Failure still hurts when you're expecting it, apparently.
The first rejection letter came today. I'm taking it a lot harder than I thought I would, given I wasn't expecting any of my applications to succeed. I think the fact that I wasn't prepared for the information and was unable to process it at the time hasn't helped. What happened was, Dad passed me an envelope saying it was a letter from my employer so I tore it open without thinking or even looking at what it was. He was still talking to me while I was trying to read the letter so it took a bit for me to process what it was and what it said. If I'd looked at the envelope before opening I would have noticed that it wasn't branded with the company's name (as all correspondence from them is) and I would have known where it was from and what was inside. Reading the letter would have just been a formality, rather than a brick of disappointment being dropped on my head.
Luckily for me, I guess, I had to go to work almost straight away and managed to focus on that for most of the night. I seem to have pushed all my disappointment to the back of my mind, but I'm still noticing some outward signs that I'm not as ok with it as I'm telling myself I am. Mostly I'm just really irritable/mopey and getting pissed off and every little thing. Typical me XP
The thing is, I shouldn't be this upset. I knew this would happen. I really did. I mean, I've been doing the best I can to kid myself and everyone around me that I had a chance, but I always knew that even applying was pointless. Despite what everyone says about the selection process being about more than just marks, you need to good marks for them to even look at the other stuff. It doesn't matter what an awesome and hardworking person I am. It doesn't matter how much I want this or how hard I would work and how much I would appreciate the opportunity. It doesn't matter that all I want is to do something useful with my life and will do just about anything to achieve that at this point...because I stuffed up *one* assignment and nobody would cut me any slack the one time I needed it, nobody will even give my applications a second glance. I guess I've been ignoring that information as best I can but seeing it there in black and white brought it all home.
Which leaves me thinking, "is this it?" Is this all my life will ever amount to? Surely this can't be the rest of my life. Surely I haven't worked my ass of for four years, sacrificing any semblance of "having a life" and allowing my physical and mental health to decline at an alarming rate in the final year just to spend the rest of my life wiping other people's butts and being run over by their electric wheelchairs. Surely I'm not meant to do this forever. When I think about that I feel like I could almost cry. Almost, but not quite. If I'm taking it this hard when I *expected* to fail, what the hell is going to happen when I get rejected for the ones I almost thought I had a shot at?
I think I could do with some of that 'social support' crap I keep seeing and reading about people giving each other. The thing I would give to my friends if they'd let me anywhere near them when they needed it. What's the point, though? Even if I did "reach out" or some crap, nobody wants to listen to me. People like me best when I'm happy and smiley and don't want to know me when I'm having not happy feelings. That's ok, I don't particularly want to be around myself right now, either. Trouble is *I'm* stuck with me, whether I like it or not. Anyway, I'm a big girl and I can take care of myself. I'm used to it, anyway. Haven't accidentally destroyed myself yet, have I?
Luckily for me, I guess, I had to go to work almost straight away and managed to focus on that for most of the night. I seem to have pushed all my disappointment to the back of my mind, but I'm still noticing some outward signs that I'm not as ok with it as I'm telling myself I am. Mostly I'm just really irritable/mopey and getting pissed off and every little thing. Typical me XP
The thing is, I shouldn't be this upset. I knew this would happen. I really did. I mean, I've been doing the best I can to kid myself and everyone around me that I had a chance, but I always knew that even applying was pointless. Despite what everyone says about the selection process being about more than just marks, you need to good marks for them to even look at the other stuff. It doesn't matter what an awesome and hardworking person I am. It doesn't matter how much I want this or how hard I would work and how much I would appreciate the opportunity. It doesn't matter that all I want is to do something useful with my life and will do just about anything to achieve that at this point...because I stuffed up *one* assignment and nobody would cut me any slack the one time I needed it, nobody will even give my applications a second glance. I guess I've been ignoring that information as best I can but seeing it there in black and white brought it all home.
Which leaves me thinking, "is this it?" Is this all my life will ever amount to? Surely this can't be the rest of my life. Surely I haven't worked my ass of for four years, sacrificing any semblance of "having a life" and allowing my physical and mental health to decline at an alarming rate in the final year just to spend the rest of my life wiping other people's butts and being run over by their electric wheelchairs. Surely I'm not meant to do this forever. When I think about that I feel like I could almost cry. Almost, but not quite. If I'm taking it this hard when I *expected* to fail, what the hell is going to happen when I get rejected for the ones I almost thought I had a shot at?
I think I could do with some of that 'social support' crap I keep seeing and reading about people giving each other. The thing I would give to my friends if they'd let me anywhere near them when they needed it. What's the point, though? Even if I did "reach out" or some crap, nobody wants to listen to me. People like me best when I'm happy and smiley and don't want to know me when I'm having not happy feelings. That's ok, I don't particularly want to be around myself right now, either. Trouble is *I'm* stuck with me, whether I like it or not. Anyway, I'm a big girl and I can take care of myself. I'm used to it, anyway. Haven't accidentally destroyed myself yet, have I?