A letter...
...to remember.
Dear 2005: A letter to remember, to thank, to love.
Dear 2005,
What a year it has been. When 2004 ended and 2005 began I was sure it was going to be a year to remember. Boy, was I right. What's funny is that I don't even remember what I did for New Year's last year. My lack of memory is a bit disturbing, but that is beside the point. I think I was home....alone if I recall. Possibly drinking....
January was an odd month. Tim was not doing well at UCI and he was most likely going to be returning home to go to community college with me in June. Although I was happy, for I would be able to see him more often, it was depressing only because Tim deserved that chance at a fantastic education. He was such a brilliant boy....I could never hold a candle to him. January was easy, as far as school was concerned. I was in 6 week semester at SMC taking Asian Philos. 22 with Professor Quesada. The class was pretty interesting, although there were times when she would go off on tangents and most of the students would zone out...me being one of them. I was beginning, at that time, to feel the full effects of my over-full time job at the bakery, for at that time I still worked there (Le Bon Bakery---if anyone recalls) and I was constantly exhausted. I was also still at Escape Artists (until June) at this point doing all that production work.
February was probably the most uncomfortable of all months as my 19th birthday was normal. I worked on my birthday (I did and do love that bakery) and later in the evening was treated to "The moistest cake I had ever tasted!" at my little Morgan's house. My dad, Lisa, George and Morgan got me a cute little cake; I was truly flattered. The next weekend Tim, Orry, Jon and Omar took me to Six Flags where much joy and madness ensued as we were all insane. It was even better only because we rarely got to spend time together as a unit because we were all so busy. However, February was also when Tim and I broke up for a few weeks due to my fear of committment. It caused a lot of useless suffering and we both caved later in the month due to our undying love for one another.
March started out looking good. School was great, Tim was great and life was finally back on track---until March 21st, when Tim died. 2005, you have heard enough rants about Tim's death that I need not rant anymore. It is enough to say that I was out of school for 2-3 weeks, my heart turned cold and my world was shattered. March was a terrible month. Although we sometimes say good things came out of his death....which they did (as they do when people die) nothing will ever erase the pain the void creates. I remember spending the day at UCI, taking pictures of the Engineering Tower, off of which he fell, trying to figure out where he might have fallen. Planning the funeral was like a tsunami of memories and joy just flooding my broken spirit. I felt as though everything we knew was being washed away with the changing tides. The funeral and vigil was the hardest, mostly because it was sound proof that he was dead. I can still feel the casket underneath my hands sometimes, as I carried it (I was the only female pall bearer) to its final resting place. The day of his funeral was also the day Omar was told that he was being deported to Australia. After Tim died I vowed never to love again. Two weeks after Tim died my cousin, of a mere 21 years, Kylee, also died, of a heart attack. Speechless and mortified I again went through the same steps as I had done with Tim. My heart turned very cold and caused a great shift in my relationships, not only with my friends, but with my family. I burned a lot of bridges.....2005 can you ever forgive me?
April was just a month of suffering and scrambling to catch up with my school work. I was behind, to say the least.
May was again, the same, and more as I changed jobs and began in my Customer Service position at Nordstrom. It was the best job move I had ever made. Oddly enough it was something I felt Tim, in spirit, guided me to, for I met someone there that changed my world. The moment that I met this person, I believed Tim has guided me to, had to have been the scariest moment of my entire life. People talk about the heart skipping a beat and honestly I never believed it to be true, until I met this person. I felt as though time had stopped and I was frozen in a moment, if only for a split second. I recall being so frightened that I purposefully ignored and avoided that person most of the time I was working. I chose to ignore my heart...and move on.
June was the culmination of my bad grades, which I was glad to get, as the semester had been hard. June was also the month that Michael Boardman and I started hanging out again. We had both been so busy in college that we had little time for each other. And, in late June we started dating. Why? For fun, I suppose. At least that was what it was suppose to be.
In July I took Morgan and her friends Angela and Christine and then my dearest Teresa to Anime Expo for 3 days. It was awesome and was probably the best time I had had since Tim had died. Although a lot of things at the convention reminded me of him, I still managed to have a great time and enjoy my time with people I don't often see, like Sean, Gil, Jo and Jenna, Man-Faye (of course), Blake, Claire, Jon, Mercedes and many many others. At the time Mike was in Israel on the "Birthright" trip. He called almost everyday and I was extraordinarily jealous, as it sounded phenomenal. But, AX was cooler. ^_^ Come on, where else can you play video games 24 hours a day and THEN go to a rave AND dress like a freak and no one would mind? ^_^ Checkmate. Summer semester began when I returned from AX and I had a blast in Physical Geography 5 and Communications 10. I made some lasting friends in Geography class (it was a 4 hour class, so we HAD to like each other----just joshin') and we had a couple adventurous field trips. So, Summer Semester was great, as was work. Orry's birthday was in there, too.
However, in August was when I actually met this person I had been a bit nervous around previously. It's funny....I still remember what he said to me. It still makes me laugh. He was the first guy I had ever met to call me out on my intellect so, in my mind he made a damn good first impression. Funny, I originally thought his name was Blaire.....haha. August was mostly me moving out of my mom's house and into my current apartment in Northridge. GO NORTHRIDGE CAMPUS RESIDENCE! Later in the month this person, who I discovered was named Kiehl, like the lotion, invited me to hang out with him and his friend Erik. I met up with them at Kiehl's friend's place in Koreatown where I met lovely gay people and theatre people and had a mesh of good times as after the get-together we went to Kiehl's to play video games until roughly 4am. It was official. These guys rocked my world----we actually spent the next day together and a lot more days during the month. This was also when we discovered the imrpov workshop at The Next Stage which is where we met our imrpov troupe players and how Id Vicious got started. Such joy....:).
September was the beginning of my doomed-to-be-shitty Fall Semester, as I spent most of September hanging out with friends and not giving a shit about school. I also spent a great deal of time working 40-45 hours a week in Customer Service because I desperately needed the money. School was actually the last thing on my mind as classes were boring and I was uninterested. Me being stubborn----again.
October was an odd month, as that is when Id Vicious was officially formed, but it is also when George Kalev, sadly died. My semester, again, got off track. Erik, Jose and Mike's birthdays were in there somewhere, too.
November: another weird month, as another good friend my mine from school died and there was a lot of personal stress. I did, however, see Rent (many a times) and was given much joy by that. Improv shows rocked and our troupe grew by leaps and bounds. We also had Meg's 23rd birthday party....drunk Meg is amusuing. There was a lot of bonding within our improv troupe---and for that I am grateful. I could not have asked for better friends. And, Jen (our new girl in Customer Service) had her birthday, too. I also left Customer Service to move to the floor and sell. It was the best decision I have ever made and I love the Handbag department.
December has been pensive as a lot of personal shit has gone down. I have been thinking a lot about my high school friends and how much I miss their prescence in my life. School is a wash and right now I am just praying to make it through finals and get a 3.0 for this semester. My roomate, Sayaka Tsuneki is moving out and going to San Francisco State University and I am waiting to hear from UCLA so I know if I can stay in LA or not. Improv has been awesome, as usual, and our shows are attracting more people and we are getting better all the time. My heart is hurting, but is also full at the same time, which seems a little strange, but I know in the end it will all work out for the best. The end of the year is coming....and that means the beginning of a lot of things and the end of other things.
Before you end, 2005, there are some people I need to acknowledge.
Let us begin with my parents: Thank you for being there for me, even though I have burned many of our bridges and caused a lot of rifts. I know I have disappointed you, but I promise to be a better daughter and work even harder at making you proud. You will see that I can be the best thing that ever happened to you, even though right now I seem to be the worst.
My improv troupe:
Meg Swertlow: So light-hearted and adorable. You make my spirit soar everytime we are together. You pull me out of my personal darkness and into the light, whether I desire it or not.
Chelsea Coleman: Your kindness envelopes me from a mile away and I cannot help but smile when I am with you. You are naturally lovely and funny and that makes you a great gift in my world.
Jesse Rice: You are too good to me. You seem to think I am worthy of a perfect life and a perfect man, when really that is what you deserve, not me. You have worked so hard and been through so much and I can only hope and pray that you find the joy and happiness that you wish for me.
George Alvarez: You make me laugh and encourage me like no other. Everytime I feel like I am a useless part of the troupe, you remind me that every part is important.
Dan Lougheed: Your suggestions and honesty make me feel like I could ask you anything and it would be the most truthful thing I could ever hear. You will never begin to imagine how I appreciate that.
Erik Koxvold: How can I ever begin to thank you for just being there for me? When I need someone to bitch to, or eat cereal with or just be with, you are there. Even if we are just tripping each other, you remind me how special life is, even in the simplest of moments.
Kiehl Flynn Smit: There are no words to describe how much you mean to me. My heart reached out to you in a way I never expected it to. I trust you more than I trust anyone else in this world and would even be so bold as to entrust to you my deepest and darkest secrets. I can't help but feel utter joy when I am with you, even when I am down. You even make me feel like it would be impossible for me to a moron around you. You challenge my intellect, my talent and my spirit often and this has given me a great respect for you. Thank you for becoming one of my best friends so quickly and despite the recent shit we have been through, thank you for staying by my side. You are the strongest person that I know...you make me proud to be your friend.
My high school friends (The seven):
Orry: I miss you. I promise to find more time for you next year. Being that I have known you, probably the longest of all of my friends (since we were in Kindergarten) there is nothing I would not do for you and I love you from the bottom of my heart.
Jon: Your smile and randomness is missed. Come home from Santa Barbara more often, as I will promise to visit more often.
Omar: Your prescence in my life is missed. It was so wonderful having you so close at UCLA---come home soon. Don't stay too long in Tazmania. We love you....especially me. I missed evading you...!
Jose: Some of our best conversations have been when you are drunk---but, I know our friendship runs thousands of miles deeper than that. Know that I will always love you and think you are one of the most beautiful people that I know. You deserve such joy.
Nikki: My darling, who is so far away. I miss you and only want the best for you. You know that----I cannot wait for you to come back to LA for good. Nothing is the same without you. Blarlerlar.
Tim: Rest in peace my love. Your spirit has kept me strong and lead me down a very scary path, but I know it is the right one. I trust in you as I trust in me. You are in my thoughts and prayers and my tears every single day that I breath, and I will never forget you. I know I was your hero....your hope for the world. I promise not to let you down.
My other friends:
Mike: We have been through a lot of shit haven't we? I am glad we have saved our friendship. It means more to me than you will ever know. Friends for life and don't you forget it.
Roy: I hardly know you, but I find myself trusting you and feeling how pure your soul is. A simple thank you will do, I believe.
Nathaniel: Always there for me....even when you didn't want to be. You are loved.
Katie and Rachel: Two of my favorite girls in the whole world. How can I ever repay either of you for making me feel wanted? For loving me and being there for me in every moment I have needed someone. I love you both and will never forget our good times.
Becca: How far back do we go? Too far....stupid, dumbshit, goddamn motherfucker! You are like my child.....I will never stop loving you or enjoying our conversations that last for hours and hours. Time will never change us.
Claire: I just love you. So much love.
Teresa: Our friendship is so special and so beautiful. I love you more than you will ever know. I am so proud of who you are. You have gone through a lot...and look how amazing you are. I will never stop being there for you....as you have never stopped being there for me.
Maria: You are so far away, but my heart thinks of you all the time. Such love...
I cannot mention everyone......not all of my friends, anyway, but know that I have such respect for each and every one of you...and love you from the bottom of my heart. I would drive a million miles just to see your faces. Nothing will change that....thank you for everything you have done and will do.
And, last but not least....my Morgan: My child, my sister, my baby, my world. No one in the whole world knows me like you do. And, we are still closer than close can be. My love for you is unconditional and nothing in this world, no flood, rainstrom and natural or man-made disaster could keep me from you. I would die for you. You make me so proud.
2005.....this is my promise to you. I will remember you, even though it hurts and tears flood my eyes. I will make you proud, for 2006 will be even better. Thank you for the memories, the friends, the love, the life.
Yours Truly,
Kacie Layne Gray
Dear 2005: A letter to remember, to thank, to love.
Dear 2005,
What a year it has been. When 2004 ended and 2005 began I was sure it was going to be a year to remember. Boy, was I right. What's funny is that I don't even remember what I did for New Year's last year. My lack of memory is a bit disturbing, but that is beside the point. I think I was home....alone if I recall. Possibly drinking....
January was an odd month. Tim was not doing well at UCI and he was most likely going to be returning home to go to community college with me in June. Although I was happy, for I would be able to see him more often, it was depressing only because Tim deserved that chance at a fantastic education. He was such a brilliant boy....I could never hold a candle to him. January was easy, as far as school was concerned. I was in 6 week semester at SMC taking Asian Philos. 22 with Professor Quesada. The class was pretty interesting, although there were times when she would go off on tangents and most of the students would zone out...me being one of them. I was beginning, at that time, to feel the full effects of my over-full time job at the bakery, for at that time I still worked there (Le Bon Bakery---if anyone recalls) and I was constantly exhausted. I was also still at Escape Artists (until June) at this point doing all that production work.
February was probably the most uncomfortable of all months as my 19th birthday was normal. I worked on my birthday (I did and do love that bakery) and later in the evening was treated to "The moistest cake I had ever tasted!" at my little Morgan's house. My dad, Lisa, George and Morgan got me a cute little cake; I was truly flattered. The next weekend Tim, Orry, Jon and Omar took me to Six Flags where much joy and madness ensued as we were all insane. It was even better only because we rarely got to spend time together as a unit because we were all so busy. However, February was also when Tim and I broke up for a few weeks due to my fear of committment. It caused a lot of useless suffering and we both caved later in the month due to our undying love for one another.
March started out looking good. School was great, Tim was great and life was finally back on track---until March 21st, when Tim died. 2005, you have heard enough rants about Tim's death that I need not rant anymore. It is enough to say that I was out of school for 2-3 weeks, my heart turned cold and my world was shattered. March was a terrible month. Although we sometimes say good things came out of his death....which they did (as they do when people die) nothing will ever erase the pain the void creates. I remember spending the day at UCI, taking pictures of the Engineering Tower, off of which he fell, trying to figure out where he might have fallen. Planning the funeral was like a tsunami of memories and joy just flooding my broken spirit. I felt as though everything we knew was being washed away with the changing tides. The funeral and vigil was the hardest, mostly because it was sound proof that he was dead. I can still feel the casket underneath my hands sometimes, as I carried it (I was the only female pall bearer) to its final resting place. The day of his funeral was also the day Omar was told that he was being deported to Australia. After Tim died I vowed never to love again. Two weeks after Tim died my cousin, of a mere 21 years, Kylee, also died, of a heart attack. Speechless and mortified I again went through the same steps as I had done with Tim. My heart turned very cold and caused a great shift in my relationships, not only with my friends, but with my family. I burned a lot of bridges.....2005 can you ever forgive me?
April was just a month of suffering and scrambling to catch up with my school work. I was behind, to say the least.
May was again, the same, and more as I changed jobs and began in my Customer Service position at Nordstrom. It was the best job move I had ever made. Oddly enough it was something I felt Tim, in spirit, guided me to, for I met someone there that changed my world. The moment that I met this person, I believed Tim has guided me to, had to have been the scariest moment of my entire life. People talk about the heart skipping a beat and honestly I never believed it to be true, until I met this person. I felt as though time had stopped and I was frozen in a moment, if only for a split second. I recall being so frightened that I purposefully ignored and avoided that person most of the time I was working. I chose to ignore my heart...and move on.
June was the culmination of my bad grades, which I was glad to get, as the semester had been hard. June was also the month that Michael Boardman and I started hanging out again. We had both been so busy in college that we had little time for each other. And, in late June we started dating. Why? For fun, I suppose. At least that was what it was suppose to be.
In July I took Morgan and her friends Angela and Christine and then my dearest Teresa to Anime Expo for 3 days. It was awesome and was probably the best time I had had since Tim had died. Although a lot of things at the convention reminded me of him, I still managed to have a great time and enjoy my time with people I don't often see, like Sean, Gil, Jo and Jenna, Man-Faye (of course), Blake, Claire, Jon, Mercedes and many many others. At the time Mike was in Israel on the "Birthright" trip. He called almost everyday and I was extraordinarily jealous, as it sounded phenomenal. But, AX was cooler. ^_^ Come on, where else can you play video games 24 hours a day and THEN go to a rave AND dress like a freak and no one would mind? ^_^ Checkmate. Summer semester began when I returned from AX and I had a blast in Physical Geography 5 and Communications 10. I made some lasting friends in Geography class (it was a 4 hour class, so we HAD to like each other----just joshin') and we had a couple adventurous field trips. So, Summer Semester was great, as was work. Orry's birthday was in there, too.
However, in August was when I actually met this person I had been a bit nervous around previously. It's funny....I still remember what he said to me. It still makes me laugh. He was the first guy I had ever met to call me out on my intellect so, in my mind he made a damn good first impression. Funny, I originally thought his name was Blaire.....haha. August was mostly me moving out of my mom's house and into my current apartment in Northridge. GO NORTHRIDGE CAMPUS RESIDENCE! Later in the month this person, who I discovered was named Kiehl, like the lotion, invited me to hang out with him and his friend Erik. I met up with them at Kiehl's friend's place in Koreatown where I met lovely gay people and theatre people and had a mesh of good times as after the get-together we went to Kiehl's to play video games until roughly 4am. It was official. These guys rocked my world----we actually spent the next day together and a lot more days during the month. This was also when we discovered the imrpov workshop at The Next Stage which is where we met our imrpov troupe players and how Id Vicious got started. Such joy....:).
September was the beginning of my doomed-to-be-shitty Fall Semester, as I spent most of September hanging out with friends and not giving a shit about school. I also spent a great deal of time working 40-45 hours a week in Customer Service because I desperately needed the money. School was actually the last thing on my mind as classes were boring and I was uninterested. Me being stubborn----again.
October was an odd month, as that is when Id Vicious was officially formed, but it is also when George Kalev, sadly died. My semester, again, got off track. Erik, Jose and Mike's birthdays were in there somewhere, too.
November: another weird month, as another good friend my mine from school died and there was a lot of personal stress. I did, however, see Rent (many a times) and was given much joy by that. Improv shows rocked and our troupe grew by leaps and bounds. We also had Meg's 23rd birthday party....drunk Meg is amusuing. There was a lot of bonding within our improv troupe---and for that I am grateful. I could not have asked for better friends. And, Jen (our new girl in Customer Service) had her birthday, too. I also left Customer Service to move to the floor and sell. It was the best decision I have ever made and I love the Handbag department.
December has been pensive as a lot of personal shit has gone down. I have been thinking a lot about my high school friends and how much I miss their prescence in my life. School is a wash and right now I am just praying to make it through finals and get a 3.0 for this semester. My roomate, Sayaka Tsuneki is moving out and going to San Francisco State University and I am waiting to hear from UCLA so I know if I can stay in LA or not. Improv has been awesome, as usual, and our shows are attracting more people and we are getting better all the time. My heart is hurting, but is also full at the same time, which seems a little strange, but I know in the end it will all work out for the best. The end of the year is coming....and that means the beginning of a lot of things and the end of other things.
Before you end, 2005, there are some people I need to acknowledge.
Let us begin with my parents: Thank you for being there for me, even though I have burned many of our bridges and caused a lot of rifts. I know I have disappointed you, but I promise to be a better daughter and work even harder at making you proud. You will see that I can be the best thing that ever happened to you, even though right now I seem to be the worst.
My improv troupe:
Meg Swertlow: So light-hearted and adorable. You make my spirit soar everytime we are together. You pull me out of my personal darkness and into the light, whether I desire it or not.
Chelsea Coleman: Your kindness envelopes me from a mile away and I cannot help but smile when I am with you. You are naturally lovely and funny and that makes you a great gift in my world.
Jesse Rice: You are too good to me. You seem to think I am worthy of a perfect life and a perfect man, when really that is what you deserve, not me. You have worked so hard and been through so much and I can only hope and pray that you find the joy and happiness that you wish for me.
George Alvarez: You make me laugh and encourage me like no other. Everytime I feel like I am a useless part of the troupe, you remind me that every part is important.
Dan Lougheed: Your suggestions and honesty make me feel like I could ask you anything and it would be the most truthful thing I could ever hear. You will never begin to imagine how I appreciate that.
Erik Koxvold: How can I ever begin to thank you for just being there for me? When I need someone to bitch to, or eat cereal with or just be with, you are there. Even if we are just tripping each other, you remind me how special life is, even in the simplest of moments.
Kiehl Flynn Smit: There are no words to describe how much you mean to me. My heart reached out to you in a way I never expected it to. I trust you more than I trust anyone else in this world and would even be so bold as to entrust to you my deepest and darkest secrets. I can't help but feel utter joy when I am with you, even when I am down. You even make me feel like it would be impossible for me to a moron around you. You challenge my intellect, my talent and my spirit often and this has given me a great respect for you. Thank you for becoming one of my best friends so quickly and despite the recent shit we have been through, thank you for staying by my side. You are the strongest person that I know...you make me proud to be your friend.
My high school friends (The seven):
Orry: I miss you. I promise to find more time for you next year. Being that I have known you, probably the longest of all of my friends (since we were in Kindergarten) there is nothing I would not do for you and I love you from the bottom of my heart.
Jon: Your smile and randomness is missed. Come home from Santa Barbara more often, as I will promise to visit more often.
Omar: Your prescence in my life is missed. It was so wonderful having you so close at UCLA---come home soon. Don't stay too long in Tazmania. We love you....especially me. I missed evading you...!
Jose: Some of our best conversations have been when you are drunk---but, I know our friendship runs thousands of miles deeper than that. Know that I will always love you and think you are one of the most beautiful people that I know. You deserve such joy.
Nikki: My darling, who is so far away. I miss you and only want the best for you. You know that----I cannot wait for you to come back to LA for good. Nothing is the same without you. Blarlerlar.
Tim: Rest in peace my love. Your spirit has kept me strong and lead me down a very scary path, but I know it is the right one. I trust in you as I trust in me. You are in my thoughts and prayers and my tears every single day that I breath, and I will never forget you. I know I was your hero....your hope for the world. I promise not to let you down.
My other friends:
Mike: We have been through a lot of shit haven't we? I am glad we have saved our friendship. It means more to me than you will ever know. Friends for life and don't you forget it.
Roy: I hardly know you, but I find myself trusting you and feeling how pure your soul is. A simple thank you will do, I believe.
Nathaniel: Always there for me....even when you didn't want to be. You are loved.
Katie and Rachel: Two of my favorite girls in the whole world. How can I ever repay either of you for making me feel wanted? For loving me and being there for me in every moment I have needed someone. I love you both and will never forget our good times.
Becca: How far back do we go? Too far....stupid, dumbshit, goddamn motherfucker! You are like my child.....I will never stop loving you or enjoying our conversations that last for hours and hours. Time will never change us.
Claire: I just love you. So much love.
Teresa: Our friendship is so special and so beautiful. I love you more than you will ever know. I am so proud of who you are. You have gone through a lot...and look how amazing you are. I will never stop being there for you....as you have never stopped being there for me.
Maria: You are so far away, but my heart thinks of you all the time. Such love...
I cannot mention everyone......not all of my friends, anyway, but know that I have such respect for each and every one of you...and love you from the bottom of my heart. I would drive a million miles just to see your faces. Nothing will change that....thank you for everything you have done and will do.
And, last but not least....my Morgan: My child, my sister, my baby, my world. No one in the whole world knows me like you do. And, we are still closer than close can be. My love for you is unconditional and nothing in this world, no flood, rainstrom and natural or man-made disaster could keep me from you. I would die for you. You make me so proud.
2005.....this is my promise to you. I will remember you, even though it hurts and tears flood my eyes. I will make you proud, for 2006 will be even better. Thank you for the memories, the friends, the love, the life.
Yours Truly,
Kacie Layne Gray