Viva la vida (part two)
I seriously hate working. I want more to life than a freaking investment bank (or the lack thereof). I'm at a great company, make great money, share a decent apartment and I want more. I want to be challenged...work is so, so boring. I know I have to put in my time to climb the corporate ladder, but it's like - do I really want to sacrifice the best years of my life, my livelihood, my ability to actually contribute in order to sit at a desk and do busy work? It kills me already and I'm only 23! What happens when I'm 25! 27!? Dare I say it..but what happens when I'm 30!?
I know I'm advanced for my age. I'm aware of all I bring to the table. I know what I can do. The thing that keeps me going is my insatiable desire to work my way to influence. I want to do it all, but mostly, I want to make those who I care for happy and comfortable. I want to be able to let them see the world for what it is; a fascinating place. I want my dad and my sisters to be able to go wherever they want, for money to not be an option. My job is a placeholder...a 50 hour a week placeholder, but it affords me the capital to do what I need to do; it is a conduit for my success. I do believe in my ability, but I don't believe in my application. It seems like after the magic that was "earlier this year," I've reverted back to being fundamentally shy and introverted. I really need to step out of that, but at the same time, it is truly a part of who I am. It's okay, I'll deal with that.
Mark my words though --- if I set my mind to it, I can do anything. Since the CFA ended (and the interminable wait until the final results), I've been trying to get back whatever social life I thought I had. It's hard to always make plans, so I often find myself alone with my thoughts. I've been reading a lot of Bret Easton Ellis - almost done with all of his books at this point. Then I may get back into Ayn Rand and read a few finance books. As long as I'm bettering myself, I'll be okay. I recently registered for a Japanese course. Pretty much, if I have to stay at this stupid job, I'm going to spice it up. I'm going to learn Japanese and work abroad when I'm 25, I think. The classes start next week and I'm really excited. Apparently it's a 2 person class, so a lot of attention...I'm so happy about that! I'm also starting piano lessons next week. I really want to get back into music. I know I have the ability to play and read music (done it already), so piano will be my gateway back into things. Strangely enough, I was reacquainted with my trombone recently...so I'm probably going to start playing that if time allows. It's never too late. I also sent out a request to volunteer at the Harlem Children's Zone in my free time. Hopefully I'll be volunteering there soon...and I expect to learn as much from the kids as they hopefully will learn from me. And maybe, just maybe, since no action is truly a function of selfless altruism, I'll learn just a little bit more more about myself.
Looking back on it, I've had a very atypical childhood. So many events forced me to grow up fast and also repress a lot of what normal kids take for granted. So many times I wondered why I wasn't really happy or why I was weird or different...and now I realize that this awareness and feeling the way I did is a direct catalyst for the person I am today. Good or bad, I am a consummation of life experiences gone well, or gone awry. Now the question isn't why I'm different - I embrace that - the question becomes, "what am I going to do to change myself, change my family's lives, and ultimately change the world?" Business school for one. May sound corny but I will pay $100K for a network, if need be. This is what I'm passionate about. By thirty, I want to have pioneered an education/volunteer initiative, get my MBA from Harvard (and really nowhere else, but I guess I'd go to Stanford or MIT), worked overseas in Tokyo, be fluent in Japanese as well as Spanish, be musically inclined (piano)...really, I just want it all. And why can't I have it all? Why can't we all get what we want?
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I know I'm advanced for my age. I'm aware of all I bring to the table. I know what I can do. The thing that keeps me going is my insatiable desire to work my way to influence. I want to do it all, but mostly, I want to make those who I care for happy and comfortable. I want to be able to let them see the world for what it is; a fascinating place. I want my dad and my sisters to be able to go wherever they want, for money to not be an option. My job is a placeholder...a 50 hour a week placeholder, but it affords me the capital to do what I need to do; it is a conduit for my success. I do believe in my ability, but I don't believe in my application. It seems like after the magic that was "earlier this year," I've reverted back to being fundamentally shy and introverted. I really need to step out of that, but at the same time, it is truly a part of who I am. It's okay, I'll deal with that.
Mark my words though --- if I set my mind to it, I can do anything. Since the CFA ended (and the interminable wait until the final results), I've been trying to get back whatever social life I thought I had. It's hard to always make plans, so I often find myself alone with my thoughts. I've been reading a lot of Bret Easton Ellis - almost done with all of his books at this point. Then I may get back into Ayn Rand and read a few finance books. As long as I'm bettering myself, I'll be okay. I recently registered for a Japanese course. Pretty much, if I have to stay at this stupid job, I'm going to spice it up. I'm going to learn Japanese and work abroad when I'm 25, I think. The classes start next week and I'm really excited. Apparently it's a 2 person class, so a lot of attention...I'm so happy about that! I'm also starting piano lessons next week. I really want to get back into music. I know I have the ability to play and read music (done it already), so piano will be my gateway back into things. Strangely enough, I was reacquainted with my trombone recently...so I'm probably going to start playing that if time allows. It's never too late. I also sent out a request to volunteer at the Harlem Children's Zone in my free time. Hopefully I'll be volunteering there soon...and I expect to learn as much from the kids as they hopefully will learn from me. And maybe, just maybe, since no action is truly a function of selfless altruism, I'll learn just a little bit more more about myself.
Looking back on it, I've had a very atypical childhood. So many events forced me to grow up fast and also repress a lot of what normal kids take for granted. So many times I wondered why I wasn't really happy or why I was weird or different...and now I realize that this awareness and feeling the way I did is a direct catalyst for the person I am today. Good or bad, I am a consummation of life experiences gone well, or gone awry. Now the question isn't why I'm different - I embrace that - the question becomes, "what am I going to do to change myself, change my family's lives, and ultimately change the world?" Business school for one. May sound corny but I will pay $100K for a network, if need be. This is what I'm passionate about. By thirty, I want to have pioneered an education/volunteer initiative, get my MBA from Harvard (and really nowhere else, but I guess I'd go to Stanford or MIT), worked overseas in Tokyo, be fluent in Japanese as well as Spanish, be musically inclined (piano)...really, I just want it all. And why can't I have it all? Why can't we all get what we want?
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