Anxiety Issues
Warning! This is very LONG! Please don't start to just skim it, its hardly worth it then lol
If you're going to read it, I suggest you get you a nice bowl of popcorn, and brew you some tea
(not sure if anyone even eats popcorn while drinking tea...I would)
And get comfy while you read this bit of ranting, random, piece of my life
Some parts are funny
Cont. of last post and friggin rant about the junk I've been through in my life....
I guess a lot of my problems stem from the fact I have anxiety issues...
It's just so weird it's like everything I post anymore gets taken the wrong way.
It happened again recently...
I don't really understand why it was taken as it was? I thought I worded it nicely? I guess I didn't...I'm sort of getting to the point
where it's almost exhausting for me to talk to people on the sites I'm on. It's like I think I'm being nice, they don't...so I end up
walking on eggshells so I don't offend people and still issues seem to blow up like they did on DA and the other sites
I try to be nice when I say things but a lot of people online seem to act or think I seem pushy or arrogant...but that's probably due to the fact I'm socially awkward...
when I first meet someone in real life I'm usually scared to talk it's just how I am...My husband's friends all thought I was a snob when I first met them because I was afraid to talk for weeks to them...I have new people anxiety and other social anxiety...so I guess I come off as odd
But I always thought online I had no problems with that? But I guess I did..er I just do *shrugs*
Personally I'm just suggesting maybe that's it because here's the facts
I say things nicely...I mean them nicely...I mean no harm to anyone
and then people always take it like I'm pushy, arrogant, or a bitch.
So I guess I'm suggesting that since even thought I'm nice and it's taken wrong
it's because of the way I say things or present things...but it's me and I can't help how I do that..
I don't see anything wrong with how I do it, but it seems others do...so I guess I am odd and word things odd
and I guess I'm saying maybe it is odd...I don't know...I'm socially inept so I have no clue how to
"correctly be social"
and also...if I were trying to be one of those things....trust me you'd have no doubts...you'd KNOW I meant it that way
I'd make it known. If something really pisses me off or I feel the need to be hateful about something
It wouldn't be in a nicely well written post or message...and I'd probably more than likely say
"Well that just pisses me off" lol because I'm pretty up front about how I take things...blunt I guess as my friends say
I don't sugarcoat anything
But yeah socially problemed, awkward, inept whatever...it's true I am...but I offer up this
If someone had to live the life I did they'd probably end up socially awkward as well
Here I came into the world as an ugly duckling...but for some reason I wasn't considered ugly until about
4th grade...maybe 3rdish...people were frequent about telling me...especially "big kids"
(Was kids grade above me all the way up to probably 7th grade at that time)
That can really do something to a 4th grade level mind
People would call me ugly and fat on a daily basis...I never made a big deal out of it or told my parents and whatever
because I mean really...in 4th grade...who do you want to admit that to?
"Oh hey just so ya know...other than the kids in my grade (and some of those as well)...everyone seems to think
I'm a woofer and they tell me all the time...not just a woofer but a fat one..."
Well I hit 7th grade - the baby fat fell off, changes happened, my body started maturing a bit so I had
some nice curves to go with the new slimness
I got contacts instead of my glasses (which by the way why is it when you're little you never have cool glasses?)
I started messing around with my hair - dying it different colors and such
(natural is a sandy brown...started out dying it dark auburn...then sandy...then blonde)
I got a more flattering hair cut
So I thought that might be the end of my problems...and it was...for a while
after a while the people who had been calling me fat etc. out of the grade above me seemed to
want to flirt with me. Sorry sir, but I'm having none of that! I looked different so that automatically
takes back what you said to me? WRONG! No one ever apologized...no one ever said "hey about that..."
Nothing...so NO it does not take back what all of you did to me just because I got slim!
So of course I told them where they could go...wouldn't you?
I guess their fragile egos couldn't handle that they were turned down by someone
You know because they thought they were like 8th grade greek gods or something *snickers*
So...well fat was out of the question...and I guess ugly was too since ya know they did hit on me and all that
so it turned to freak.
I was a freak.
freak...
Wasn't a freak like a skinhead or something? Isn't that what I'd heard?
(Skinhead as in an antisocial person who has a hairless head only because they feels it a symbol of rebellion, racism, or anarchy.)
No it was me apparently.
Even after I got a boyfriend in later 7th grade I was later called a freak by him.
Freak...He constantly told me I was one...that constantly made me wanna break up with him
So I finally did...But anyway...at that time junk like that didn't bother me really...it ticked me off
But I wasn't losing sleep over it or anything..I had the WTF *$#*%&^#$ I'LL RIP YOUR FACE OFF attitude back then
But still I did constantly hear it...Didn't help all through 8th grade I had stupid popular hoes trying to bring me down
(when you plural ho does it gain an e? Oh well whatever...)
In 8th grade more of the same...only it was mostly the hoes this time as the 8th graders were now in 9th grade
over at the high school and all that.
I went through the first harsh break up in 8th grade..my first boyfriend of over 1 year
He broke my heart
which at 13 is very easy to do you think puppy love = real love...you don't understand yet
...and although I talked tough...my heart was glass
But also I went to a party that was supposed to be a birthday party...it ended up
in a lot of alcohol and a lot of idiots
These were kids between the ages of 12-14
and I mean they were drinking just random things...even mixing things that don't even go together
in the "bar world" as adults....it's surprising no one got alcohol poisoning
Jack Daniels, Vodka, Beer, Rum, Tequila, and whatever else the kids had got their hands on was there...
I remember getting vodka spit on me and my bum slapped a few times and I'd just had enough.
I tried to use the phone to call my mom but the kids wouldn't let me. They blocked the phone saying
because they were drinking no parents could come up there including mine just to get me.
So I did the only thing I thought I should do
I walked. I took off down from the house and started a really long walk.
I finally got to the house of this family I knew and asked them could I use their phone.
I then called my Grandma to come get me (couldn't get ahold of my mom)
and I told her everything that happened and asked she take us (a friend had been with me who did try some drinks)
to the after school dance instead.
I went to the dance...I had fun...and most importantly I kept my mouth shut
But when the night rolled around I logged onto MSN messenger and was getting threatened to a beat down
Apparently somehow people at the dance knew about the drinking and everyone said since I was there
it meant I told. Yeah...why would I waste my time ruining these kids reputations? In my mind
they had already did that better on their own, just being themselves than I ever could running tales.
Not to mention that while we were at the dance the host of the party...her little sister was at the dance,
hysterically crying her eyes out
and when the girl who was with me asked her why she said
"I know my sis and her friends were going to drink...is she okay?"
Hmmm....perhaps...oh I donno this screaming bawling child was what had told everyone that
the people were drinking? I mean she wasn't exactly quiet in saying what was wrong with her.
But no...I was the outcast...I was the freak....it was MY fault and MY fault alone...even though
I knew to keep my mouth shut and I hadn't said a word to anyone other than my family and 2
of my other good friends at the time (which I hadn't even told them until 3 days after the "party"
for weeks these girls harrassed me online, offline, at school whenever they could
they threatened to some over to my house and "whip my ass" so many times it wasn't even funny
or as people around home say "whoop my ass" heh heh
It was all talk and nothing else though I said "march over here" more times than I could count
they never did...
But they made me more of an exile than I already was...
Then 9th grade rolled around...
I'm going to try my best to make this shorter than what it was so follow closely plzkthnx
I went out for cheerleader
before I did two upper grade girls told me I wouldn't get it
I said why? They said the way it works you either need to be
anorexically skinny so they can put you in the stunts easy,
do like a million back flips because that's uber important above skill,
or suck up to the cheer coach/sponsor.
They told me skill and accuracy didn't matter
All the coach worried about was stunts and flips no matter
how bad the girls sucked at actually cheering because she said it looked
good in competitions to do flips and stunts
(Correct me if I'm wrong but yeah in a CHEER competition...don't you have to know how to CHEER as well?)
They told me if I didn't do one of those things...I wouldn't get it
I tried out anyway
Didn't make it..although i'd been co-capt. twice in Jr High
and on the cheer squad 4 years in grade school and jr high
I guess freaks can't be cheerleaders right? right.
Two girls I had helped a few days before, they both made it
Both came out of the room saying they messed up
I clearly remember one saying "There's no way I'll get it I forgot the whole backend of the routine"
but she did get it...I however didn't mess up at all...I had practiced the routine so many times
I could've done it in my sleep
But I didn't get it
Yeah I felt kinda raped anal-y but I wasn't going to just sit around fussing about it
What good does that do? I just though eh oh well..I'll try again next year
Apparently word got around that I was the only freshman who didn't suck off someone to make the team.
One day all the cheerleaders got teddy bears and balloons sent to them at lunch
these 2 annoying guys were behind me and my friend Karla in the lunchroom and they just
let in to me for no reason. I didn't even talk to these guys!
"Bet you're jealous huh"
"Excuse me?"
"Because you're the only freshman who didn't make cheerleader"
"So...?"
"That could've be you sitting there with them. If you would've made it, you could've got balloons send to you."
(Several Minutes Later - after their stupid rambling)
"Whatever, it's not a big deal to me that I didn't make it. There's always next year ya know?"
Next thing you know I've got a cheerleader, the ringleader of this whole thing (we'll call her gravy ass) on top of me in the hallway with her other cheerleader friends and
800 cronies telling me how they're going to make my life hell.
and I was like *blank stare* *blink blink*
I had no clue why...
Apparently dumb and dumber (the two guys) went and told these IQ challenged cheerleaders I said cheerleading was no big deal
When I said really it was no big deal that I didn't make it.
Apparently this struck a nerve with the cheerleaders.
Which in reality even if I had said that...IT WAS NO BIG DEAL!!!!!!
It's cheerleading..it's a hobby....it's a sport...and NONE of those cheerleaders do it professionally
now or anything so yeah it pretty much isn't a big deal...it's not LIFE. Get over yourselves...PLEASE gah!
Buuut anyway...I tried to (calmly and rationally) tell her that isn't what I said. I then explained what I really said
just to hear her say "whatever, your life will be hell"
they stood by that
I was harassed mentally, verbally, and physically
they couldn't actually hit me, because they would get kicked from squad
But who said anything about not shoving me into walls-trashcans-doors-misc. objects and making it
look like an accident right? Right.
And it's so funny..I knew better than to "tattle" I'm not an idiot.
But the principle and vice prin. would pull me (and Karla since she was usually with me) into the office all the time
and pull some of the girls in with us. They would say they saw them
being mean to me on the monitor. But instead of bringing us in there
to try to resolve it, or to at least give them some sort of punishment...
They always said things like "I saw what they did to you on the monitors...and we just want to make
sure you don't go and try to fight them or do anything to them"
O___O
They're...tormenting me...and you...are...upholding them!?!?!?!?!??!
And then once my mom (even though I told her not to) went to just talk to the princ.
about everything...and the principle told her
"Kayla is a very happy child it seems...I'm not sure where she's getting this but we've not seen anything..."
Sure you haven't...that's why I have a C in Spanish class!!! Because 3rd period (the period right after lunch)
YOU ALL ALWAYS PULL ME IN HERE SO I'M NEVER IN CLASS AND DON'T KNOW WTF I'M DOING IN LESSONS!!!!!!!
It's funny though I had help from some people without me even knowing about it...
I had people go egg the ring leaders car...
Some people also spit on her car...
I didn't even know this happened until like 4 years later lmao
they said they didn't want to tell me so if she targetted me and thought I did it
I would be totally in the blue about what happened and would honestly not have a clue
But yeah I came home like everyday just wanting to die...just wanting to go play in the road or something
They did more to me than any one person should be put through in their life.
When Karla and I walked down the senior hall (which we had to do to get to class)
they would throw paper and pencils at us
They would trip us, slam us into walls, shout at us, and do any other thing they
thought possible to torment us.
One day when they were getting ready for a pep ralley I went into the bathroom
to take an innocent pee, when I realized they were all in there (the cheerleaders)
and about 4 of them literally pushed my into the corner of the bathroom and took
turns having a (verbal) go at me. I got in Gravy Ass's face and said "Listen I told you how it
was I didn't say that! I haven't did a thing to any of you"
And she just laughed in my face and turned around to the others and said
"OOoooh little FRESHMAN thinks she can talk back to me"
to which the others made sarcastic gestures of "OOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooOOOOO"
SO CHILDISH!
Oh did I mention one of my best friends was a cheerleader? Although she didn't help them
make fun of me...she didn't stop it either...even when they were alone (her and the cheerleaders)
and the cheerleaders would make fun of me to her... she never even told them to stop...not even
"Hey she is my friend ya know? Can you at least not talk about her around me?"
I guess there's cowardice in too many people.
But anyway, yeah she was in the bathroom that day...and she never supported me
never reached a hand to help me out...just stood in the background looking at the floor,
Too afraid...too big of a pansy, to help out someone she still claims to this day is one of her
best friends. I mean we're cool and all...but I've never totally forgave her for any of it...
She always let them talk about me around her...when I talked to her about it she said
"It's none of my business what they do...so I'm not sticking my nose in it...it's not my place."
That's funny...I would fight for any of my true friends...and she couldn't even just
say hey don't talk about her around me? I mean even that at the least!
I just wiggled around her from my corner (not like she could catch me)
and ran out of the bathroom without using the bathroom.
I told my teacher Mr Rose (who was pretty cool at times) that I didn't get to pee
because the stupid cheerleaders were hounding me in the bathroom
and he was like "Oh that's okay, I'll let you go when they call for the pep ralley, the
cheerleaders will already be in the gym by then" thank God for that I thought
When we took class pictures...I gave a picture to one of my friends...they took my picture out of
her locker one day and went and made copies of it on 8x10 paper and underneath it they wrote
"The next Britney Spears?"
Not to mention it again but yeah these girls were very DUMB
At that time (was 2001 I think)
Britney was the most successful popstar of that time...she had more money than any star around
but they were telling it meant because they thought Britney was fake
So they were saying I was so fake I was the next Britney etc. etc.
Yeah I'm really fake...I'm not the one hiding behind a flimsy cheeleading popularity facade
but I'm the one who's fake right? Right.
And I'm short - only 5'3 - and they hung them on the walls so high that I could not
get them down and neither could Karla (she's 5'6)
they did way more junk to me than that but that's all I feel like mentioning right now...
Even though they tormented me, and made my life hell and I wanted to lay down and die...
I want to thank them...YES THAT'S RIGHT! I WANT TO THANK YOU SKANK CHEERLEADERS!
Because of you, and all you did to me...You helped me to assure myself that
I will NEVER in my life do anything of the sort to
someone else because I know all too well how it feels.
On top of all that I ended up in a relationship from 10th grade until I was 19 that consisted of
so much junk...he was bossy, controlling, protective, forceful, etc...
But it's like after being tormented in 9th grade I was just looking for someone to accept and love me
so I tried to wait it out and think that hopefully he'd change someday but he never did...you can't change anyone but yourself
I wasn't allowed to go out places on my own...he was always thinking I was cheating on him (although he had cheated on me several times throughout the relationship)...and I wasn't allowed to hang around guys who had been my friends for ages
I always had more guy friends than girl one's growing up
we ended up in a bad break up that concluded him making all of our mutual friends think
I was a slut and sleeping around with everyone in 3 counties
he totally ruined my reputation
and I had to do "damage control" for about a year after the breakup
so in a nut shell that's my life growing up
(my life is great now and I have a wonderful husband but that's in short what happened before the greatness)
I mean I had good times and I helped console myself with the comfort of good friends
but after all of that wouldn't you be a bit socially awkward as well?
fin