Just thinking
Im having an extremely bad day today. I don't know why. It's a day away from work so you'd think I'd be able to enjoy it, but sadly I can't.
It's days like today I realize that I'll never again be 130 pounds, and even if I do somehow manage to get to that weight again...nothing will ever be in the same places that it was in jr high. When I first went on my diet a few years ago, I thought Id just lose the weight and look the same as I used to, wrong. Everything looked different. My body had shifted over the years and it's not going to shift back correctly. And now I've gained 20 pounts from what Id lost and Im doing everything but starving myself to lose it again and nothing's working. My metabolism is just stuck in its position now.I do okay somedays, wearing clothing that help hide the fact I'm no longer proud of my body. But it hurts, everytime I try to find something to wear that won't make me look jiggly and odd shapen. Getting dressed is an everyday hassle for me anymore. It depresses me to no end. I actually wish my job had uniforms so I wouldn't have to stress about what to wear daily. People always say you can't live in the past, but that doesn't make me not want to. There's days that I feel like I can accomplish whatever I need to, then there's days like this that I realize Im never again going to be that small girl with thick flowing hair that I once was. All I have anymore is heavy makeup and trick camera angles to make me feel prettier than I am. That's not much to rely on either especially since trick camera angles don't do much good when you're hanging out with people and feel self conscious. Sometimes I feel like working where I do causes these thoughts as well. Working at a place where every where you turn there's a small gorgeous girl in every corner. Most of which look at you like youre a dirty little scrubby thing. I'm tired of fighting with my weight and losing...I just want to eat a whole gallon of ice cream, a whole large pizza, and a box of crackers with spray cheese and be done with it.
I miss being cute and small with curves where they need to be and not everywhere. I miss having beautiful hair that I don't have to fight with for hours just to end up a frizzy mess. I miss feeling attractive and cocky. Im just so tired of being in my own skin right now.
It's days like today I realize that I'll never again be 130 pounds, and even if I do somehow manage to get to that weight again...nothing will ever be in the same places that it was in jr high. When I first went on my diet a few years ago, I thought Id just lose the weight and look the same as I used to, wrong. Everything looked different. My body had shifted over the years and it's not going to shift back correctly. And now I've gained 20 pounts from what Id lost and Im doing everything but starving myself to lose it again and nothing's working. My metabolism is just stuck in its position now.I do okay somedays, wearing clothing that help hide the fact I'm no longer proud of my body. But it hurts, everytime I try to find something to wear that won't make me look jiggly and odd shapen. Getting dressed is an everyday hassle for me anymore. It depresses me to no end. I actually wish my job had uniforms so I wouldn't have to stress about what to wear daily. People always say you can't live in the past, but that doesn't make me not want to. There's days that I feel like I can accomplish whatever I need to, then there's days like this that I realize Im never again going to be that small girl with thick flowing hair that I once was. All I have anymore is heavy makeup and trick camera angles to make me feel prettier than I am. That's not much to rely on either especially since trick camera angles don't do much good when you're hanging out with people and feel self conscious. Sometimes I feel like working where I do causes these thoughts as well. Working at a place where every where you turn there's a small gorgeous girl in every corner. Most of which look at you like youre a dirty little scrubby thing. I'm tired of fighting with my weight and losing...I just want to eat a whole gallon of ice cream, a whole large pizza, and a box of crackers with spray cheese and be done with it.
I miss being cute and small with curves where they need to be and not everywhere. I miss having beautiful hair that I don't have to fight with for hours just to end up a frizzy mess. I miss feeling attractive and cocky. Im just so tired of being in my own skin right now.