(no subject)
oh, man, it's so hard to put into words the things I have experienced in the last few days ... weeks ... months ...
The praying and the searching and the learning and the researching and the asking questions and the more praying and the more searching ... has been exhausting. But the growth experience has been AMAZING and in the last few days I have felt the deepest sorrows and the most bitter anguish and the most exquisite peace and hope and joy and love. It's like the windows of heaven have been opened and God has poured out his love on me and I feel secure and happy knowing I am a loved daughter of God. How do I know this? Because He told me.
Here's an email I sent to my (husband's) family and my parents. I'm having a really hard time putting things together in a coherent narrative ... now I kind of understand why Joseph Smith had such a hard time putting his spiritual experiences together! It all happens in bits and pieces at different times and it's difficult to record it!
(Larry bears his testimony of the work Joseph Smith accomplished and the insights Joseph received about the nature of God and the restoration of the Gospel.)
This is similar to the conclusion I've drawn (about Joseph) after the research I've done in the past few weeks. I'm looking forward to doing more research and getting more involved (informed?) about things. My perspective of the Gospel has changed a lot in the last 6 months ... and it's hard to put all of those feelings into words.
I entered my faith crisis when I was about 12 or 13. You know how faith crises are usually precipitated by noticing hypocrisies within your faith - between what you think you are learning from the Spirit and what you are experiencing from fellow members, local leaders, and the central leadership of the Church. I wasn't sure how to approach my uncertainties. Fast forward several years and I get married in the temple. Again, I encountered a few things that made me feel uncomfortable ... but instead of studying, I decided to try to set aside those feelings and believe that eventually the discomfort would go away if I simply "exercised enough faith" (instead of studying. duuuhhhhhhhhh Kamis.) Sometimes those feelings of discomfort and inadequacy would overcome me and I'd lash out at the people around me, frustrated with my own shortcomings and seeming inability to find purpose and peace.
Then, last year, I *FINALLY* found a therapist I liked and clicked with. She taught me how to examine my negative, destructive thoughts and analyze them. Why do I have these thoughts? What are the assumptions I'm making? How can I test these assumptions? How can I make this work for me to make me happy? It's been a big growth process and I've made a lot of mistakes trying to figure out how to meet my needs and come to terms with my faith and spirituality and ... basically ... my personal relationship with God.
A few months ago, while on vacation, I felt overwhelming love for my good, righteous friends who are outside the Church. I felt confused, because the Church teaches that certain things are wrong and I believe that the Brethren are well-intentioned, but mistaken. My faith crisis escalated and I scoured the Internet to find out if there were other people feeling the same way I felt. I found places like "When The Temple Hurts" and "Zelph on the Shelf" and various other places I had previously not allowed myself to search (out of fear) and the avoidance of seeking out that information fueled my anxiety. As I found out I was not alone in my feelings, I felt relief. Sorry I'm leaving out a lot of details ... I've been praying a lot and trying to figure out what exactly makes me uncomfortable. I prayed a lot. I studied a lot. I asked God a lot of questions and I feel like He guided me in my search for "truth". What is my path? What would God have me do? Why do I feel like I have to continue doing things that make me feel uncomfortable, in an effort to be an "obedient" servant to God?
In my anguish, I felt that feeling described in the Doctrine and Covenants, saying something along the lines of when you lose your faith, you lose all the light you had received before. In my anger, I felt I understood WHY people who go through that experience feel like they have lost all of the faith they had in the things they thought they used to believe. Everything was wrong, everything was an illusion, everything was whitewashed, my faith is destroyed ... where do I go from here? My mother gently reminded me not to throw the baby out with the bathwater (for the bajillionth time in my life) so I decided to take a step back and ask myself, is there anything that I absolutely know?
The one thing I know is that God loves me.
I searched and explored the conclusions I could draw from that simple testimony. Nephi said, essentially, "I know God loves His children, but I do not know the meaning of all things." As I reflected on that, I found that to be a recurring theme in the scriptures. God loves His children. We bring Him joy. He wants us to return to Him. How does this tie into my worldview and my desire to unconditionally love my fellowmen? Christ said to the adulteress, "Neither do I condemn thee. Go, and sin no more." When the lawyers asked him what the greatest commandment was, he said, "Love God, and love your neighbor as yourself."
As I pondered that, something clicked in me. Suddenly the whole world made sense and I understood how all mankind may be saved. And, surprisingly, I discovered that it's NOT through the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints ... exclusively. The Church is only a part of it. I realized everyone in the world is trying to get to God in their own way, and because of His infinite love for us (because of the way I know I love my children unconditionally, no matter what they do, as long as they are doing what makes them feel fulfilled and happy!) ... uh ... anyway, I don't want to get too long winded about it.
But the secret is knowing "God is Love". It applies universally. It makes Christ make sense, in whatever way a person needs to see him to be able to understand God. For the people who feel they aren't able to access God's love directly and need a mediator, he is the Savior (Christian perspective). From the Buddhist perspective, when you commune directly with the Divine and bask in that feeling of peace and reach Nirvana ... that is their salvation and access to God. It's an oversimplified view of things, sure, but the Gospel is simple, isn't it? God has provided a way for every single one of us to find him. There are many, many paths we can follow but there is one perfect straight and narrow path for each of us individually. It is not a straight and narrow path we all take in single file. It is the pass less traveled, because it is the path that only WE have followed on our individual journey to find God.
I hope that makes sense. My testimony, pure and simple, is "God is love" and I want to follow Him. It helps explain why I have no desire or concern about the eternal salvation of those who have NOT heard of Christ and have still found God. For those who are just and honest in their dealings with their fellowmen, if their actions are motivated by love, God is with them. It even explains the scripture about whenever two or more are gathered in His name (love) God is with them. It's mind-boggling and extremely comforting to me.
So now I have to figure out where I stand with my relationship to the LDS church - do I stay or do I go? Do I stay and help nurture members of the Church and help "perfect the Saints" by teaching how to love unconditionally? How can I share my testimony of THAT with them without stepping on the toes of the Brethren who teach against homosexuality, etc? How can I share my testimony that God loves us and we can call upon Him even (gasp!) without Priesthood power? That's an apostate's point of view, but from the understanding of "God is love" it makes PERFECT sense to me. I have full faith that the Church will eventually come to the truth, but right now, it's so emotionally hard for me to feel like I have to hold my tongue with my testimony of the Gospel (because it's expected that my Gospel is to be the same as the Church's Gospel) ... so ... like ... do I stay or do I go?
I'm going to be talking to my bishop about my spiritual struggles, because I honestly don't believe certain tenets of the Mormon faith. I also don't know if there is anything "better" out there to go to. But I've been praying and I FEEL like I've been communicating with God (as I've been instructed to do in my patriarchal blessing) and ... well ... we'll see where it leads me. Hopefully I will grow and develop a lot as a person in the next few years and establish my identity and become whole, or at least feel like I'm on the right path towards becoming whole. :)
I'd simply like your love and support in my journey to find out how I feel I can best commune with God and do His will. I love Mormons, I love Mormonism, but I do have a hard time with all of the extra baggage that orthodox/mainstream "Mormonism" carries with it. I feel like I understand and appreciate it, but it's not what *I* need to nourish my relationship with God. Hopefully I can maintain a positive relationship with the Church as I reduce my activity level and focus on my own spiritual well-being and find what I need, spiritually. If Mormonism's form of worship works for you and brings you closer to God, please continue with it!!! There are SO many opportunities in the Church for people to grow. God loves you and wants you to be happy... that's how we honor Him.
I want to keep lines of communication open without judgment or coercion or expressions of concern. All I want is love and support (but I'll accept criticism and concern ... or at least try to!) This is my life and the path I must take on my own, of my own free will and choice, according to the will of God. :) If you have any questions, feel free to ask and I will do my best to answer.
Thank you so much for your testimony, Larry. I love you all dearly. And I can say that honestly and genuinely and I feel very at peace with myself.
The praying and the searching and the learning and the researching and the asking questions and the more praying and the more searching ... has been exhausting. But the growth experience has been AMAZING and in the last few days I have felt the deepest sorrows and the most bitter anguish and the most exquisite peace and hope and joy and love. It's like the windows of heaven have been opened and God has poured out his love on me and I feel secure and happy knowing I am a loved daughter of God. How do I know this? Because He told me.
Here's an email I sent to my (husband's) family and my parents. I'm having a really hard time putting things together in a coherent narrative ... now I kind of understand why Joseph Smith had such a hard time putting his spiritual experiences together! It all happens in bits and pieces at different times and it's difficult to record it!
(Larry bears his testimony of the work Joseph Smith accomplished and the insights Joseph received about the nature of God and the restoration of the Gospel.)
This is similar to the conclusion I've drawn (about Joseph) after the research I've done in the past few weeks. I'm looking forward to doing more research and getting more involved (informed?) about things. My perspective of the Gospel has changed a lot in the last 6 months ... and it's hard to put all of those feelings into words.
I entered my faith crisis when I was about 12 or 13. You know how faith crises are usually precipitated by noticing hypocrisies within your faith - between what you think you are learning from the Spirit and what you are experiencing from fellow members, local leaders, and the central leadership of the Church. I wasn't sure how to approach my uncertainties. Fast forward several years and I get married in the temple. Again, I encountered a few things that made me feel uncomfortable ... but instead of studying, I decided to try to set aside those feelings and believe that eventually the discomfort would go away if I simply "exercised enough faith" (instead of studying. duuuhhhhhhhhh Kamis.) Sometimes those feelings of discomfort and inadequacy would overcome me and I'd lash out at the people around me, frustrated with my own shortcomings and seeming inability to find purpose and peace.
Then, last year, I *FINALLY* found a therapist I liked and clicked with. She taught me how to examine my negative, destructive thoughts and analyze them. Why do I have these thoughts? What are the assumptions I'm making? How can I test these assumptions? How can I make this work for me to make me happy? It's been a big growth process and I've made a lot of mistakes trying to figure out how to meet my needs and come to terms with my faith and spirituality and ... basically ... my personal relationship with God.
A few months ago, while on vacation, I felt overwhelming love for my good, righteous friends who are outside the Church. I felt confused, because the Church teaches that certain things are wrong and I believe that the Brethren are well-intentioned, but mistaken. My faith crisis escalated and I scoured the Internet to find out if there were other people feeling the same way I felt. I found places like "When The Temple Hurts" and "Zelph on the Shelf" and various other places I had previously not allowed myself to search (out of fear) and the avoidance of seeking out that information fueled my anxiety. As I found out I was not alone in my feelings, I felt relief. Sorry I'm leaving out a lot of details ... I've been praying a lot and trying to figure out what exactly makes me uncomfortable. I prayed a lot. I studied a lot. I asked God a lot of questions and I feel like He guided me in my search for "truth". What is my path? What would God have me do? Why do I feel like I have to continue doing things that make me feel uncomfortable, in an effort to be an "obedient" servant to God?
In my anguish, I felt that feeling described in the Doctrine and Covenants, saying something along the lines of when you lose your faith, you lose all the light you had received before. In my anger, I felt I understood WHY people who go through that experience feel like they have lost all of the faith they had in the things they thought they used to believe. Everything was wrong, everything was an illusion, everything was whitewashed, my faith is destroyed ... where do I go from here? My mother gently reminded me not to throw the baby out with the bathwater (for the bajillionth time in my life) so I decided to take a step back and ask myself, is there anything that I absolutely know?
The one thing I know is that God loves me.
I searched and explored the conclusions I could draw from that simple testimony. Nephi said, essentially, "I know God loves His children, but I do not know the meaning of all things." As I reflected on that, I found that to be a recurring theme in the scriptures. God loves His children. We bring Him joy. He wants us to return to Him. How does this tie into my worldview and my desire to unconditionally love my fellowmen? Christ said to the adulteress, "Neither do I condemn thee. Go, and sin no more." When the lawyers asked him what the greatest commandment was, he said, "Love God, and love your neighbor as yourself."
As I pondered that, something clicked in me. Suddenly the whole world made sense and I understood how all mankind may be saved. And, surprisingly, I discovered that it's NOT through the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints ... exclusively. The Church is only a part of it. I realized everyone in the world is trying to get to God in their own way, and because of His infinite love for us (because of the way I know I love my children unconditionally, no matter what they do, as long as they are doing what makes them feel fulfilled and happy!) ... uh ... anyway, I don't want to get too long winded about it.
But the secret is knowing "God is Love". It applies universally. It makes Christ make sense, in whatever way a person needs to see him to be able to understand God. For the people who feel they aren't able to access God's love directly and need a mediator, he is the Savior (Christian perspective). From the Buddhist perspective, when you commune directly with the Divine and bask in that feeling of peace and reach Nirvana ... that is their salvation and access to God. It's an oversimplified view of things, sure, but the Gospel is simple, isn't it? God has provided a way for every single one of us to find him. There are many, many paths we can follow but there is one perfect straight and narrow path for each of us individually. It is not a straight and narrow path we all take in single file. It is the pass less traveled, because it is the path that only WE have followed on our individual journey to find God.
I hope that makes sense. My testimony, pure and simple, is "God is love" and I want to follow Him. It helps explain why I have no desire or concern about the eternal salvation of those who have NOT heard of Christ and have still found God. For those who are just and honest in their dealings with their fellowmen, if their actions are motivated by love, God is with them. It even explains the scripture about whenever two or more are gathered in His name (love) God is with them. It's mind-boggling and extremely comforting to me.
So now I have to figure out where I stand with my relationship to the LDS church - do I stay or do I go? Do I stay and help nurture members of the Church and help "perfect the Saints" by teaching how to love unconditionally? How can I share my testimony of THAT with them without stepping on the toes of the Brethren who teach against homosexuality, etc? How can I share my testimony that God loves us and we can call upon Him even (gasp!) without Priesthood power? That's an apostate's point of view, but from the understanding of "God is love" it makes PERFECT sense to me. I have full faith that the Church will eventually come to the truth, but right now, it's so emotionally hard for me to feel like I have to hold my tongue with my testimony of the Gospel (because it's expected that my Gospel is to be the same as the Church's Gospel) ... so ... like ... do I stay or do I go?
I'm going to be talking to my bishop about my spiritual struggles, because I honestly don't believe certain tenets of the Mormon faith. I also don't know if there is anything "better" out there to go to. But I've been praying and I FEEL like I've been communicating with God (as I've been instructed to do in my patriarchal blessing) and ... well ... we'll see where it leads me. Hopefully I will grow and develop a lot as a person in the next few years and establish my identity and become whole, or at least feel like I'm on the right path towards becoming whole. :)
I'd simply like your love and support in my journey to find out how I feel I can best commune with God and do His will. I love Mormons, I love Mormonism, but I do have a hard time with all of the extra baggage that orthodox/mainstream "Mormonism" carries with it. I feel like I understand and appreciate it, but it's not what *I* need to nourish my relationship with God. Hopefully I can maintain a positive relationship with the Church as I reduce my activity level and focus on my own spiritual well-being and find what I need, spiritually. If Mormonism's form of worship works for you and brings you closer to God, please continue with it!!! There are SO many opportunities in the Church for people to grow. God loves you and wants you to be happy... that's how we honor Him.
I want to keep lines of communication open without judgment or coercion or expressions of concern. All I want is love and support (but I'll accept criticism and concern ... or at least try to!) This is my life and the path I must take on my own, of my own free will and choice, according to the will of God. :) If you have any questions, feel free to ask and I will do my best to answer.
Thank you so much for your testimony, Larry. I love you all dearly. And I can say that honestly and genuinely and I feel very at peace with myself.