(no subject)
So. Huge changes today. Officially asked to move out of the apartment, finalized moving in with Stenny and Christina in the meantime.
I hate being homeless. It really is the worst feeling on earth. It makes me feel like no matter what I have; relationships, job, mental health, it's all just going to go away. I can't seem to get anything to stay or anyone to stay with me. I can not shake the loneliness. I don't know that I'll ever be able to again. And I'm worried that it's actually going to push people away. You can only take someone saying their lonely in the crowd so much before you want to leave them alone so they can actually see how it feels. Somehow, I need to learn to be independent again, I lost it along the way.
Making these decision alone is one of the hardest things I've ever done. It doesn't liberate me the way it probably ought to, it just makes me feel like there's no one there to care. I know people do care, but it doesn't feel that way. Also, letting people be selfish when they need to be is THE HARDEST thing on earth right now. I'm so sorry that I can't deal with it well. I'm beginning to get paranoid that it has nothing to do with the person needing things, and that it's all about the person wanted to get away from me.The anxiety has kinda given way to the paranoia, and that's not something I really expected.
I just want the lonely to go away. I don't know how to do this.
MORNING UPDATE: Please realize that if I post late at night, I'm usually just venting so I can get the irrational thought out of my head to be able to go to sleep. The end of the day is, for some reason, when all the bad thought come and usually sleep can't come until I calm down. I'm usually better in the morning.
I hate being homeless. It really is the worst feeling on earth. It makes me feel like no matter what I have; relationships, job, mental health, it's all just going to go away. I can't seem to get anything to stay or anyone to stay with me. I can not shake the loneliness. I don't know that I'll ever be able to again. And I'm worried that it's actually going to push people away. You can only take someone saying their lonely in the crowd so much before you want to leave them alone so they can actually see how it feels. Somehow, I need to learn to be independent again, I lost it along the way.
Making these decision alone is one of the hardest things I've ever done. It doesn't liberate me the way it probably ought to, it just makes me feel like there's no one there to care. I know people do care, but it doesn't feel that way. Also, letting people be selfish when they need to be is THE HARDEST thing on earth right now. I'm so sorry that I can't deal with it well. I'm beginning to get paranoid that it has nothing to do with the person needing things, and that it's all about the person wanted to get away from me.The anxiety has kinda given way to the paranoia, and that's not something I really expected.
I just want the lonely to go away. I don't know how to do this.
MORNING UPDATE: Please realize that if I post late at night, I'm usually just venting so I can get the irrational thought out of my head to be able to go to sleep. The end of the day is, for some reason, when all the bad thought come and usually sleep can't come until I calm down. I'm usually better in the morning.