Hate
Why am I not good enough?
I hate myself, with an undieing passion.
God fucking damn.
I am like, filled with dispare. "Fuck you, bitch" thats what I want you all to say to me now when I speak to you. I do not deserve kind words or love.
I'm fat, ugly, and everything I do falls apart.
If it wasnt for Jonny, I would be dead right now, I hope you all know.
I had my suicide planned out, it was perfect. No one would know, and no one would be able to stop me. See, I was going to take the trash out, a common chore I do, then just.. keep walking, walk down the lil hill and down the block or so to the walking bridge. Then I was going to walk to the middle of it and there I was going to climb up and just.. jump.
Either that or I was going to get really really really stoned then just OD.
Thats another one of my damn problems. I'm a god damn stoner. At first it was just a few times, here and there, then it was on just the weekends. Then it was the weekends and just one night. I'm up to about 5 out of 7 days of the week. I havent been not high during the weekend since..... uhm, June.
I think its making me worse tho. My OCD is out of fucking control, and I am more depressed than the entire world could realize. Weed is a depressant I suppose, and LACED weed makes it all the worse.
I am also one hell of a smoker. These things bring me joy while I participate in them, but afterwords leave me filled with guilt. Also paranoid, because I know I'll eventually get caught, I always do, and then my life will be even worse.
And another problem, I keep consuming food. I am so fat that I cannot understand how jonny puts up with me. I am one pound fatter than I have ever been in my entire life. Me and Florentina (aka Crystal to most) are really good friends, as is me and Chelsea Donner, and I feel so discusting hugging them, they are so small and I am just fat.
I want someone to kill me. I want to be apart of a drive by shooting. I want to accidently get weed that is laced with cocaine so I will die the first time I smoke it.
I hate me.
I am not ok.
I am worse than ever.
I love Jonny as much as I want to die.
And oh, holy hell, that is a lot.
I hate myself, with an undieing passion.
God fucking damn.
I am like, filled with dispare. "Fuck you, bitch" thats what I want you all to say to me now when I speak to you. I do not deserve kind words or love.
I'm fat, ugly, and everything I do falls apart.
If it wasnt for Jonny, I would be dead right now, I hope you all know.
I had my suicide planned out, it was perfect. No one would know, and no one would be able to stop me. See, I was going to take the trash out, a common chore I do, then just.. keep walking, walk down the lil hill and down the block or so to the walking bridge. Then I was going to walk to the middle of it and there I was going to climb up and just.. jump.
Either that or I was going to get really really really stoned then just OD.
Thats another one of my damn problems. I'm a god damn stoner. At first it was just a few times, here and there, then it was on just the weekends. Then it was the weekends and just one night. I'm up to about 5 out of 7 days of the week. I havent been not high during the weekend since..... uhm, June.
I think its making me worse tho. My OCD is out of fucking control, and I am more depressed than the entire world could realize. Weed is a depressant I suppose, and LACED weed makes it all the worse.
I am also one hell of a smoker. These things bring me joy while I participate in them, but afterwords leave me filled with guilt. Also paranoid, because I know I'll eventually get caught, I always do, and then my life will be even worse.
And another problem, I keep consuming food. I am so fat that I cannot understand how jonny puts up with me. I am one pound fatter than I have ever been in my entire life. Me and Florentina (aka Crystal to most) are really good friends, as is me and Chelsea Donner, and I feel so discusting hugging them, they are so small and I am just fat.
I want someone to kill me. I want to be apart of a drive by shooting. I want to accidently get weed that is laced with cocaine so I will die the first time I smoke it.
I hate me.
I am not ok.
I am worse than ever.
I love Jonny as much as I want to die.
And oh, holy hell, that is a lot.