APRIL 17TH 2009
I think I used to be strong minded.
But I don't know. I can't remember.
It feels like I'm letting go , and my mind is drifting slowly down a spiral , losing control.
It seems to me , I only want to think of a time when I was younger and had a few friends.
A few is better than none.
I used to get six weeks of holiday from school.
Six weeks to do whatever we wanted.
We were younger then. So my brother , sister , and myself spent a lot of time playing together.
We all used to play and join in with other kids from around our area.
Also , our family was a lot closer then , too.
My mind is stuck , wanting to live in those times , for as long as I will live.
But reality always gets in the way.
The realisation that I am not that young anymore , and those kids have grown up , and those times will never be again.
I think those times were the happiest I ever was , without realising it at the time.
I don't want to grow up. Not yet. I'm not ready.
Yet the world I'm living in today is built on money and greed , and is forcing me to be like everyone else, and waste my life away in a job , gaining money only to survive.
There's no enjoyment in that , no life.
Why should humans exist , but not live?
I don't understand.
My life and age according to others , is still young. Yet I've been forced into responsibilities and debt I don't want.
Who cares that it's apparently 'Fantastic' to have a mortgage at my current age , let alone from the age of 18.
Not me.
I want to learn.
Have no money if It be.
There are three main things keeping me here :
Music , Family , and Art.
That's all.
That's why sometimes my problems can come close to overpowering my thoughts and make me want to go.
I'm in this life with an uneven balance of negative and positive things.
The three things above , are on the positive.
Just about every other aspect of my life is on the negative.
Weighing me down.
Making me sad.
Well, I am here.
But I do not 'Live' .