So I was thinking.
Today was the beginning of the TAKS tests, and all the teachers were getting everything ready in their rooms, so everyone had to go into the auditorium and stay there if they got to school early. On the way into the auditorium, Devante was making a big fuss outside about who knows what, and when he saw me he yelled "EMMAAAAA!" at the top of his lungs just like he always does whenever he sees me. I thought it was pretty funny, but the assistant principal didn't.
I was stuck in my homeroom for over three hours working on the test, but it seemed to be over pretty quickly, and before I knew it I was in my last period of the day. So I was sitting in Mrs. Hardy's class, and everyone was kind of bumming around because nobody takes class seriously on exam days. I was barely even listening to my classmates because I was too busy readin' me some S.E. Hinton, me being such a greaser an' all. Dillan yowled in his cracked voice something about Girls Gone Wild, and the rest of the class seemed to roar with noise, mostly uncomfortable laughter. I don't know what it was, but something about that moment got to me. It got me thinking. Dillan and a lot of other kids I know are usually like that, saying obscene things for no real reason, without showing any shame. I thought about that, and for one split second I figured that must make it acceptable, because everybody does it, but then my conscience kicked in and I remembered that it wasn't acceptable. I realized that I was surrounded by unacceptable people. That was scary. I briefly wondered if there were any acceptable people at all in the world, and I remembered Devante from that morning. Devante is in trouble with an adult almost every time I see him, but he doesn't ever mean any harm by all the crazy stuff he does. He's just being Devante. Therefor I reasoned that Devante is an acceptable person. That made me feel better, but then I thought about how Dillan never gets in trouble. Mrs. Hardy even seems to think he's some form of charming. That may just be because Dillan is a teacher's kid, but I don't think it's fair. It seems like the people who least deserve respect are always the people who get the most of it. I guess that must have to do with the fact that acceptable people are rare. And don't get me wrong, it's not that I necessarily hate Dillan or people like him, it's just that I'm highly aware of their un-acceptableness.
Sometimes I wish I wasn't such a good judge of character. Really. Then I could be blissfully ignorant like every one else, and I wouldn't feel isolated when I make realizations like this. I wonder if every one else's standards are low, or if my standards are just insanely high. Sometimes my judgment even makes me seem like a cruel person to other people. When I meet people who think that, I actually become the cruel person they think I am because I can tell that they think of me that way and it makes me angry. And then I become afraid whenever I'm around those people; afraid that I might fall out of my cruel self in front of them. I'm not really sure why that scares me. I think it's because I'm afraid of them telling me that I'm a two-face. That would mean that I don't even have a secret good side that they don't know about, I'm just 100% awful. Or they would say something like, "WOW, Emma, you're in such a good mood today!" And I know what that means. It means, "Emma, how completely unlike you to be pleasant! Teehee!" I hate that. I hate when people try to make me a bad guy in their big movie called Life, starring them, where they're the cute, innocent hero, bumbling through life. It's really so demeaning. Luckily most people I meet aren't like that.
I can't believe Bishop Iker let Dad be on that committee thing. When Mom told me I got really mad. I even said, "I HATE Dad" which I don't think I've ever said in front of her. I thought the Bishop was smart. I thought he knew about Dad. Is it really so hard to read Dad? Is it so hard that even the Bishop can't? I was surprised that Mom didn't get mad at me for saying that I hated Dad. That was a relief. It meant that it was okay in some respect for me to hate him. She told me that things would get better soon. Helen and Mom have been saying that for a while now. I want to see results.
I WONDER why Tim won't post anything on LJ after he told me he would on the phone last week. That must make him a LIAR. :0
Post something, Tim. D:
I was stuck in my homeroom for over three hours working on the test, but it seemed to be over pretty quickly, and before I knew it I was in my last period of the day. So I was sitting in Mrs. Hardy's class, and everyone was kind of bumming around because nobody takes class seriously on exam days. I was barely even listening to my classmates because I was too busy readin' me some S.E. Hinton, me being such a greaser an' all. Dillan yowled in his cracked voice something about Girls Gone Wild, and the rest of the class seemed to roar with noise, mostly uncomfortable laughter. I don't know what it was, but something about that moment got to me. It got me thinking. Dillan and a lot of other kids I know are usually like that, saying obscene things for no real reason, without showing any shame. I thought about that, and for one split second I figured that must make it acceptable, because everybody does it, but then my conscience kicked in and I remembered that it wasn't acceptable. I realized that I was surrounded by unacceptable people. That was scary. I briefly wondered if there were any acceptable people at all in the world, and I remembered Devante from that morning. Devante is in trouble with an adult almost every time I see him, but he doesn't ever mean any harm by all the crazy stuff he does. He's just being Devante. Therefor I reasoned that Devante is an acceptable person. That made me feel better, but then I thought about how Dillan never gets in trouble. Mrs. Hardy even seems to think he's some form of charming. That may just be because Dillan is a teacher's kid, but I don't think it's fair. It seems like the people who least deserve respect are always the people who get the most of it. I guess that must have to do with the fact that acceptable people are rare. And don't get me wrong, it's not that I necessarily hate Dillan or people like him, it's just that I'm highly aware of their un-acceptableness.
Sometimes I wish I wasn't such a good judge of character. Really. Then I could be blissfully ignorant like every one else, and I wouldn't feel isolated when I make realizations like this. I wonder if every one else's standards are low, or if my standards are just insanely high. Sometimes my judgment even makes me seem like a cruel person to other people. When I meet people who think that, I actually become the cruel person they think I am because I can tell that they think of me that way and it makes me angry. And then I become afraid whenever I'm around those people; afraid that I might fall out of my cruel self in front of them. I'm not really sure why that scares me. I think it's because I'm afraid of them telling me that I'm a two-face. That would mean that I don't even have a secret good side that they don't know about, I'm just 100% awful. Or they would say something like, "WOW, Emma, you're in such a good mood today!" And I know what that means. It means, "Emma, how completely unlike you to be pleasant! Teehee!" I hate that. I hate when people try to make me a bad guy in their big movie called Life, starring them, where they're the cute, innocent hero, bumbling through life. It's really so demeaning. Luckily most people I meet aren't like that.
I can't believe Bishop Iker let Dad be on that committee thing. When Mom told me I got really mad. I even said, "I HATE Dad" which I don't think I've ever said in front of her. I thought the Bishop was smart. I thought he knew about Dad. Is it really so hard to read Dad? Is it so hard that even the Bishop can't? I was surprised that Mom didn't get mad at me for saying that I hated Dad. That was a relief. It meant that it was okay in some respect for me to hate him. She told me that things would get better soon. Helen and Mom have been saying that for a while now. I want to see results.
I WONDER why Tim won't post anything on LJ after he told me he would on the phone last week. That must make him a LIAR. :0
Post something, Tim. D: