A Lunatics Rant No. One
Ok, first off, WTF?! Why do people have to be the downfall of any and all good feelings in this world?! I don't know the answer, someone tell me!
Warning: Rant ahead. extreme bitching, whining, emokid-ness, swearing, etc. Prepare to be offended in one way or another as I release the words that are eating Chibi right the fuck up.
To whom it may concern,
Theres a bajillion fucking things that run through my head a day, and when I finally thought I got over one, it resurfaces because of some grudge someone else had to bring up! In turn, it brings back up the fucking topic, and gets me thinking about it again! I already got rid of it! Now I gotta do it again!?
You say that you did all this stuff for me, and didn't expect much except that I pay you some mind! You had me thinking "I'm the worst person in the world! I'm a selfish little bitch that thinks of no one but herself!" You know what though? I wasn't the only selfish one you know!
I never told you to do any of that stuff for me! I never told you to spend 500 fucking dollars for me! Did I? No, that's what I thought!! It was your "appology" on everyone elses behalf huh? Well, I didn't ask for the sympathy or appology now did I? Nope again!
You expected me to just drop my entire life, for two weeks because you showed up! You expeced me to be close to a person I'd only met for the first time! I was hugging a fucking stranger! I've known my other friends so many years more than I've known you! Maybe they made me feel secure with this stranger I had to share my house with? Did you even take into consideration that maybe I was a little scared? That I'd never met anyone in this situation before you? That I told you all my deepest darkest fucking secrets and I might have been a little fucking akward?! Did you ever think of that? Obviously the fuck not!
You know I'm a paranoid fucking mess. That I worry about stupid shit that doesn't or shouldn't matter. I make up things that don't exist and I convince myself that they're true, just incase they are!
Another thing I'm sure you didn't think about is the fact that, I've spent my whole life surrounded by people. Smothered by people that for some reason want to cling to me like fucking flies to fresh shit! I know you never had that, and that's why you always want to be around, be close, be fucking clingy. I'm not though! I'm not clingy, I'm always up for the good ol' 'lets be joined at the fucking hip' routine! Sometime it's really nice to be close to someone. Sometimes you need that, but when you are ALWAYS. FUCKING. TRAPPED. You don't always want that! Just like if you're always fucking alone, you get sick and tired of it and just always want to be around people, but sometimes it's kind of nice to chill out by yourself. Don't bother even saying, 'no, I never like being by myself; because we both know it's a fucking lie if you do! If you had someone constantly nagging at you, 'lets go do something' 'come play with me' 'I'm bored, let me smother myself over you because I'm so fucking obsessed with you' you'd wanna be left the fuck alone every once and a while!
Then you were violent and crude! I didn't grow up the same way that you did! I can't swear, and be racist like you! I don't have the fight in me to smack people, unless you're really fucking annoying me, or unlessyou hit me first! Even then it's only on the arm, shoulder of leg and then I APPOLOGIZE. For god knows WHAT reason. You were so barbaric.. sure, I may have been aswell.. but not like that. Did you just not even fucking care how you would act around the people that wouldn't do half of what you would? Even if you didn't get mad at almost everything?
It was all awesome when I first met you. Believe you me. With the constantly having someone there, someone always begging for your fucking attention. It gets old really really fucking fast! I understand that two weeks may not seem like a very long time, but it is. It's 14 days. That's half of a fucking month, and good lord, I was ready to spazz out by the end of that fucking two weeks.
ANOTHER THING! (It may not have happened on your visit, but god damnit, I'm gonna fucking tell you off for it here.) I don't have to tell you every. fucking. thing. And you're fucking selfish not to realize this! If I don't want to tell you, I don't fucking want to tell you! Why should I have to? So you can feel a sense of success? Like someone trusts you? Like you have fucking dirt you can pull up to use on someone else should they piss you off?! WHY?! How the fuck can one person be so insecure? If no one wants to tell you anything, who gives a shit? I'm sure they have their reasons! Just don't fucking tell anyone your issues! And hey, if you're someone that needs to tell people what the hell is wrong with you, then do it, just don't fucking bitch that no one tells you anything!
Thank you [/rant]
I don't know if the person this is applied to will ever read this, and I don't really want her to. I just needed to get it out before it killed my fucking insides and drove away more people than it is already doing.
SO, if you actually read it, then, uhh, that's cool. If you didn't well, that's cool too.
-Chibi
Ps. To those that have had to deal with my random insane bouts of anger, I think I've found one of the major components. Let's hope there isn't too many more.
Warning: Rant ahead. extreme bitching, whining, emokid-ness, swearing, etc. Prepare to be offended in one way or another as I release the words that are eating Chibi right the fuck up.
To whom it may concern,
Theres a bajillion fucking things that run through my head a day, and when I finally thought I got over one, it resurfaces because of some grudge someone else had to bring up! In turn, it brings back up the fucking topic, and gets me thinking about it again! I already got rid of it! Now I gotta do it again!?
You say that you did all this stuff for me, and didn't expect much except that I pay you some mind! You had me thinking "I'm the worst person in the world! I'm a selfish little bitch that thinks of no one but herself!" You know what though? I wasn't the only selfish one you know!
I never told you to do any of that stuff for me! I never told you to spend 500 fucking dollars for me! Did I? No, that's what I thought!! It was your "appology" on everyone elses behalf huh? Well, I didn't ask for the sympathy or appology now did I? Nope again!
You expected me to just drop my entire life, for two weeks because you showed up! You expeced me to be close to a person I'd only met for the first time! I was hugging a fucking stranger! I've known my other friends so many years more than I've known you! Maybe they made me feel secure with this stranger I had to share my house with? Did you even take into consideration that maybe I was a little scared? That I'd never met anyone in this situation before you? That I told you all my deepest darkest fucking secrets and I might have been a little fucking akward?! Did you ever think of that? Obviously the fuck not!
You know I'm a paranoid fucking mess. That I worry about stupid shit that doesn't or shouldn't matter. I make up things that don't exist and I convince myself that they're true, just incase they are!
Another thing I'm sure you didn't think about is the fact that, I've spent my whole life surrounded by people. Smothered by people that for some reason want to cling to me like fucking flies to fresh shit! I know you never had that, and that's why you always want to be around, be close, be fucking clingy. I'm not though! I'm not clingy, I'm always up for the good ol' 'lets be joined at the fucking hip' routine! Sometime it's really nice to be close to someone. Sometimes you need that, but when you are ALWAYS. FUCKING. TRAPPED. You don't always want that! Just like if you're always fucking alone, you get sick and tired of it and just always want to be around people, but sometimes it's kind of nice to chill out by yourself. Don't bother even saying, 'no, I never like being by myself; because we both know it's a fucking lie if you do! If you had someone constantly nagging at you, 'lets go do something' 'come play with me' 'I'm bored, let me smother myself over you because I'm so fucking obsessed with you' you'd wanna be left the fuck alone every once and a while!
Then you were violent and crude! I didn't grow up the same way that you did! I can't swear, and be racist like you! I don't have the fight in me to smack people, unless you're really fucking annoying me, or unlessyou hit me first! Even then it's only on the arm, shoulder of leg and then I APPOLOGIZE. For god knows WHAT reason. You were so barbaric.. sure, I may have been aswell.. but not like that. Did you just not even fucking care how you would act around the people that wouldn't do half of what you would? Even if you didn't get mad at almost everything?
It was all awesome when I first met you. Believe you me. With the constantly having someone there, someone always begging for your fucking attention. It gets old really really fucking fast! I understand that two weeks may not seem like a very long time, but it is. It's 14 days. That's half of a fucking month, and good lord, I was ready to spazz out by the end of that fucking two weeks.
ANOTHER THING! (It may not have happened on your visit, but god damnit, I'm gonna fucking tell you off for it here.) I don't have to tell you every. fucking. thing. And you're fucking selfish not to realize this! If I don't want to tell you, I don't fucking want to tell you! Why should I have to? So you can feel a sense of success? Like someone trusts you? Like you have fucking dirt you can pull up to use on someone else should they piss you off?! WHY?! How the fuck can one person be so insecure? If no one wants to tell you anything, who gives a shit? I'm sure they have their reasons! Just don't fucking tell anyone your issues! And hey, if you're someone that needs to tell people what the hell is wrong with you, then do it, just don't fucking bitch that no one tells you anything!
Thank you [/rant]
I don't know if the person this is applied to will ever read this, and I don't really want her to. I just needed to get it out before it killed my fucking insides and drove away more people than it is already doing.
SO, if you actually read it, then, uhh, that's cool. If you didn't well, that's cool too.
-Chibi
Ps. To those that have had to deal with my random insane bouts of anger, I think I've found one of the major components. Let's hope there isn't too many more.