywhere. I have no friends in the area (two guys I could go out with if I wanted... but I'm having enough issues without having to deal with that) so my social life has shriveled up and died.
I know my lack of social life is mostly my fault. I could have made more effort to talk to people and meet up with people... but I feel guilty about asking people to come down and visit me or cart my ass around. Over the course of the last 4-5 months or so things have gotten pretty bad. My life consisted of getting up, going on my computer for a couple hours, going to work, coming home, going on my computer for a few hours and going to bed. That's it. I didn't talk to anyone, I went out maybe twice a week, once to deposit my paycheck and once to buy groceries. I lost all motivation to do anything, I gained weight, I stopped talking to everyone and I started having drastic mood swings. Last week was when I finally noticed how bad it had gotten. I had the day off on Wednesday and went from being happy and bouncing around the house doing laundry and being productive in the morning, to moping in my room and almost bursting into tears because my mother wasn't concerned when I said I wasn't feeling well at night. The next day I called my doctor's office and made an appointment to be seen.
I started a new medication on Saturday and I'm feeling loads better. My doctor also gave me "homework" I have to get out of the house at least once a week and do something social (she suggested going to the library and seeing what community things they have going on, or joining a theater group... but I don't think she realized I work evenings and that doesn't quite work). I'm still working on that one, but at least I'm feeling legitimately better, and I don't have to pretend to be happy at work anymore. I started baking again on Monday, something I stopped doing months ago, and I'm looking forward to trying new recipes I found. Things still suck, but at least I'm having an easier time dealing with it.
I know I've been a terrible friend recently. But now that I'm feeling like myself again, I would like to try to rebuild friendships I've been ignoring.
I was diagnosed with clinical depression over 10 years ago. I took medication through middle and high school and it helped a lot. When I got to college, things got better. I was involved in a few organizations, I had a lot of friends, I had a boyfriend and I was enjoying my classes. Things were going so well that I talked to my doctor and was weaned off the drugs. I had some rough patches, but was able to work through most of them. Senior year it got bad again, because of Mike. I started going to counseling, but it took breaking up with him to finally get me out of it.
Since graduating I've experienced a lot of highs and lows... mostly lows. For a while I was able to deal by watching movies, playing video games and doing crafts, distracting myself from what was going on. When we lived in Merrimack it wasn't too bad. Sure, I was stuck in a basement, but I could do my own thing and didn't have to deal with Dick (mom's "friend") when he was staying with us. When mom and I moved to Manchester I thought things would be different... they were... worse. At first it was just the two of us, then I had problems finding a job, and her foot surgery got pushed up. So he moved back in with us, just to help us with the rent until she got back to working full time... That was in January. I'm not going to go into full detail about my issues with him, suffice to say we don't get along. So, if he's home, I'm stuck in my room because I'm just uncomfortable being in the living room/kitchen when he's there. I have a job I really like, but still can't afford a car, so I'm unable to go anywhere. I have no friends in the area (two guys I could go out with if I wanted... but I'm having enough issues without having to deal with that) so my social life has shriveled up and died.
I know my lack of social life is mostly my fault. I could have made more effort to talk to people and meet up with people... but I feel guilty about asking people to come down and visit me or cart my ass around. Over the course of the last 4-5 months or so things have gotten pretty bad. My life consisted of getting up, going on my computer for a couple hours, going to work, coming home, going on my computer for a few hours and going to bed. That's it. I didn't talk to anyone, I went out maybe twice a week, once to deposit my paycheck and once to buy groceries. I lost all motivation to do anything, I gained weight, I stopped talking to everyone and I started having drastic mood swings. Last week was when I finally noticed how bad it had gotten. I had the day off on Wednesday and went from being happy and bouncing around the house doing laundry and being productive in the morning, to moping in my room and almost bursting into tears because my mother wasn't concerned when I said I wasn't feeling well at night. The next day I called my doctor's office and made an appointment to be seen.
I started a new medication on Saturday and I'm feeling loads better. My doctor also gave me "homework" I have to get out of the house at least once a week and do something social (she suggested going to the library and seeing what community things they have going on, or joining a theater group... but I don't think she realized I work evenings and that doesn't quite work). I'm still working on that one, but at least I'm feeling legitimately better, and I don't have to pretend to be happy at work anymore. I started baking again on Monday, something I stopped doing months ago, and I'm looking forward to trying new recipes I found. Things still suck, but at least I'm having an easier time dealing with it.
I know I've been a terrible friend recently. But now that I'm feeling like myself again, I would like to try to rebuild friendships I've been ignoring.