I feel fucking sick............
Man, so it's the first of July already. Time flies by up here... not really... more like time moves backwards. I hate it. BUT SOON my friends! Today is technically pay day... the 1st and the 15th of every month. I've been looking into plane tickets online and I could get one for the 17th from Denver to Houston for 160$ but I dont have a credit card (you have to have one to get a plane ticket) and no ride to Denver... So I'm kinda screwed for a bit. Living here in that tiny ass apartment with my sister, her boyfriend, his 5 yr old son, and 27 yr old brother IS FUCKING TORTURE... READ MY DIGITAL LIPS, IT'S HELL! Im tired of being alone all the time, tired of being fucking freezing 24/7, tired of dealing with my moody ass sister, IM JUST FUCKING TIRED but I can't sleep a goddamn wink. I can't leave on the 17th cuz I smoked today and I have a LabCorp drug test as soon as I get back... this was a nice vacation I suppose, but as soon as Im back home it's straight back into the firepit. I just found out my mom has cancer so if youre a god fearing Christian, please keep her in your prayers. She is a good woman, devoted wife, and a enshrining mother who would put her children before anything in the world and all I can express is my respect. Did I just say that? I dont respect a fucking thing in this world except myself. Wait! My drunken ramblings astonish me. My whole life has been for what? I don't respect myself, how could I? ANYWAY BACK TO THE POINT! My mother is an amazing woman who didn't deserve the shit i put her through... why is it that only now, now that it's too late, do i come to this blatently obvious revelation. In a way I've always known there was something seriously wrong with my mental health, this is no excuse. My mom says the "disorder" she has is a genetic thing, meaning its hereditary. The disorder can be triggered by smoking, drinking, or STRESS. I feel fucking sick to my stomach. I've been killing my own mother since the day I came into existance with all the utterly STUPID SHIT that I put her through... and for what? I DONT FUCKING KNOW!!!! I dont know and it hurts so fucking much.
Please pray for her you guys. If you've ever met my mom you know how wonderful she is. She deserves to live a long healthy prosperous life. She deserves to spoil her grandchildren, SHE DESERVES TO FUCKING SEE THEM for Christ's sake. She deserves to be able to relax and not worry about how big of a fuck up her kid is. I dont know if all that made sense to you, but senselessness (is that a word??) is commonground in a chaotic world of violence and injustice for the rejects and fucktards that inhabit it.
I have to go now....
Update Complete....
Please pray for her you guys. If you've ever met my mom you know how wonderful she is. She deserves to live a long healthy prosperous life. She deserves to spoil her grandchildren, SHE DESERVES TO FUCKING SEE THEM for Christ's sake. She deserves to be able to relax and not worry about how big of a fuck up her kid is. I dont know if all that made sense to you, but senselessness (is that a word??) is commonground in a chaotic world of violence and injustice for the rejects and fucktards that inhabit it.
I have to go now....
Update Complete....