I confess, I dont know what to make from all this mess.
News updates:
*Well Lando is teething, this is the most horrible part of everything. One day he's great, the next he's screeching in my face all the time.
*I got engaged. That's right, i'm getting married. Im super nervous and excited at the same time.
*Adam might have diabetes. Scary eh?
*We got a new laptop.
*My birthday is Sunday. I'll be 20. I hate it.
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As for me, im in this phase where I feel useless. I feel cutoff from the world. I'm the mommy, I do the mommy things. I take care of everything thats put infront of me. And somehow have to do it all in my sleep as well. Sometimes when i'm alone, i just lay in the bath tub crying for what feels like forever. Till my cheeks are terribly hot and feel burned. There is some kind of a timebomb inside of me ready to explode all over the place. I feel myself turning my back on the things I love so much. I feel some sort of resentment for everything that happens. And I look around, and suddenly i'm familliar with this scene. Ive been here before, and I remember what happens at the end of this story. I jerk around in bed having nightmares of losing everything. And i can't help but to think that Adam is really just getting himself together so he can have all this stuff when he leaves. I dont need all this stuff. It will be his downfall. But i cant say that im going to be there when it comes crashing down. Because Im not sure if i will be. I dont know whats happening inside of me, a pain, a cold dark spot inside of my body pushes everyone out. I want to run away. No notes, no words, nothing, just go. And I look at Lando and I think that i'll never be the mother he really deserves. That i wasnt meant to be a mommy and that it isnt all supposed to fall apart in my small head. I need some sort of a shelter to hide me from the rest of the world. I wasnt prepared for any of this, and adam likes to rub it in my face that he "told me so" and sometimes i wonder what else he thinks about me.
Today I told him he didn't spend enough time with lando. And part is a lie but another part is an honest truth. Even on his days off, its just me who taks care of lando. Adam buys him the food and stuff that he needs, but thats not really time with lando. And I know that if he spent some time with him while he's teething then he would realize what I go through. He wasnt around when shyla was teething. And when adam wakes up, hops into the shower and gets out all happy as can be, i cringe in my head. I want to scream at him, and punch him. But sometimes I just catch attitude with him and he gets pissed off, but I wish he could do it just one day. Wakeup at 7am with a screaming baby that nothing can stop his schreiks of pain. And he tells me "i hate being woken up to a crying baby" and all i think is "me too adam"
How come I can't be better at this mother/girlfriend job?? I wonder this as i type this all out. I feel overloaded and complicated.
And i think sometimes in the back of my head that maybe I should have just left him in Galveston and never looked back, that maybe he would have been happier that way. Is it too late? Yes its far too late. Would he ever do it? I bet he would. We fight constantly and I dont want Lando to see that. What have i pushed everyone into? What have i gotten myself into? I wish i could tell him that he wouldnt have to ever see me again and that im sorry for all the problems ive caused in our relationship.
"cant you see i tried to compromise, cuz what you say aint always true and i can see the tears in your eyes. And what you said now cant stop the words from running thrue my head . And what id do to get thrue to you, but you'd only do it again."
I have a writers block thats driving me crazy.
"Youre feeling down now, i dont know where ill be when you come around. And now its time to make a choice, and all I want to hear is your voice."
Im done, take it or leave it.