Tips for working with Tech support
1: Do not start bitching and yelling when you hear us talk. We have shit to ask you, do not intrrupt us. Trust us, we will help you, just let us do what we need to.
2. Slowly give your phone number. It isn't a race to see how fast you can rattle it out. And on that note, please have it ready to say WHEN you call in, not look for it when we ask. If we miss your number cause you're an ass, or if we're making sure we have it right...
3. Don't start off telling us what has been happening for the last three months. Honestly, we don't care. We groan when we hear 'so this is what's happened...' or 'It started like this...' So if you can't connect, don't exagerate and tell a sob story. Just say you can't get online.
4: If we ask you to do something, please do it. We don't need to know that you did that with the tech yesterday or that you do it 5 times a day. We can't do anything with notes from yesterday or a previous tech, don't attempt to guilt us, we just can't.
5.You may be a fancy computer person, know a ton of tricks and back ways into things and like to show us how stupid we are, don't. You just end up pissing us off and making things more difficult. Just follow instructions like the rest of the box of crayons, we don't care if you're the shiney one.
6. Know your computer. Now, I don't mean be an expert, we don't expect that you are or you wouldn't be calling us. Just know how to use the mouse and keyboard and know where your internet icon is and your start button. If you don't know any of this, please put your computer into a box and send it back to the manufacturer, it wasn't doing you any good anyways.
7. If you are not home, DO NOT CALL. Don't call if you're on the way home. Don't call if you're in the mountains and jonny can't get online. Have jonny call. We don't verify.
8. Keep in mind we can only work with what you say. Also keep in mind that we think all of you are liars. Please note that most of you are.
9. No eating on the phone. You don't live in a society that endorces that. It's nasty as hell and makes you seem more like the redneck that you probably are.
10. Keep your children away from the phone. Not the teens, we appreciate those when they know what they're doing. I'm talking about the toddlers that grab at the phone and shove it in their mouth. Or the babies screaming while they're in your lap. It hurts. Put them in their bed, they can live without your presence for 10 minutes.
11. SPEAK ENGLISH. You are using OUR tech support in America. Learn the language or deal with shitty service. This also includes the rednecks, hicks, and 'gangstas'. 'Brung' and 'gots' is not english, not even in England. (joking, I love you guys)
12. If you got disconnected before, don't get pissed at who you get next. We didn't do it, and if you bitch at us about it, we can and will get bitter. Be nice to the people HELPING you.
13. If the words 'click on __*insert here*__' come from our mouths......yes, we mean click on it. Same as 'please go to...' yes, click or go to what we just said. Unlike in kindergarden, we don't have to or want to hold your hand to take a piss. You're an adult now, think like one.
14. Don't be quiet. If something comes up on the page, we can't see it. TELL US WHAT IT SAYS. We can't help you if you don't tell us what goes on.
15. On the off hand of that. Tell us what we ask. If we say 'there's an error number that is...' read the damn number and end it. Don't read off the entire thing. It gets old really quick.
16. For those who don't know. You can have muliple programs/windows up at the same time. DON'T CLOSE THEM UNLESS WE TELL YOU TO! I'm not even joking on this one. There is nothing more annoying than trying to go back to a window and hearing 'oh, I closed it because you told me to open something else up'.
17. Please understand this. Your email client (that little program that you open every morning to see who mailed you) is not the internet. So when we ask you if your internet is working while you can't send email, don't say it's up when you have your email up. It isn't the internet.
18. If we tell you that you are in an outage. Say thank you and leave. Don't bitch. We don't give a fuck if you work from home. Honestly, we don't. There are businesses that are in the outage too. And guess what, they have no internet either. Suck it up and go outside.
19. If we tell you that we don't support it. Do Not start giving us a sob story that you've been on with different people. If we don't support it, WE DON'T SUPPORT IT.
20. And since this one happened. Don't ask stupid questions and then yell/curse at us for repeating ourselves. If we say, 'enter in these numbers in the address bar.' don't ask if we want you to put in 'www.' before it. We pick our words carefully for a reason. Obviously if we didn't say it, don't do it.
I could keep going on and on with this....but I'll end with just one more very big one...
21. Do not yell at us, do not berade us, do not curse at us. We can and will boot your ass off the line. We are required to give one warning, after that we disconnect you. Do not demand we show you respect because you pay our salary. First off....HA! Salary? right, I wish. Second, you don't pay a fucking cent. All tech support is outsorced. We get paid by who we work for. Which, don't know who told your conceded ass this, isn't you. You called us for help, right? Show us respect and shut the fuck up and listen. You do this, not only will we be off the phone quicker to deal with the next dick head with an issue, but you can go on with your life as well.
2. Slowly give your phone number. It isn't a race to see how fast you can rattle it out. And on that note, please have it ready to say WHEN you call in, not look for it when we ask. If we miss your number cause you're an ass, or if we're making sure we have it right...
3. Don't start off telling us what has been happening for the last three months. Honestly, we don't care. We groan when we hear 'so this is what's happened...' or 'It started like this...' So if you can't connect, don't exagerate and tell a sob story. Just say you can't get online.
4: If we ask you to do something, please do it. We don't need to know that you did that with the tech yesterday or that you do it 5 times a day. We can't do anything with notes from yesterday or a previous tech, don't attempt to guilt us, we just can't.
5.You may be a fancy computer person, know a ton of tricks and back ways into things and like to show us how stupid we are, don't. You just end up pissing us off and making things more difficult. Just follow instructions like the rest of the box of crayons, we don't care if you're the shiney one.
6. Know your computer. Now, I don't mean be an expert, we don't expect that you are or you wouldn't be calling us. Just know how to use the mouse and keyboard and know where your internet icon is and your start button. If you don't know any of this, please put your computer into a box and send it back to the manufacturer, it wasn't doing you any good anyways.
7. If you are not home, DO NOT CALL. Don't call if you're on the way home. Don't call if you're in the mountains and jonny can't get online. Have jonny call. We don't verify.
8. Keep in mind we can only work with what you say. Also keep in mind that we think all of you are liars. Please note that most of you are.
9. No eating on the phone. You don't live in a society that endorces that. It's nasty as hell and makes you seem more like the redneck that you probably are.
10. Keep your children away from the phone. Not the teens, we appreciate those when they know what they're doing. I'm talking about the toddlers that grab at the phone and shove it in their mouth. Or the babies screaming while they're in your lap. It hurts. Put them in their bed, they can live without your presence for 10 minutes.
11. SPEAK ENGLISH. You are using OUR tech support in America. Learn the language or deal with shitty service. This also includes the rednecks, hicks, and 'gangstas'. 'Brung' and 'gots' is not english, not even in England. (joking, I love you guys)
12. If you got disconnected before, don't get pissed at who you get next. We didn't do it, and if you bitch at us about it, we can and will get bitter. Be nice to the people HELPING you.
13. If the words 'click on __*insert here*__' come from our mouths......yes, we mean click on it. Same as 'please go to...' yes, click or go to what we just said. Unlike in kindergarden, we don't have to or want to hold your hand to take a piss. You're an adult now, think like one.
14. Don't be quiet. If something comes up on the page, we can't see it. TELL US WHAT IT SAYS. We can't help you if you don't tell us what goes on.
15. On the off hand of that. Tell us what we ask. If we say 'there's an error number that is...' read the damn number and end it. Don't read off the entire thing. It gets old really quick.
16. For those who don't know. You can have muliple programs/windows up at the same time. DON'T CLOSE THEM UNLESS WE TELL YOU TO! I'm not even joking on this one. There is nothing more annoying than trying to go back to a window and hearing 'oh, I closed it because you told me to open something else up'.
17. Please understand this. Your email client (that little program that you open every morning to see who mailed you) is not the internet. So when we ask you if your internet is working while you can't send email, don't say it's up when you have your email up. It isn't the internet.
18. If we tell you that you are in an outage. Say thank you and leave. Don't bitch. We don't give a fuck if you work from home. Honestly, we don't. There are businesses that are in the outage too. And guess what, they have no internet either. Suck it up and go outside.
19. If we tell you that we don't support it. Do Not start giving us a sob story that you've been on with different people. If we don't support it, WE DON'T SUPPORT IT.
20. And since this one happened. Don't ask stupid questions and then yell/curse at us for repeating ourselves. If we say, 'enter in these numbers in the address bar.' don't ask if we want you to put in 'www.' before it. We pick our words carefully for a reason. Obviously if we didn't say it, don't do it.
I could keep going on and on with this....but I'll end with just one more very big one...
21. Do not yell at us, do not berade us, do not curse at us. We can and will boot your ass off the line. We are required to give one warning, after that we disconnect you. Do not demand we show you respect because you pay our salary. First off....HA! Salary? right, I wish. Second, you don't pay a fucking cent. All tech support is outsorced. We get paid by who we work for. Which, don't know who told your conceded ass this, isn't you. You called us for help, right? Show us respect and shut the fuck up and listen. You do this, not only will we be off the phone quicker to deal with the next dick head with an issue, but you can go on with your life as well.