I have been there but not with a family member. The experience was so scarring that I am still not able to read books or watch movies with lots of drug use in them (and this is 15 years later).
*hug*
My personal opinion would be to keep Owen away from him until he sobers up, but that is just my feeling.
Would perhaps a more structured system of goals help here? Something along the lines of "if you go to AA meetings and are clean for X days, then you can see Owen", "if you have been clean for X more days, then you are welcome in our home", etc. Some kind of very clear structure may keep you from having to constantly decide how to handle things, as then you just need to follow the rules that you have already set up. Also, then your brother knows what the rules are and knows exactly what the consequences will be if he doesn't follow them. Don't they have AA in jail?
Bargaining may or may not make any sense. According to Al-anon there's this recommendation to not focus on the addict's choice to partake or not partake... too much focus on that and the person learns that it's all about their addiction (or perhaps concealing it) and not about them as a human being. I say if you love 'em and want to see 'em, or can stand to see 'em, then see 'em. Just don't offer or give them any control in your life that they haven't demonstrated excellent responsibility for. No matter how bad people fuck up, we mustn't stop telling them we care. Your mileage may vary... these thoughts are worth exactly what you paid to hear them - nil.
That makes sense. However, it still means that you have to deal with the "can I deal with seeing this person" stress every single time you want to interact. Now, granted, I'm big on lists and structure, so for me having a pre-set structure (not bargaining, but just "this is how it is") would be helpful. Of course, this isn't an issue for me, as my current emotional situation results in absolutely no tolerance for this kind of stress. To survive, I'd have to have a "I love you but can't see you until you fix this problem" stance. I know that it is important to not define people as "addicts" and to always treat them with loving kindness. However, I personally feel that it is so easy to get sucked into the mess and drama of someone else's life that you have to have your limits set up clearly and in advance for everyone's sake. Thanks for the alternate perspective!
Enjoying this discussion, bychoiceI agree that clear rules for yourself are essential, and if you have squishy boundaries and are not good at sticking to healthy choices, perhaps some level of avoidance makes sense. There are many times I've had a talk with myself and say "I'm not up for relative X today, I will choose to stay away
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I think that a big part of this issue is the difference between family and others. I have been incredibly fortunate that I have no family members who I am not always happy to hear from and who almost never ask me for anything (let alone anything I can't give). My problem was always with boyfriends or friends. Again, I've been incredibly fortunate in that I have finally learned my lesson on the boyfriend front and now have a wonderful husband. As for friends, I used to have trouble, but now I'm so unable to cope (due to some neurological damage) that I am really good at saying no.
I've enjoyed our conversation too. One of my big shortcomings is that I hate conflict so much that I try to escape as soon as there is the slightest sign of it. This is lame and is something that I have to work on. Clearly, this explains at least part of my desire to have clear rules.
*hug*
My personal opinion would be to keep Owen away from him until he sobers up, but that is just my feeling.
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I've enjoyed our conversation too. One of my big shortcomings is that I hate conflict so much that I try to escape as soon as there is the slightest sign of it. This is lame and is something that I have to work on. Clearly, this explains at least part of my desire to have clear rules.
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