To Fangirls, Without Love
What a great fic!! LOL! XD
BEFORE YOU READ THIS - here are some much needed disclaimers (so you don’t throw splotchy tomatoes at me):
1. I’m not dissing all high school fics. I don’t quite understand why high school is more appealing to write than ninjaverse, BUT I have read some decent schoolfics in my time so I’m not going to diss the whole genre. I just picked high school as it’s a typical AU that most fail writers in the Naruto fandom butcher as badly as the English dub.
2. I’m also not really trying to mock anyone’s plot. This… isn’t really much of a plot anyway. Every idea in this fandom has been used and reused dozens of times; I’m fine with that. I’m just mocking the way that people articulate these ideas. If you write well, it’ll usually compensate for a cliché idea in this fandom. But some people don’t do that.
3. All of this is just for fun. I love sarcasm and parody and satire, and I’m just poking fun at something we’re all familiar with. I’m not trying to specifically attack anyone (all this stuff came from my own twisted head XD) so there are no exact lines from real fics or references to real authors anywhere in here. Hell, I’ve done some of this stuff myself (including scrolling to the bottoms of fics for the lemons -shifty eyes-).
Anyway, onward! (Stuff in parentheses in this fic... well, some of it, is supposed to be in strikethrough. But this site fails like that, so I can't do it. You should be able to guess when it should be, though.)
Sasuke, the class president, waltzed down the hallways of the uncreatively-named Konoha High, searching for his little blonde Naru-chan. As he did so, Shikamaru and Neji debated wide-eyed as to just why Sasuke was the class president. After all, as a ninja, Sasuke had virtually no outgoing tendencies and was about as much a people person as Charles Manson, but, whateverrr. Class presidents are hot, yo. Forget Nara and Hyuuga; they know not of what they speak. Sasuke was an outgoing high school kid, on a quest, no less, a quest!
Sasuke finally finished traipsing down the hall once yours truly regained her satirical composure and he spotted the object of all his fantasies. Naruto. No wait. Naru-chan. Because Sasuke was so totally affectionate enough to refer to his precious (rival) little mancrush like that, and just because the rabid and semi-sane SasuNaru fangirls throw rotten cabbage at any sort of affectionate!Sasuke when he is in the general vicinity of Sakura does not mean that he cannot be equally affectionate for Naruto. Dur.
-cue obligatory bad grammar thought stream- Mmm naru-chan. 2day is teh day tat u will b myne. kami-sama i want u so much. 333333!!!1111lollerskates
Sasuke, who had miraculously not fallen dead like Elvis at the sadly non-spell-checked thoughts that the lolhyperfangirl had stuck in his (feminine-looking) entirely manly little head, leered at his Naru-chan as he carried his books into class. Oh yeah, baby. Calculus book, history notebook, English binder, Naruto carried those things like sex on legs. Sasuke imagined what it would feel like to be Naruto’s calculator and have Naruto pressing his “buttons” and “fingering” him all day long. Sexxxxay. And other, y’know, obligatory, entirely hilarious and horribly depressing bad sex metaphors. Rawr.
At this point, the made-fun-of author decides that, hey! She’s read a ton of novels by professional writers, Nathaniel Hawthorne to Stephen King, and even though real writers like them never do this, since her fangirl friends do, it must be a cool, hip literary technique! And thus is born the distinguishing characteristic of Naruto fanfiction: haircolors.
The brunette spotted the blonde. Author giggles with pride at this totally gorgeous line of writing, not realizing that “brunettes” and “blondes” are girls and that she should technically be using “brunet” and “blond.” The blonde didn’t notice the brunette leering at him all through class. The blonde focused on the white-haired man in front of him, giving the lecture, while occasionally passing notes to the brown-haired boy behind him and - what!? Another brunette!? Author decides this simply will not do, and poor Sasuke is turned into a bird. His raven-colored locks (and fandom will ignore how preteen that description sounds) make him infamously and forever now known as “the raven.” The raven flapped his wings and tilted his head… no wait. The raven sat through the class, diligently taking notes and also thinking of ways to get into his Naru-chan’s pants. Mansex, baby, which is the reason the rest of the fic is usually ignored anyway - fandom is scrolling down to the bottom to get to that lovely thing known as “the lemon.”
After school, the raven found the blonde walking alone down a vacant hallway and shoved him up against the wall.
“Sasuke-teme?” Naruto choked out; big, blue, watery eyes glistening with tears of crystal.
“Dobe.”
“Nani are you doing here?”
“Looking for you, Naru-chan.”
Yes, that part of the fic has arrived! You guessed it - fangirl Japanese! Despite the fact that “teme” really translates as “YOU!” and has absolutely laughable results when woven into English so as to mean “bastard”, despite the fact that the entire fanfic is being written in English otherwise, despite the fact that the fangirl writing it has German, British, and just a tad bit Dutch ancestry with absolutely no ties to Asia other than that her fifth great uncle twice removed was a proponent of the Chinese Exclusion Act, errant Japanese words and phrases will abound! Like, kawaaaaaaaaaaaaii!
Oh, yeah, the plot. Speaking of kawaii, the blonde and the raven have now somehow ended up in the locker room. Or bathroom. Vacant closet. Take your pic. Kawaii little Naru-chan was so naïve and clueless (even though in canon his character can be trés perverted - yes, that’s right, yours truly can stick French in here if she fancies, take that!) that he simply had to ask his Sasu-kun what was going on.
“Sasuke! Nani! Nani… is going on?”
“Naru-chan, I want you. I want you so bad. I’ve wanted you ever since our hands met as we reached for the same cup of tater tots in the cafeteria. You’re my first, my last, my everything. I need you.”
“You… need me?”
“Yes. I love you.”
“Well… I guess… I totally love you too! KAWAII!”
“Great, let’s fuck!”
Hummina hummina, it’s that time, but OH CRAP! The author has hit a writing wall. For she is only twelve years old, knows only a handful of the proper terms and even less of the slang terms for various parts of the male reproductive system, has never seen a condom in real life, and has never even had an orgasm! Egads! What to do!
…
Duh, write the lemon anyway!
The raven and the blonde kissed passionately. They so totally made out. Hard. Which is what they were. Because apparently guys get hard when they kiss. Or something like that. The fangirl author figures fandom will get what she means. Naru-chan gasped and writhed, moaning with each of the raven’s caresses. The raven licked the blonde’s neck and bit it softly, and the blonde finally had no choice but to utter those unforgettable words:
“Sasuke-sama! I want you inside me!”
Never mind the fact that Naruto is loud, crude, vulgar, brash, bold, and totally full of himself in canon. Never mind the fact that Uzumaki Naruto is not the kind of guy who will bend over and take it up the ass just like that. Never mind the fact that Sasuke looks girlier than Naruto, that Sasuke has horrid emotional problems and as much of a sex life as the fangirl author herself and couldn’t kiss his way out of a paper bag, no! Sasuke-sama will turn poor wittle Naru-chan around and fuck him into next week! Rawr!
The raven stroked the blonde and the blonde keened. Normally, the raven would have jumped back in shock, for “to keen” is to make a noise of extreme lament, but not in this fic, baby! The blonde’s lament was only fuel for the raven’s unquenchable fire! The blonde could almost feel the testosterone wafting off of the raven and in a little canon part of his mind that hadn’t been killed thanked beloved kami-sama that at least one of them still had male hormones. And so the raven, ever confident in his abilities to fuck well and totally knowledgeable about all things sex stuck a finger into the blonde, two more, scissoring motion, blah blah, then his cock. The blonde cried out in pleasure. Because in these fics, there is no pain. One can have one’s anus torn and shredded as one’s raven lover thrusts his (beak) cock in brutally to the hilt and feel no pain, only amazingly wonderful pleasure. And then with great force the blonde came, clenched his walls, etc. etc., then came the raven. Tweet, tweet.
The blonde and the raven were happily gazing into each other’s eyes in the post-orgasm chill when all of a sudden - DUN DUN DUN - the door was opened and who should appear but that bitchskankwhoreslutslag Sakura!
“Sakura, you bitch!” Sasuke instantly screamed at the pink-haired girl, because as all real SasuNaru fangirls know, Sasuke hates Sakura inside. Really. He does. He may have tried to kill for her in the Forest Of Death and may have called her a precious comrade as Naruto pwnt Gaara’s ass, but oh, oh no, he hates her. Because, y’know, she’s a whore.
Sakura then cried hysterically and ran away, while the fangirls cheered and threw some more rotten cabbage at her retreating form. The blonde, of course, despite his ever-present canon devotion and friendship to his pink-haired teammate, ignored all this and simply gazed at Sasuke with hearts in his big, wide, blue pools of… you get it by now.
The raven only smirked and held his Naru-chan close.
“Eyesheetayroo,” he murmured into his lover’s flaxen locks of purest honey.
“Eyesheetayroo.”
-cough-
Right.
Before I wrote this, I made a list of eight things to cover while doing this. Because I figured that eight would keep it relatively short. Here’s said list:
1. Bad grammar.
2. Crappy lemons.
3. Superuke!Naruto and superseme!Sasuke.
4. Hardcore OOC.
5. Fangirl Japanese (I’ve used it, no lie).
6. Horrid high school fics.
7. The blonde/brunette/raven thing.
8. Sakura is a hoebag.
So that’s that. And as a special little treat for everyone (and as a peace offering so that no one hates me after this, ha), within the next few days I’m going to finish and post a long-worked-upon cracksmut sequel of mine, with lots and lots and lots of smut. Which I hope doesn’t suck, hehe. -shifty eyes-
Anyway. That’s… about it. XD
(Oh, and since I figure some people are wondering by now - no, I am not on crack, thank you.)
To Fangirls, Without Love (c) nonpareil
BEFORE YOU READ THIS - here are some much needed disclaimers (so you don’t throw splotchy tomatoes at me):
1. I’m not dissing all high school fics. I don’t quite understand why high school is more appealing to write than ninjaverse, BUT I have read some decent schoolfics in my time so I’m not going to diss the whole genre. I just picked high school as it’s a typical AU that most fail writers in the Naruto fandom butcher as badly as the English dub.
2. I’m also not really trying to mock anyone’s plot. This… isn’t really much of a plot anyway. Every idea in this fandom has been used and reused dozens of times; I’m fine with that. I’m just mocking the way that people articulate these ideas. If you write well, it’ll usually compensate for a cliché idea in this fandom. But some people don’t do that.
3. All of this is just for fun. I love sarcasm and parody and satire, and I’m just poking fun at something we’re all familiar with. I’m not trying to specifically attack anyone (all this stuff came from my own twisted head XD) so there are no exact lines from real fics or references to real authors anywhere in here. Hell, I’ve done some of this stuff myself (including scrolling to the bottoms of fics for the lemons -shifty eyes-).
Anyway, onward! (Stuff in parentheses in this fic... well, some of it, is supposed to be in strikethrough. But this site fails like that, so I can't do it. You should be able to guess when it should be, though.)
Sasuke, the class president, waltzed down the hallways of the uncreatively-named Konoha High, searching for his little blonde Naru-chan. As he did so, Shikamaru and Neji debated wide-eyed as to just why Sasuke was the class president. After all, as a ninja, Sasuke had virtually no outgoing tendencies and was about as much a people person as Charles Manson, but, whateverrr. Class presidents are hot, yo. Forget Nara and Hyuuga; they know not of what they speak. Sasuke was an outgoing high school kid, on a quest, no less, a quest!
Sasuke finally finished traipsing down the hall once yours truly regained her satirical composure and he spotted the object of all his fantasies. Naruto. No wait. Naru-chan. Because Sasuke was so totally affectionate enough to refer to his precious (rival) little mancrush like that, and just because the rabid and semi-sane SasuNaru fangirls throw rotten cabbage at any sort of affectionate!Sasuke when he is in the general vicinity of Sakura does not mean that he cannot be equally affectionate for Naruto. Dur.
-cue obligatory bad grammar thought stream- Mmm naru-chan. 2day is teh day tat u will b myne. kami-sama i want u so much. 333333!!!1111lollerskates
Sasuke, who had miraculously not fallen dead like Elvis at the sadly non-spell-checked thoughts that the lolhyperfangirl had stuck in his (feminine-looking) entirely manly little head, leered at his Naru-chan as he carried his books into class. Oh yeah, baby. Calculus book, history notebook, English binder, Naruto carried those things like sex on legs. Sasuke imagined what it would feel like to be Naruto’s calculator and have Naruto pressing his “buttons” and “fingering” him all day long. Sexxxxay. And other, y’know, obligatory, entirely hilarious and horribly depressing bad sex metaphors. Rawr.
At this point, the made-fun-of author decides that, hey! She’s read a ton of novels by professional writers, Nathaniel Hawthorne to Stephen King, and even though real writers like them never do this, since her fangirl friends do, it must be a cool, hip literary technique! And thus is born the distinguishing characteristic of Naruto fanfiction: haircolors.
The brunette spotted the blonde. Author giggles with pride at this totally gorgeous line of writing, not realizing that “brunettes” and “blondes” are girls and that she should technically be using “brunet” and “blond.” The blonde didn’t notice the brunette leering at him all through class. The blonde focused on the white-haired man in front of him, giving the lecture, while occasionally passing notes to the brown-haired boy behind him and - what!? Another brunette!? Author decides this simply will not do, and poor Sasuke is turned into a bird. His raven-colored locks (and fandom will ignore how preteen that description sounds) make him infamously and forever now known as “the raven.” The raven flapped his wings and tilted his head… no wait. The raven sat through the class, diligently taking notes and also thinking of ways to get into his Naru-chan’s pants. Mansex, baby, which is the reason the rest of the fic is usually ignored anyway - fandom is scrolling down to the bottom to get to that lovely thing known as “the lemon.”
After school, the raven found the blonde walking alone down a vacant hallway and shoved him up against the wall.
“Sasuke-teme?” Naruto choked out; big, blue, watery eyes glistening with tears of crystal.
“Dobe.”
“Nani are you doing here?”
“Looking for you, Naru-chan.”
Yes, that part of the fic has arrived! You guessed it - fangirl Japanese! Despite the fact that “teme” really translates as “YOU!” and has absolutely laughable results when woven into English so as to mean “bastard”, despite the fact that the entire fanfic is being written in English otherwise, despite the fact that the fangirl writing it has German, British, and just a tad bit Dutch ancestry with absolutely no ties to Asia other than that her fifth great uncle twice removed was a proponent of the Chinese Exclusion Act, errant Japanese words and phrases will abound! Like, kawaaaaaaaaaaaaii!
Oh, yeah, the plot. Speaking of kawaii, the blonde and the raven have now somehow ended up in the locker room. Or bathroom. Vacant closet. Take your pic. Kawaii little Naru-chan was so naïve and clueless (even though in canon his character can be trés perverted - yes, that’s right, yours truly can stick French in here if she fancies, take that!) that he simply had to ask his Sasu-kun what was going on.
“Sasuke! Nani! Nani… is going on?”
“Naru-chan, I want you. I want you so bad. I’ve wanted you ever since our hands met as we reached for the same cup of tater tots in the cafeteria. You’re my first, my last, my everything. I need you.”
“You… need me?”
“Yes. I love you.”
“Well… I guess… I totally love you too! KAWAII!”
“Great, let’s fuck!”
Hummina hummina, it’s that time, but OH CRAP! The author has hit a writing wall. For she is only twelve years old, knows only a handful of the proper terms and even less of the slang terms for various parts of the male reproductive system, has never seen a condom in real life, and has never even had an orgasm! Egads! What to do!
…
Duh, write the lemon anyway!
The raven and the blonde kissed passionately. They so totally made out. Hard. Which is what they were. Because apparently guys get hard when they kiss. Or something like that. The fangirl author figures fandom will get what she means. Naru-chan gasped and writhed, moaning with each of the raven’s caresses. The raven licked the blonde’s neck and bit it softly, and the blonde finally had no choice but to utter those unforgettable words:
“Sasuke-sama! I want you inside me!”
Never mind the fact that Naruto is loud, crude, vulgar, brash, bold, and totally full of himself in canon. Never mind the fact that Uzumaki Naruto is not the kind of guy who will bend over and take it up the ass just like that. Never mind the fact that Sasuke looks girlier than Naruto, that Sasuke has horrid emotional problems and as much of a sex life as the fangirl author herself and couldn’t kiss his way out of a paper bag, no! Sasuke-sama will turn poor wittle Naru-chan around and fuck him into next week! Rawr!
The raven stroked the blonde and the blonde keened. Normally, the raven would have jumped back in shock, for “to keen” is to make a noise of extreme lament, but not in this fic, baby! The blonde’s lament was only fuel for the raven’s unquenchable fire! The blonde could almost feel the testosterone wafting off of the raven and in a little canon part of his mind that hadn’t been killed thanked beloved kami-sama that at least one of them still had male hormones. And so the raven, ever confident in his abilities to fuck well and totally knowledgeable about all things sex stuck a finger into the blonde, two more, scissoring motion, blah blah, then his cock. The blonde cried out in pleasure. Because in these fics, there is no pain. One can have one’s anus torn and shredded as one’s raven lover thrusts his (beak) cock in brutally to the hilt and feel no pain, only amazingly wonderful pleasure. And then with great force the blonde came, clenched his walls, etc. etc., then came the raven. Tweet, tweet.
The blonde and the raven were happily gazing into each other’s eyes in the post-orgasm chill when all of a sudden - DUN DUN DUN - the door was opened and who should appear but that bitchskankwhoreslutslag Sakura!
“Sakura, you bitch!” Sasuke instantly screamed at the pink-haired girl, because as all real SasuNaru fangirls know, Sasuke hates Sakura inside. Really. He does. He may have tried to kill for her in the Forest Of Death and may have called her a precious comrade as Naruto pwnt Gaara’s ass, but oh, oh no, he hates her. Because, y’know, she’s a whore.
Sakura then cried hysterically and ran away, while the fangirls cheered and threw some more rotten cabbage at her retreating form. The blonde, of course, despite his ever-present canon devotion and friendship to his pink-haired teammate, ignored all this and simply gazed at Sasuke with hearts in his big, wide, blue pools of… you get it by now.
The raven only smirked and held his Naru-chan close.
“Eyesheetayroo,” he murmured into his lover’s flaxen locks of purest honey.
“Eyesheetayroo.”
-cough-
Right.
Before I wrote this, I made a list of eight things to cover while doing this. Because I figured that eight would keep it relatively short. Here’s said list:
1. Bad grammar.
2. Crappy lemons.
3. Superuke!Naruto and superseme!Sasuke.
4. Hardcore OOC.
5. Fangirl Japanese (I’ve used it, no lie).
6. Horrid high school fics.
7. The blonde/brunette/raven thing.
8. Sakura is a hoebag.
So that’s that. And as a special little treat for everyone (and as a peace offering so that no one hates me after this, ha), within the next few days I’m going to finish and post a long-worked-upon cracksmut sequel of mine, with lots and lots and lots of smut. Which I hope doesn’t suck, hehe. -shifty eyes-
Anyway. That’s… about it. XD
(Oh, and since I figure some people are wondering by now - no, I am not on crack, thank you.)
To Fangirls, Without Love (c) nonpareil