From the Archives: A Rather Old Product of My Insanity
As a point of interest, this was the first draft of my English Language media piece; a radio script about blogs. Our media piece was intended as a companion to our language investigation coursework - those of you who've been here a few years will remember that I analysed the language of blogs - and the media piece was a way of presenting our findings in an educational, entertaining way that was understandable to your Average Joe. This draft was rejected outright.
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[FX: Eerie music]
NARRATOR: We are about to take you on a journey through time and space.
CROWD: Oooh!
NARRATOR: A journey into an alternate world; one much unlike our own. The year is 2010, and all of humanity exist solely on... the Internet!
[FX: Horrified gasps into confused murmurs. Music halts.]
MAN 1: It's not that different then.
MAN 2: Yeah, most people suck at the digital teat already.
NARRATOR: Ehem. Right-o. [Music resumes.] Mankind has abandoned physical form in favour of a more efficient, digitised state -
MAN 1: So no food then? No sex?
MAN 2: I want to go home.
MAN 1: Well, it's the Internet - no doubt it'll be swimming with porn.
MAN 2: I don't want to go home anymore.
NARRATOR: [Flustered. Music halts.] Will - you - be - quiet?! It's not easy being a narrator, you know! Degrees in narrating are not cheap!
MAN 1: [Muttering] Or existent.
NARRATOR: ]Speaking loudly. Music resumes, sped up.] We join our hero, Mr. Manpax of the BBC, as he prepares for an interview! A strange new world has arisen from the digitised seas of Internet. It is called [FX: zooming noise] the Blogosphere!
MAN 2: I wonder what the women are like...
[FX: Bustle of people. Studio sounds. Clicking heels approach.]
MARISA: Mr Bloggs has arrived.
MANPAX: Oh, hello Marisa. Send him in.
MARISA: He is in.
MANPAX: Sorry?
MARISA: You're sitting on him.
MANPAX: Oh, blimey - terribly sorry, Mr Bloggs. I'm Merejy Manpax - I'll be interviewing you today.
BLOGGS: Error 404 - witty response not found.
MANPAX: Ahaha - quite!
MARISA: Coffee?
MANPAX: Oh - yes please, Marisa/ Starbucks.com as usual. And Marisa, you now what size I like?
MARISA: 260 gigabytes - the same as your trousers.
MANPAX: Don't you know it! [FX: Heels away.] So, Mr Bloggs -
BLOGGS: You can call me Joe. Because that's my name.
MANPAX: Er...
BLOGGS: It's short for Dave.
MANPAX: Joe it is, then. Anyway, I thought you might like to go over your ideas before the interview starts. We're here to learn a bit about the Blogosphere and its culture. Can you tell me a bit about it?
BLOGGS: It's called the Blogosphere. Blogs live there.
MANPAX: Er - what is a blog?
BLOGGS: Google it.
MANPAX: Uh - Google?
[FX: Approaching footsteps.]
GOOGLE: Yes?
MANPAX: Define 'blog'.
GOOGLE: Are you feeling lucky?
MANPAX: Only when I get Marisa in the sack. Define 'blog'.
GOOGLE: One moment, sir.
[FX: Dial-up screeching.]
MANPAX: Bloody dial-up. What is this? The stone ages? And where is my coffee?
MARISA: [FX: Heavy item being dragged.] Here, Mr Manpax.
MANPAX: That's not 260GB!
MARISA: Actually, it's 480.
MANPAX: Oh. Spiffing. What took you so long?
MARISA: Dial-up.
[FX: Ping!]
GOOGLE: Blog. Noun. Shortened from 'web log', it is a log of stuff... on the web.
MANPAX: And where did you find that?
GOOGLE: Urbandictionary.com.
MANPAX: Alright. Sod off then.
GOOGLE: Are you feeling lucky?
[FX: Crash!]
MARISA: You've crashed Google!
MANPAX: Nobody will notice.
--------------------------------
[FX: Eerie music]
NARRATOR: We are about to take you on a journey through time and space.
CROWD: Oooh!
NARRATOR: A journey into an alternate world; one much unlike our own. The year is 2010, and all of humanity exist solely on... the Internet!
[FX: Horrified gasps into confused murmurs. Music halts.]
MAN 1: It's not that different then.
MAN 2: Yeah, most people suck at the digital teat already.
NARRATOR: Ehem. Right-o. [Music resumes.] Mankind has abandoned physical form in favour of a more efficient, digitised state -
MAN 1: So no food then? No sex?
MAN 2: I want to go home.
MAN 1: Well, it's the Internet - no doubt it'll be swimming with porn.
MAN 2: I don't want to go home anymore.
NARRATOR: [Flustered. Music halts.] Will - you - be - quiet?! It's not easy being a narrator, you know! Degrees in narrating are not cheap!
MAN 1: [Muttering] Or existent.
NARRATOR: ]Speaking loudly. Music resumes, sped up.] We join our hero, Mr. Manpax of the BBC, as he prepares for an interview! A strange new world has arisen from the digitised seas of Internet. It is called [FX: zooming noise] the Blogosphere!
MAN 2: I wonder what the women are like...
[FX: Bustle of people. Studio sounds. Clicking heels approach.]
MARISA: Mr Bloggs has arrived.
MANPAX: Oh, hello Marisa. Send him in.
MARISA: He is in.
MANPAX: Sorry?
MARISA: You're sitting on him.
MANPAX: Oh, blimey - terribly sorry, Mr Bloggs. I'm Merejy Manpax - I'll be interviewing you today.
BLOGGS: Error 404 - witty response not found.
MANPAX: Ahaha - quite!
MARISA: Coffee?
MANPAX: Oh - yes please, Marisa/ Starbucks.com as usual. And Marisa, you now what size I like?
MARISA: 260 gigabytes - the same as your trousers.
MANPAX: Don't you know it! [FX: Heels away.] So, Mr Bloggs -
BLOGGS: You can call me Joe. Because that's my name.
MANPAX: Er...
BLOGGS: It's short for Dave.
MANPAX: Joe it is, then. Anyway, I thought you might like to go over your ideas before the interview starts. We're here to learn a bit about the Blogosphere and its culture. Can you tell me a bit about it?
BLOGGS: It's called the Blogosphere. Blogs live there.
MANPAX: Er - what is a blog?
BLOGGS: Google it.
MANPAX: Uh - Google?
[FX: Approaching footsteps.]
GOOGLE: Yes?
MANPAX: Define 'blog'.
GOOGLE: Are you feeling lucky?
MANPAX: Only when I get Marisa in the sack. Define 'blog'.
GOOGLE: One moment, sir.
[FX: Dial-up screeching.]
MANPAX: Bloody dial-up. What is this? The stone ages? And where is my coffee?
MARISA: [FX: Heavy item being dragged.] Here, Mr Manpax.
MANPAX: That's not 260GB!
MARISA: Actually, it's 480.
MANPAX: Oh. Spiffing. What took you so long?
MARISA: Dial-up.
[FX: Ping!]
GOOGLE: Blog. Noun. Shortened from 'web log', it is a log of stuff... on the web.
MANPAX: And where did you find that?
GOOGLE: Urbandictionary.com.
MANPAX: Alright. Sod off then.
GOOGLE: Are you feeling lucky?
[FX: Crash!]
MARISA: You've crashed Google!
MANPAX: Nobody will notice.