(no subject)
I think I want to start writing again, things that are of more substance than Facebook. Facebook doesn't lend itself well to journal-type writing.
Ten years ago, I made the biggest mistake of my life - I got married at 19 to a boy I thought I could tolerate spending the rest of my life with. Today I went back through my LiveJournal and re-read about how in love with I was with that boy named Thomas ... and I find myself kicking myself, that I married someone who didn't give me those same feelings Thomas gave me.
Thomas held my hand, played with my hair, told me I made him a better person, was in love with me, loved to hold me, loved to kiss me, I felt at home with him. With Mark, I always felt a little awkward, but I thought different longer-term priorities (stability? priesthood worthiness? I don't know) would win-out in an eternal relationship, or something. I thought things would have to fall apart with Thomas eventually, because he'd had sex with his previous girlfriend and he watched porn and he wasn't in school and he struggled with his job sometimes. But you know what? I'd rather have wasted 10 years with an unstable guy who loved me, than with a "stable" and responsible guy who treated me like just another person in his life.
I spent 10 years missing that feeling of being cherished, adored, admired... why did I marry him? Why was I such a stupid teenager? F*ck. It was amazing going out and dating again, and remembering what it was like to actually be treated with respect by a guy. When did I lose that? Why did I tolerate it? Why did either of us think that it was okay for us to treat each other the way we did? Marriage ... something you probably shouldn't do before age 25. Of course some people are successful, many people are, but now I find myself viewing relationships with suspicion, wondering if people could be doing better and could be happier if they waited a little longer, to get to know each other better, to know themselves better, before tying their lives to someone else. Now my peers are finally getting married (celebrating, maybe, their 4th anniversaries ...) and starting to have babies. I wonder what their relationships will look like in 5-10 years.
Are they happy? Are they really happy? Or does everyone end up feeling trapped like we did?
Divorce messes with your mind so much.
Why did I choose the one person who never seemed to quite understand or appreciate me? DAMN IT KAMI. YOU LEFT YOUR BRAIN BEHIND AND CHOSE TO BASE YOUR DECISION ON HUMILITY AND PRAYER. Stupid, stupid, stupid.
At least now I remember the feelings I want to have in a committed relationship. And I have that right now with someone, and it feels amazing, and I don't want to screw it up. I don't want to break up with someone for the stupid reasons I broke up with Thomas for (which was ... what? "I feel great when I'm with you, but I'm supposed to break up with you because you're not worthy and I don't think you're smart enough for me.") Ultimately I think his lack of academic achievement would have gotten to me, but damn, aside from the physical distance, why did I throw away such an emotionally healthy relationship for an emotionally stunted one? I could have waited a few years and let the relationship naturally run its course, instead of trying to rush to the end of everything.
Maybe it's a teenager thing?
At any rate. Earlier this year, I met a guy named Daniel who said a few interesting things about other relationships he'd had.
"The relationship had run its course and it was time for me to end it."
That's kind of how life goes, isn't it? Sometimes people are in your life for a season (romantic or not) but there's no reason not to enjoy the interactions you can have. My biggest regrets result from me not taking advantage of my friendships. I was too shy, too nervous, too ... something. Somehow between my 19 year old self and my 28 year old self, I forgot how to take advantage of the moments and live life to the fullest. For a while, I guess I was depressed and I held myself back. (okay, maybe we can blame it on marriage? that's stupid! why should marriage ruin your life goals ... isn't it supposed to enhance everything?)
I've spent the past year rebuilding my identity. It's been wonderful, because I feel like I've rediscovered the me I used to be, the me I tried to suppress and throw away when I started college. I can't believe how much of myself I tried to give up when I went to BYU. I thought I was trying to become more mature, but really I was just boxing myself in. I didn't think I was giving up myself or my freedom when I was trying to become a better Mormon. I guess it really didn't work for me - the Pharisaic stuff. I hadn't realized the little Pharisaic things would come to define me, and break me. Weird, weird, weird. I don't know. It's so sad. I didn't think I didn't want to be Mormon. But now I'm out, I'm me, I'm better, I'm an adult, I feel I'm a lot more in tune with myself than I have been for the past 10 years. I hope I never throw myself away for something/someone else ever again.
It's time to begin, isn't it?
I get a little bit bigger, but then I'll admit I'm just the same as I was.
Now don't you understand
I'm never changing who I am.
-Imagine Dragons, It's Time
Ten years ago, I made the biggest mistake of my life - I got married at 19 to a boy I thought I could tolerate spending the rest of my life with. Today I went back through my LiveJournal and re-read about how in love with I was with that boy named Thomas ... and I find myself kicking myself, that I married someone who didn't give me those same feelings Thomas gave me.
Thomas held my hand, played with my hair, told me I made him a better person, was in love with me, loved to hold me, loved to kiss me, I felt at home with him. With Mark, I always felt a little awkward, but I thought different longer-term priorities (stability? priesthood worthiness? I don't know) would win-out in an eternal relationship, or something. I thought things would have to fall apart with Thomas eventually, because he'd had sex with his previous girlfriend and he watched porn and he wasn't in school and he struggled with his job sometimes. But you know what? I'd rather have wasted 10 years with an unstable guy who loved me, than with a "stable" and responsible guy who treated me like just another person in his life.
I spent 10 years missing that feeling of being cherished, adored, admired... why did I marry him? Why was I such a stupid teenager? F*ck. It was amazing going out and dating again, and remembering what it was like to actually be treated with respect by a guy. When did I lose that? Why did I tolerate it? Why did either of us think that it was okay for us to treat each other the way we did? Marriage ... something you probably shouldn't do before age 25. Of course some people are successful, many people are, but now I find myself viewing relationships with suspicion, wondering if people could be doing better and could be happier if they waited a little longer, to get to know each other better, to know themselves better, before tying their lives to someone else. Now my peers are finally getting married (celebrating, maybe, their 4th anniversaries ...) and starting to have babies. I wonder what their relationships will look like in 5-10 years.
Are they happy? Are they really happy? Or does everyone end up feeling trapped like we did?
Divorce messes with your mind so much.
Why did I choose the one person who never seemed to quite understand or appreciate me? DAMN IT KAMI. YOU LEFT YOUR BRAIN BEHIND AND CHOSE TO BASE YOUR DECISION ON HUMILITY AND PRAYER. Stupid, stupid, stupid.
At least now I remember the feelings I want to have in a committed relationship. And I have that right now with someone, and it feels amazing, and I don't want to screw it up. I don't want to break up with someone for the stupid reasons I broke up with Thomas for (which was ... what? "I feel great when I'm with you, but I'm supposed to break up with you because you're not worthy and I don't think you're smart enough for me.") Ultimately I think his lack of academic achievement would have gotten to me, but damn, aside from the physical distance, why did I throw away such an emotionally healthy relationship for an emotionally stunted one? I could have waited a few years and let the relationship naturally run its course, instead of trying to rush to the end of everything.
Maybe it's a teenager thing?
At any rate. Earlier this year, I met a guy named Daniel who said a few interesting things about other relationships he'd had.
"The relationship had run its course and it was time for me to end it."
That's kind of how life goes, isn't it? Sometimes people are in your life for a season (romantic or not) but there's no reason not to enjoy the interactions you can have. My biggest regrets result from me not taking advantage of my friendships. I was too shy, too nervous, too ... something. Somehow between my 19 year old self and my 28 year old self, I forgot how to take advantage of the moments and live life to the fullest. For a while, I guess I was depressed and I held myself back. (okay, maybe we can blame it on marriage? that's stupid! why should marriage ruin your life goals ... isn't it supposed to enhance everything?)
I've spent the past year rebuilding my identity. It's been wonderful, because I feel like I've rediscovered the me I used to be, the me I tried to suppress and throw away when I started college. I can't believe how much of myself I tried to give up when I went to BYU. I thought I was trying to become more mature, but really I was just boxing myself in. I didn't think I was giving up myself or my freedom when I was trying to become a better Mormon. I guess it really didn't work for me - the Pharisaic stuff. I hadn't realized the little Pharisaic things would come to define me, and break me. Weird, weird, weird. I don't know. It's so sad. I didn't think I didn't want to be Mormon. But now I'm out, I'm me, I'm better, I'm an adult, I feel I'm a lot more in tune with myself than I have been for the past 10 years. I hope I never throw myself away for something/someone else ever again.
It's time to begin, isn't it?
I get a little bit bigger, but then I'll admit I'm just the same as I was.
Now don't you understand
I'm never changing who I am.
-Imagine Dragons, It's Time