Haha! I love the Chrony!
University of Utah President Michael Young was having a blue(Adjective) day. He had just received an e-mail saying that football coach Kyle Whittingham had something urgent to tell him. On his way over to the football offices, Young tripped on a stack of newpspapers that the pikes stole(Noun) and broke his pinky toe (Part of the anatomy).
"Ouch!" said the president. "If only I had spent money on the campus instead of using $ 1 hundred million dollar(Number)-worth of ASUU funds to go to Zimbabway(Exotic country)!"
Luckily for Young, Ali Hasnain happened to be driving by in his _Hummer_(vehicle) on the campus sidewalk, taking full advantage of his AAA(Letter of the alphabet)parking pass.
Get in, Mr. President," Hasnain said. "I haven't been so excited since I fantasized about taking Britney Spears(Celebrity) to my high-school prom!"
Hasnain was so amped to be driving the president that he didn't pay attention to where he was going and rammed right into _SBEH________(U Building).
"You stupid kid!" Young said. "Now I've wrinkled my favorite _Tie(Piece of clothing). That was given to me by _George Bush Sr (Republican Politician) at a banquet I went to in Paris(Foreign city)!"
Hasnain was so embarrassed that he pulled out a _hot dog(Noun) and tried to beat himself to death with it. But before he could finish the job, he noticed U quarterback Brian Johnson choking on a peanut(Kind of food). Ali leapt to action and performed the Heimlich Maneuver. Johnson's life was saved, but in all the commotion, President Young stepped on Brian's recovering knee(Part of the body) and snapped it clean off.
"Hah! Take that," Young said. "I'm a closet Brett Ratliff fan! He's much more _happy(Adjective) than you, and his cute face reminds me of Will Smith(Celebrity)." Surprisingly, Johnson didn't mind. "It's OK," the quarterback said happily_(Adverb). "I'm just so glad I don't have to eat that nasty Chartwells food I was choking on. It tasted like rotting(Adjective) _shit(Noun)."
Young then realized he was late for his meeting with Whittingham. He pulled out his trusty _bunny_(Animal) signal and shined it into the sky.
_436958_(Number) seconds later, Chronicle Editor in Chief Steve Gehrke arrived in his money-laundering-funded bicycle(Vehicle), running over a squirril (animal) in the process.
"Don't worry about the roadkill, Mike," Steve said. "We'll just blame it on the Muss(Campus club or group) in the paper, and it will go away."
Gehrke and Young _gladly(Adverb) went to the football offices, where Whittingham was waiting outside with a concerned(Adjective) look on his face.
"President Young," Whittingham said. "I'm very concerned(Adjective) to see you. You promised me $1 billion dollars(Number) to give the football players new railroad tracks (Plural noun) and I haven't seen one dime!"
Young got down on his _butt_(Part of the body) and pleaded with his boss.
"I'm sorry coach. You see, the legislators are such helemt heads(Plural noun). They wanted me to give money to the Psychology(Subject in school) department."
Whittingham was __delighted_(Emotion). As punishment, he forced Young to scrub the Fiesta Bowl trophy with a _feather_(Noun) until it shone like a _pencil_(Noun).
The next day in The Chronicle, there was no mention of the previous day's incidents, only news that ASUU was _shining_(Adjective) for hiring a 5 (Number)-year-old student to head up a minor campus organization.