(no subject)
So I haven't posted on here in a very long time, but tonight I'm feeling really badly, and livejournal is the perfect place to send my emoness into cyberspace, especially because almost no one is ever on here, and I really don't care if people read this or not.
I'm not sure I've ever experienced true loneliness until now. Without Steven in my life and being 20 hours away from any of my really close friends I feel like no one can really be there for me. When your boyfriend is your best friend, the break up kind of leaves you screwed. With the *ahem* special circumstance of the break up, it makes it even harder, because I don't want to be away from him, but I have to. I have to. And I have to keep telling myself that I have no choice in the matter, because I have to start caring about myself more and caring about him less. Is that even possible?
I just want to call him and scream at him, "You ruined my life!" but I can't. Because we're 'friends' or whatever. I keep swinging back and forth between hating him and loving him....and I'm losing my mind. My whole life is turned around, I had to move out of our apartment, get a new one, sign a lease, pack my stuff, and buy a mattress. Oh, and thank the Lord that my dad is being so supportive or I would be stuck living with my mom and then my life would truly be ruined. I have nothing. I had to buy forks and knives and dishes and sheets because everything is his. He gets everything. In our fairytale he is the bad guy and I am the damsel and he gets everything. How does that work? How is that fair? He is SO sorry and he wants to try SO hard to fix things, but his life doesn't change at all. Same apartment same stuff same routine. Fuck. I'm so mad. And sad. I just wanna scream
I'm not sure I've ever experienced true loneliness until now. Without Steven in my life and being 20 hours away from any of my really close friends I feel like no one can really be there for me. When your boyfriend is your best friend, the break up kind of leaves you screwed. With the *ahem* special circumstance of the break up, it makes it even harder, because I don't want to be away from him, but I have to. I have to. And I have to keep telling myself that I have no choice in the matter, because I have to start caring about myself more and caring about him less. Is that even possible?
I just want to call him and scream at him, "You ruined my life!" but I can't. Because we're 'friends' or whatever. I keep swinging back and forth between hating him and loving him....and I'm losing my mind. My whole life is turned around, I had to move out of our apartment, get a new one, sign a lease, pack my stuff, and buy a mattress. Oh, and thank the Lord that my dad is being so supportive or I would be stuck living with my mom and then my life would truly be ruined. I have nothing. I had to buy forks and knives and dishes and sheets because everything is his. He gets everything. In our fairytale he is the bad guy and I am the damsel and he gets everything. How does that work? How is that fair? He is SO sorry and he wants to try SO hard to fix things, but his life doesn't change at all. Same apartment same stuff same routine. Fuck. I'm so mad. And sad. I just wanna scream